Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:16     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it's o.k. to ask your mother about it. I don't know what state of mind your grandmother was in when she told this story but if she was on pain meds, had dementia, "chemo brain" or something else that could have affected her memory, the story may not be real.

In the meantime, you're carrying this weight around and it is a burden for you. Ask your mom.


It's a burden? That seems a bit much. She never even met him.


Yes, it's a burden. Something horrible is said to have happened and family members have supposedly been covering it up for years. Ask. Just because grandma said it happened doesn't make it true.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:14     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
This man died before you were born. Nothing he did or didn't do impacts your life, yet you are willing to potentially hurt your mother to satisfy your curiosity. How selfish and self-absorbed. Seriously, op, he died before you were born. Give it a rest.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:13     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
My mother's stepfather was a member of the KKK. Hard to think of something worse than that. I believe my mother. If you trust your mother to tell you the truth, ask her.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:11     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I think it's o.k. to ask your mother about it. I don't know what state of mind your grandmother was in when she told this story but if she was on pain meds, had dementia, "chemo brain" or something else that could have affected her memory, the story may not be real.

In the meantime, you're carrying this weight around and it is a burden for you. Ask your mom.


It's a burden? That seems a bit much. She never even met him.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:11     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:09     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
I think it's o.k. to ask your mother about it. I don't know what state of mind your grandmother was in when she told this story but if she was on pain meds, had dementia, "chemo brain" or something else that could have affected her memory, the story may not be real.

In the meantime, you're carrying this weight around and it is a burden for you. Ask your mom.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:06     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Several years ago, my cousin told me that our mutual grandfather did something really horrible. She said our grandmother told her the story in detail before she died. We've never mentioned it again, primarily because we live across the country from each other and don't chat very often.

Neither of us ever knew this grandfather, as he had died before we were born. However, in my mind, he has always had a larger-than-life persona. My mother and all aunts/ uncles etc of her generation adored him. Even in death, he was known as a family patriarch whom "everyone" thought highly of.

My mother is now in her 80's. She's in great health, but obviously, my time to ask her about this is limited. I have a real curiosity about it and would like to know more, as I think it would fill in some missing details in our family story. But I don't want to upset her unnecessarily and a part of me just thinks I should let the secrets go to the grave, so to speak.

Would you bring this up with your elderly mother, in this situation?


Don't bring it up to your elderly mother.


I'll make you feel better. My grandmother's brother was a child pornographer. As in he made it and distributed it. Pillar of the community, active in church, yada yada. No one knew until he died and his niece and daughter cleaned out his apartment. My grandmother loved her brother dearly and spoke so highly of him. We never had the heart to tell her, it wasn't worth the pain she would go through.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:03     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Id ask. That's my personality. And my mum wouldn't be surprised I asked.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 17:03     Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask her about it just to satisfy your own curiosity.
If your mother had wanted you to know she would have told you. If the individual is dead it doesn't matter at this point.It seems you value your curiosity over everyone else.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 16:58     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why don't you tell us what this dark family secret is??? It's an anonymous board!


I think OP doesn't know what it is, only that it is bad. OP wants to ask mom.


No, I actually know. As noted, my grandmother told my cousin in detail and my cousin told me.

I know it's an anonymous board, but I still don't want to post it here! It's still upsetting to me to think that something like this could involve such a close blood relative. Suffice it to say that it was a crime -- could have possibly been a guilt-by-association thing -- but still, in my mind at least, really bad.

And to the PP who mentioned to be prepared for the lionizing of a revered relative, that is part of what I'm afraid of if I do bring this up with my mother. I'm really afraid she will say something like "yes, it's true, BUT" and of course in my mind, there are no "buts." I'm afraid it will even make me think a little less of her, to be truthful, because she doesn't condemn it in the way that I do.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 16:55     Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
I wouldn't ask her about it just to satisfy your own curiosity.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 16:53     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Why don't you tell us what this dark family secret is??? It's an anonymous board!


I think OP doesn't know what it is, only that it is bad. OP wants to ask mom.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 16:48     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
It really depends on the secret. No matter how vile the act, some people will go to great lengths to lionize a beloved relative of theirs - including demonizing those who question their goodness. Be prepared for that.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 16:46     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Why don't you tell us what this dark family secret is??? It's an anonymous board!
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2015 16:44     Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Several years ago, my cousin told me that our mutual grandfather did something really horrible. She said our grandmother told her the story in detail before she died. We've never mentioned it again, primarily because we live across the country from each other and don't chat very often.

Neither of us ever knew this grandfather, as he had died before we were born. However, in my mind, he has always had a larger-than-life persona. My mother and all aunts/ uncles etc of her generation adored him. Even in death, he was known as a family patriarch whom "everyone" thought highly of.

My mother is now in her 80's. She's in great health, but obviously, my time to ask her about this is limited. I have a real curiosity about it and would like to know more, as I think it would fill in some missing details in our family story. But I don't want to upset her unnecessarily and a part of me just thinks I should let the secrets go to the grave, so to speak.

Would you bring this up with your elderly mother, in this situation?