meant to say, "don't give in to anger"

Anonymous wrote:Kid is almost 6. Usually pretty well behaved. Started being so argumentative, disrespectful, doesn't listen, talks back, etc. Tips?? Ignore? We've tried giving positive attention when he's good/cooperative, punishing different ways, talking about it when he's calm, etcetera. Driving us nuts.

Didn't read the thread, so apologize if someone already said this.

Ignore it, and it will pass. Just pay attention to the good behavior. If you get angry and pay attention to the bad behavior, you WILL increase it. That's how it works at this age. As long as your child is not being destructive or doing anything dangerous, just ignore all the irritating behavior. Redirecting can sometimes help. Don't confront or it will get worse.

As far as ignoring requests, what worked for us was logical consequences. "Please put away your bicycle" became "Put away your bicycle or I will take it away, and you won't see it until next week." I had to act on this, but I only did it once. The bicycle and other toys got put away because DD didn't like it when they disappeared.

At age 6, if your child won't put on her shoes, for example, then you put them on. There's no way around that. Just do it calmly.

Stay strong, and don't get angry. Super hard to do. Walk away if you have to, but don't give in, or you will give your child power.

Best of luck, OP. It will pass. Kids test limits, and your child is testing your parenting skills.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the replies. We already do a lot of this (giving him autonomy and choices when we can, etc). And overall he's cooperative/well-behaved. But he has spells of awful behavior. Doing mean things to little sibling, speaking really disrespectfully, etc. To the ice cream example above, when he's in this mode, that answer would lead to him pitching a fit about wanting it NOOOOWWWW! Or giving a choice would result in "neither one!" We are trying to make sure he gets enough sleep; that is one possible explanation lately. I agree that finding and fixing the root cause is best, but I was also wondering how other parents deal when this behavior does occur. For those who don't tolerate a disrespectful tone or tantrums, how do you nip it in the bud? Thanks.

Ice cream: I do the same thing PP does by saying yes with qualifiers. If this results in a tantrum, yes becomes no, and if the tantrum gets worse, the child is given the option of regaining control in the kitchen or in their room. If they have to go to their room, they will stay there until they are in control. One child has gotten so that she will start to tantrum, pause and look at me, turn around and stomp up to her room. Yes, there's a bunch of yelling and screaming for a few minutes, but it's muffled through the door, then she calmly comes down to rejoin the family.

Choices are a privilege. If a choice results in no or neither one, I choose, and because I don't offer choices where I don't like one option, it works for me. I make sure to remind the child later that the reason that they aren't happy with the result is because they decided not to choose, so I had to choose for them.

Yes, sleep is important, but there will be times when kids are extremely tired, and they have to know that the rules apply all the time, not just when they are happy and well-rested.

Thanks for the replies. We already do a lot of this (giving him autonomy and choices when we can, etc). And overall he's cooperative/well-behaved. But he has spells of awful behavior. Doing mean things to little sibling, speaking really disrespectfully, etc. To the ice cream example above, when he's in this mode, that answer would lead to him pitching a fit about wanting it NOOOOWWWW! Or giving a choice would result in "neither one!" We are trying to make sure he gets enough sleep; that is one possible explanation lately. I agree that finding and fixing the root cause is best, but I was also wondering how other parents deal when this behavior does occur. For those who don't tolerate a disrespectful tone or tantrums, how do you nip it in the bud? Thanks.

My kid is like this and I love it. I mean, it's hard to parent him, but I love that he's strong-willed and speaks out for what he wants. I want to encourage that in a positive way.

If you can, give him more autonomy in some areas of his life. Autonomy that's appropriate for a 6 year old, of course. What does he fuss about the most? Is there some way to change up that situation?

My son fussed about the car window being up or down, so I let him be in control of his passenger window. He fussed about not having enough time to play in the mornings before school. I wasn't going to get him up earlier, but I got him an alarm clock that he's in control of. I wake him at 7:30 regardless. If he wants to get up earlier, he sets his alarm.

