Anonymous
07/01/2015 21:26
Subject: Re:s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
I had a great relationship with my mom, and I was worried when I found out I was having a boy because I thought I wouldn't be able to have the same closeness!
I was thinking about it, and here's what I think made it work so well:
My mom listened without judgment. Always. I always knew the accepted me for exactly who I was and never wanted to change me.
She never tried to fix problems for me, but was always a comforting presence and listening ear.
She didn't push a relationship on us. I called her all the time, but if I didn't call for a while she never made me feel guilty--she said she assumed things were going well with me!
I knew she thought I was capable of anything I wanted to do. She was my biggest cheerleader.
She trusted me. For example, when I asked to break curfew for a special event, she agreed (I didn't ask very much).
She was also pretty hands off in general.
It also helped that we happened to share interests. She was essentially my best friend, but I don't think that's necessary for a good parent-child relationship.
Oddly enough, we never had problems during my teens (instead I had problems with my dad). She was like a safe haven for me.
I was thinking about it, and here's what I think made it work so well:
My mom listened without judgment. Always. I always knew the accepted me for exactly who I was and never wanted to change me.
She never tried to fix problems for me, but was always a comforting presence and listening ear.
She didn't push a relationship on us. I called her all the time, but if I didn't call for a while she never made me feel guilty--she said she assumed things were going well with me!
I knew she thought I was capable of anything I wanted to do. She was my biggest cheerleader.
She trusted me. For example, when I asked to break curfew for a special event, she agreed (I didn't ask very much).
She was also pretty hands off in general.
It also helped that we happened to share interests. She was essentially my best friend, but I don't think that's necessary for a good parent-child relationship.
Oddly enough, we never had problems during my teens (instead I had problems with my dad). She was like a safe haven for me.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 14:57
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
My mom and I had a rough time during my teen years (I was awful!). We are extremely close now and have been since college.
She is the most incredibly supportive person. She believes in everything I do and supports my decisions- everything from raising our kids to being a SAHM (she worked long hours and I was in child care my whole life). She doesn't make me feel bad when I complain about life as a SAHM or minimize my complaints.
If I really need advice I have to ask her. Mostly she's just an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. She's the best!
She is the most incredibly supportive person. She believes in everything I do and supports my decisions- everything from raising our kids to being a SAHM (she worked long hours and I was in child care my whole life). She doesn't make me feel bad when I complain about life as a SAHM or minimize my complaints.
If I really need advice I have to ask her. Mostly she's just an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. She's the best!
Anonymous
07/01/2015 14:35
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I get along really well. My teenage years were rough, primarily because we are totally different personalities. I'm really introverted, and she is a total extrovert. So in some ways, she just didn't get me, and I felt like I was inadequate because I wasn't as social as she was. But overall, we had a good relationship, and here's why I think that was the case:
(1) She was genuinely affectionate.
(2) She truly admired my talents, even when they weren't the same as hers. She was proud of my good grades and encouraged my love of reading.
(3) We had fun together--when I was goofy and silly, she'd laugh right along.
(4) She was very firm, but fair. I knew what the rules were and I knew that she would enforce them. When I got in trouble, I always knew I had it coming. There was never arbitrary punishment. I also felt safe because of this.
(5) She was willing to admit when she made a mistake.
(6) She stuck up for me against other authority or family members when it was justified. If a teacher was treating me unfairly, and my efforts to resolve the situation weren't helping, she was a real mama bear. She didn't run interference for regular disagreements, etc., but when I was being treated badly or unfairly, she stood up for me.
(7) She never tried to live her life or relive her youth through me. She recognized that we are different people, and accepted my choices even when they weren't the ones she would have made. She fully accepted me and loved me as I was, while still having standards for my behavior.
