Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:36     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.


OP, a couple of thoughts.

First, if she and your brother don't know you still feel this way, then you are doing great. Sometimes we have to "just pretend" in our relationships. Are you nice to her? If so, keep that up and your thoughts will follow
I also wonder, how well do you really know her? How much time do you spend with her? If she is in your brother's life for good (we hope), then it behooves you to start strengthening a bond. Can you spend some time alone with her? Go on a shopping trip, out to lunch, weekend getaway? Just talk to her. Stop thinking of her as YOUR SIL and just view her as a person you are enjoying being around now.

If she has changed like you said she has, and their marriage is back on track, then she is doing something right and admirable. She has more than likely let go of some things in your brother's past, as well, and moved on from there. You could learn from her.



I appreciate your insight. They definitely don't know how I feel. Good advice to stop looking at her as a SIL. I could make an effort to spend time with her. My heart isn't in it. But perhaps that's a start.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:32     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Can't shake it
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:31     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Anonymous wrote:Do you want people looking in from the outside and judging you and your marriage? Probably not. You need to let it go.



I keep telling myself how bad would I feel if my Inlaws didn't like me. I don't want them to get a divorce.. Sort of just wishing they never got married in the first place. Trust me I'm sick over feeling this way. But for some reason I came shake it.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:29     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Anonymous wrote:So the whole point was to get SIL to a place you you (family) like her? Ugh.

OP, you really need to focus on your life rather than your brother's. You sound like a spinster busy-body sister. Not attractive at all.



I promise, I'm totally not the busy body you think I am. I also thought it was wrong to ask her to change. That was his doing not mine. I've never said anything to him about her needing to change. My parents did.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:27     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Anonymous wrote:Always try to keep in mind that your brother is staying in this relationshipti because he sees something valuable in it and in her. Go from there.


Op here. This is so true. I think we tend to hold our Inlaws to a higher standard than we do our blood relatives.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:15     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!

The key is that you don't need to like her, OP. You just need to be polite and include her when you can.

That's it. You cannot expect to love every sister-in-law/brother-in-law, or stepmother/father, or boyfriend/girlfriend of your family members, or EVEN your own daughter or son-in-law!

And with time, you might see the positive, genuine side of her and grow to love her. Much can happen to 50 years.

Take it slowly.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:14     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Anonymous wrote:A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.


OP, a couple of thoughts.

First, if she and your brother don't know you still feel this way, then you are doing great. Sometimes we have to "just pretend" in our relationships. Are you nice to her? If so, keep that up and your thoughts will follow.

I also wonder, how well do you really know her? How much time do you spend with her? If she is in your brother's life for good (we hope), then it behooves you to start strengthening a bond. Can you spend some time alone with her? Go on a shopping trip, out to lunch, weekend getaway? Just talk to her. Stop thinking of her as YOUR SIL and just view her as a person you are enjoying being around now.

If she has changed like you said she has, and their marriage is back on track, then she is doing something right and admirable. She has more than likely let go of some things in your brother's past, as well, and moved on from there. You could learn from her.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:08     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Anonymous wrote:Always try to keep in mind that your brother is staying in this relationship because he sees something valuable in it and in her. Go from there.


+1. Or that she's much better when the two of them are alone.

My inlaws think I'm quiet and boring, but I'm anything but when alone with DH or out with friends. People act differently around different people.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:03     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Do you want people looking in from the outside and judging you and your marriage? Probably not. You need to let it go.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:03     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
So the whole point was to get SIL to a place you you (family) like her? Ugh.

OP, you really need to focus on your life rather than your brother's. You sound like a spinster busy-body sister. Not attractive at all.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:56     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Always try to keep in mind that your brother is staying in this relationship because he sees something valuable in it and in her. Go from there.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:49     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
So, you encouraged your brother to stay married, but now you're unhappy that he did so? I think you need to think how upset you would be if you had done real work to become a better person and people kept holding your past against you. Especially when you're not the one married to her. If your brother is happy, that should be enough for you.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:31     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
So difficult to comment without knowing the nature of the issue. Was she abusive? A drug addict? A hooker?
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:20     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
Oh and I'm not the sort of person that thinks my brother is without issue. He has his flaws as well.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:17     Subject: I can't get past this and move on. Help!
A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.