He fussed about not getting enough time to play at night before homework (I work, we play together after dinner, and then do homework 1/2 before bed). I switched that up to doing homework "before" dinner, and all is fine. The important part here is that he had a say in how his life goes. That empowers him. I can't say yes or change things all the time, but he knows I work with him to work things out when I can. It makes a HUGE difference.

I don't stand for disrespectful words or tone. He can debate or ask me for anything in the world, as long as he does it politely.

To piggyback on what PP said we have found that for our DC it actually helps to give some limited choices so that DC feels like he has some level of control.

Do you want to eat carrots or broccoli with your dinner?

Time to put on your shoes. Come over here. Which jacket do you want? The green one or blue one?

It's almost time for lights out. Do you want 1 more minute to read or 5 more? (DC always chooses 5 but this works much much better than saying 5 more minutes until lights out.)

I also try to say yes to things a lot but qualify the yeses.
DC - I want ice cream. Give me ice cream.
Me - Yes, sure. Let's eat dinner first and I'll get you your ice cream after we clean up.

Which to DC sounds much better than No, you have to eat your dinner first.

We try not to threaten but sometimes there's no other way and we do find ourselves doing what PP said in her point #2. She's right that you must always follow through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe some negative attention is what he needs. Try saying, NO!

Trust me, he's gotten plenty of negative attention for it. Maybe too much. Thanks to the second PP. We do try to get him involved in helping us, doing something constructive, etc. I'm not so great at being patient, but also at some point I feel like he should just do what we ask when it's something simple like "stop that" or "put your shoes on." I tend to explain things so I'm not just saying "because I said so," but lately I feel like maybe that's been a mistake. Every.Little.Thing. Doesn't need to be negotiations and arguments!

The kids all know that I will explain my reasoning for why I want them to do anything. But they have to do it first. This cuts arguments about whether it's necessary down fast, because it's already done. If the child thinks that not doing it is the other option, then they lose a privilege directly related (doesn't want to get shoes on so we can leave means that instead of going to the park and then the grocery store, we'll skip the park and just do the store). I offer choices when they are age appropriate and I can live with either choice (ie. we can go to the park and then the library or the library and then the park, doesn't matter to me what the order is). I prefer natural consequences that take the "bad guy" persona away from the parent and make the issue between the child and their behavior, as it gives the child an incentive to figure out why the behavior is inappropriate.

1. Make sure your requests don's sound like choices. Don't say "Would you like to put on your shoes?" or "Will you put on your shoes for me?" Be direct and make it clear that no is not an option. Go put on your shoes.
2. Do not allow time to move forward until the request has been satisfied. If you say to go put on shoes and he continues watching tv, you turn the tv off. If he won't put down his toys or walk away from the Legos you say "If you don't stop now, these toys will go in time out for the rest of today and all of tomorrow." And then FOLLOW THROUGH on that.
3. My kid honestly does not recognize when she is arguing. I had to teach her that ANY time she says "No, but ..." she is arguing.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe some negative attention is what he needs. Try saying, NO!

Trust me, he's gotten plenty of negative attention for it. Maybe too much. Thanks to the second PP. We do try to get him involved in helping us, doing something constructive, etc. I'm not so great at being patient, but also at some point I feel like he should just do what we ask when it's something simple like "stop that" or "put your shoes on." I tend to explain things so I'm not just saying "because I said so," but lately I feel like maybe that's been a mistake. Every.Little.Thing. Doesn't need to be negotiations and arguments!

We're going through the same thing with our almost 6 DS. He's suddenly very sensitive to control issues, needs to be spoken to politely (not bossed around), gets his feathers ruffled easily. It's helped to be patient, polite, set very clear boundaries ahead of time and also involve him in adult activities more like pumping gas or grilling. He appreciates the opportunity to learn something a bit risky and to prove he's capable.

Maybe some negative attention is what he needs. Try saying, NO!

Kid is almost 6. Usually pretty well behaved. Started being so argumentative, disrespectful, doesn't listen, talks back, etc. Tips?? Ignore? We've tried giving positive attention when he's good/cooperative, punishing different ways, talking about it when he's calm, etcetera. Driving us nuts.