I had The Best Mom Ever, literally, and most of the above applies to her. We disagreed on tons of things over the years, and I'm sure our relationship during my teenage years wasn't wildly different than most other mother-daughter dynamics. But by my 20s she was genuinely someone I enjoyed being around, and whom I deeply admired despite the fact that her life's path was very different than mine (she was a SAHM, never went to college; I have a PhD and work FT on issues that were totally foreign to her.) We had so much fun together, she encouraged me to take risks and be a better person, and she was genuinely caring about so many people. Her funeral was on my oldest child's 2nd birthday, and while it breaks my heart she never really got to know her grandchildren, I think of her every day and I always aspire to be as a good a person as she was.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 14:29
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I get along really well. My teenage years were rough, primarily because we are totally different personalities. I'm really introverted, and she is a total extrovert. So in some ways, she just didn't get me, and I felt like I was inadequate because I wasn't as social as she was. But overall, we had a good relationship, and here's why I think that was the case:
(1) She was genuinely affectionate.
(2) She truly admired my talents, even when they weren't the same as hers. She was proud of my good grades and encouraged my love of reading.
(3) We had fun together--when I was goofy and silly, she'd laugh right along.
(4) She was very firm, but fair. I knew what the rules were and I knew that she would enforce them. When I got in trouble, I always knew I had it coming. There was never arbitrary punishment. I also felt safe because of this.
(5) She was willing to admit when she made a mistake.
(6) She stuck up for me against other authority or family members when it was justified. If a teacher was treating me unfairly, and my efforts to resolve the situation weren't helping, she was a real mama bear. She didn't run interference for regular disagreements, etc., but when I was being treated badly or unfairly, she stood up for me.
(7) She never tried to live her life or relive her youth through me. She recognized that we are different people, and accepted my choices even when they weren't the ones she would have made. She fully accepted me and loved me as I was, while still having standards for my behavior.
This is pretty much exactly how my mom was, too. The biggest piece was that I really felt LOVED. Like, everything she did, even discipline, was because she loved and cared for me/us. And she was certainly not a pushover, she was firm but fair.
I didn't have any rough patches with her, not even in the teenage years. My older sister did (but I think that's because of rebelling against my dad leaking over to her relationship with my mom). I think it's totally normal if that happens, but it's not a given
I'm close to my mom still and we talk on the phone at least a few times a week and I Skype with her and the kids every Saturday. I am trying to be like her with my kids so they feel loved and protected the way I did (and still do!).
You can do it, OP!
Anonymous
07/01/2015 14:24
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
Anonymous wrote:She stopped "parenting" me once I went to college. She accepted that she raised me right and she didn't need to control how I lived my life in adulthood. Maybe she would have stepped in more if she'd seen me floundering though. My dad still tried to parent and would be strict about grades, how I spent money, etc while I was in college and it took a lot longer to be close friends with him. My mom and I are best friends. Very close. My friends and spouse say that we're fun to be around when we're together.
I think this is a big one. Once I left for college my mom took a huge step back. She was always there for me when I needed her and gave me advice when I asked for it, but other than that she didn't butt in and try to control my life. I'm now 26 and we are best friends and talk almost every day.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 14:02
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
She stopped "parenting" me once I went to college. She accepted that she raised me right and she didn't need to control how I lived my life in adulthood. Maybe she would have stepped in more if she'd seen me floundering though. My dad still tried to parent and would be strict about grades, how I spent money, etc while I was in college and it took a lot longer to be close friends with him. My mom and I are best friends. Very close. My friends and spouse say that we're fun to be around when we're together.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 13:47
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
My mom and I get along really well. My teenage years were rough, primarily because we are totally different personalities. I'm really introverted, and she is a total extrovert. So in some ways, she just didn't get me, and I felt like I was inadequate because I wasn't as social as she was. But overall, we had a good relationship, and here's why I think that was the case:
(1) She was genuinely affectionate.
(2) She truly admired my talents, even when they weren't the same as hers. She was proud of my good grades and encouraged my love of reading.
(3) We had fun together--when I was goofy and silly, she'd laugh right along.
(4) She was very firm, but fair. I knew what the rules were and I knew that she would enforce them. When I got in trouble, I always knew I had it coming. There was never arbitrary punishment. I also felt safe because of this.
(5) She was willing to admit when she made a mistake.
(6) She stuck up for me against other authority or family members when it was justified. If a teacher was treating me unfairly, and my efforts to resolve the situation weren't helping, she was a real mama bear. She didn't run interference for regular disagreements, etc., but when I was being treated badly or unfairly, she stood up for me.
(7) She never tried to live her life or relive her youth through me. She recognized that we are different people, and accepted my choices even when they weren't the ones she would have made. She fully accepted me and loved me as I was, while still having standards for my behavior.
(1) She was genuinely affectionate.
(2) She truly admired my talents, even when they weren't the same as hers. She was proud of my good grades and encouraged my love of reading.
(3) We had fun together--when I was goofy and silly, she'd laugh right along.
(4) She was very firm, but fair. I knew what the rules were and I knew that she would enforce them. When I got in trouble, I always knew I had it coming. There was never arbitrary punishment. I also felt safe because of this.
(5) She was willing to admit when she made a mistake.
(6) She stuck up for me against other authority or family members when it was justified. If a teacher was treating me unfairly, and my efforts to resolve the situation weren't helping, she was a real mama bear. She didn't run interference for regular disagreements, etc., but when I was being treated badly or unfairly, she stood up for me.
(7) She never tried to live her life or relive her youth through me. She recognized that we are different people, and accepted my choices even when they weren't the ones she would have made. She fully accepted me and loved me as I was, while still having standards for my behavior.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 13:46
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
Otherwise, I like your list.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 13:44
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to make a list of the things that your mother did correctly and the things you felt she did incorrectly. Make a plan for correcting the "incorrect" list.
I think the key to solid relationships is communication-- talk often and openly. Eat breakfast together. Pick her up from school yourself. Be present and available.
Laugh together every single day. Be goofy and fun where appropriate.
Be accepting of her choices even if they don't appeal to you.
Love her friends and talk with them often too.
Explain your thinking. Explain why you didn't like doing XYZ with your mother as a kid but how you've planned to make it more enjoyable for her.
Tell her you love her every single day. Even if you don't feel like it.
Set boundaries/ground rules and be consistent. Follow through. Don't raise your voice.
Seek counseling and be sure you understand yourself and the issues you had with your mother. This will help you understand why you feel the way you do and prevent you from unknowingly triggering old problems.
Disagree with this. I accept that I'm not going to enjoy all of the people my kids bring into their lives. That is OK. I try to know who they are and a little about them, but no, I am not going to love them just because they hang out with my DC.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 13:39
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
I would advise you to make a list of the things that your mother did correctly and the things you felt she did incorrectly. Make a plan for correcting the "incorrect" list.
I think the key to solid relationships is communication-- talk often and openly. Eat breakfast together. Pick her up from school yourself. Be present and available.
Laugh together every single day. Be goofy and fun where appropriate.
Be accepting of her choices even if they don't appeal to you.
Love her friends and talk with them often too.
Explain your thinking. Explain why you didn't like doing XYZ with your mother as a kid but how you've planned to make it more enjoyable for her.
Tell her you love her every single day. Even if you don't feel like it.
Set boundaries/ground rules and be consistent. Follow through. Don't raise your voice.
Seek counseling and be sure you understand yourself and the issues you had with your mother. This will help you understand why you feel the way you do and prevent you from unknowingly triggering old problems.
I think the key to solid relationships is communication-- talk often and openly. Eat breakfast together. Pick her up from school yourself. Be present and available.
Laugh together every single day. Be goofy and fun where appropriate.
Be accepting of her choices even if they don't appeal to you.
Love her friends and talk with them often too.
Explain your thinking. Explain why you didn't like doing XYZ with your mother as a kid but how you've planned to make it more enjoyable for her.
Tell her you love her every single day. Even if you don't feel like it.
Set boundaries/ground rules and be consistent. Follow through. Don't raise your voice.
Seek counseling and be sure you understand yourself and the issues you had with your mother. This will help you understand why you feel the way you do and prevent you from unknowingly triggering old problems.
Anonymous
07/01/2015 12:48
Subject: s/o Mother daughter relationships that are great
I did not have a close relationship with my own mom. Always butting heads etc, completely different outlook on life. The upside is she is a devoted and wonderful grandmother. When I found out I was having a girl I actually cried because I am so worried about repeating the negative relationship with my own daughter. I would love to hear from grown women who have great relatioships with their mothers. How did you weather the teen years? What did/does your mom do right? How did you transition into friendship with your mom as you became older? Thanks