I think by nature many men are just not cut out to be caregivers. They are used to being cared for by their mothers, then their wives.

I know a girl I went to college with, she got Stage IV lung cancer (non-smoker by the way) and shortly after she started chemo treatments and her hair began falling out, her husband left her. They were married for 17 1/2 yrs. so this shocked all of our friends. They had two kids, but the kids were already older teens.

She eventually died, but had the good sense to initialize a divorce from the rat prior to her death.

Bless your heart. I haven't been in your shoes but I know you're not alone. Have you thought about therapy to talk this out with a professional? Might be helpful. Praying for you all.

mommato2lilmonkeys

I started dating my boyfriend about a year into treatment for cervical cancer. He cared for me after 2 surgeries and 6 months of chemo. It wasn't easy on him, I always felt bad asking him to do things for me, and I often felt like he was just so frustrated he should leave me. I made sure to tell him how appreciative I was. I thanked him for every little thing. He still just looked so tired and stuck.

I am now 6 months out from my last treatment. He is now the one needing more support due to a major life change. I am doing everything I can to help him, trying to cheer him up and on as we go. It definitely has taken a toll on me. Relationships will always have periods where one person has to give just a little bit more. Knowing that you can support one another through whatever life throws is important. You both have a lot going on, but make sure you take the time to let him know what he means to you and how much you appreciate the little things he does.

Opposite situation here. I left and I am the sick person. Our relationship was pretty bad. Then I got sick and it got worse. I think it's possible my illness caused us both to change. I was more dependent. He was more angry. We were both frustrated at the futility of what was happening. He wanted me to do more, try more, when I was realizing how little control I had over it and needed to learn acceptance. And really needed help and care and loving support.

So I guess what I'm saying is having a major health problem can cause problems in a relationship. Everyone says "in sickness and in health" but most people see that as tottering around together in their seventies, not having to help someone in their thirties walk to the bathroom.

Also, it changes you, the sick person, in huge ways. It's a paradigm shift like becoming a parent. So when your personality and your outlook changes to such an extent, it's not surprising that your relationships will change too.

Fear, latent selfishness, latent resentment, etc., can make some cancer victims harder to live with than others. For example, if someone's got the energy to do the adult version of Make-A-Wish but can't even pick up something off the floor or wipe their own butt, I can see that getting old for the healthy/caretaking spouse really fast, especially if the ill spouse wasn't all that easy to live with before coming down with cancer.

On the other hand, some healthy spouses just don't want to put in extra work. So their fear, latent selfishness, etc., comes to the surface and they bail at the first sign of trouble.

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with my husband who had terminal cancer - diagnosed during the fallout of discovering that he picked up girls, strippers, had affairs during the time he travelled for business.

I stayed.

He lived for three more years. He said if he had known we could be such good friends, he would have never done the things he did and he would have invested time at home.

We planned his illness well, rented a hospital bed at home, involved hospice when the time was right.

The last words he heard me say were "I love you." He replied " I know" and he died twenty minutes later.

I wouldn't have done anything different.

God blesses you

I stayed with my husband who had terminal cancer - diagnosed during the fallout of discovering that he picked up girls, strippers, had affairs during the time he travelled for business.

I stayed.

He lived for three more years. He said if he had known we could be such good friends, he would have never done the things he did and he would have invested time at home.

We planned his illness well, rented a hospital bed at home, involved hospice when the time was right.

The last words he heard me say were "I love you." He replied " I know" and he died twenty minutes later.

I wouldn't have done anything different.

I remember seeing in the press that when Moira Tierney was diagnosed with breast cancer it co-incided with her divorce from her husband of what, 12 years?

I don't now how the two were connected, but I wondered at the time if he'd jumped ship when she fell ill.

Its a terrible thing to do to anyone.

Back in the 90s I knew a woman whose husband left the moment she was diagnosed with Parkinsons. They had an 8 year old kid.

We take vows for better or for worse and in sickness and health. I think that most people take those words very seriously. Life is full of unexpected turns some related to illness and some completely different but all equally trying. It's actually a commitment already made to support each other through these times. It's not all supposed to be perfect and easy and, in fact, it never is. Be careful not to project your worries on to how your partner may be feeling. It's ok for him/her to have dread. Caretakers experience their own set of emotions that are legitimate but they don't mean that they don't love you or want to be with you or will leave you. It's important to also let them feel what they are going through.

I am a child of a marriage where one person stood by the other person for 54 years. Through multiple heart attacks, strokes, seizures all starting at age 45. My mother had three kids and a husband who was sick then from 45 for the rest of time. She loved my father and loved us and our family. There is no perfect story. Ironically, he ended up outliving her! Go figure.

Good luck with your illness. These are difficult times hopefully threaded together with even stronger roots.

I always think that when that happens the relationship probably wasn't 100% to begin with. Would you abandon your kid if they suddenly needed extreme care? I know it's a crappy way to live, to become a caregiver for years on end at the point of your life that you're supposed to be enjoying more, but if you truly love the person I don't know how you can walk away.

I haven't been there. I'm not judging, exactly. I just cannot wrap my head around it. I'm fully aware that if I was in that position I might feel differently.

I find life can be complicated and can go in phases. I felt that way when I had cancer soon after we were married, but we are still together years later. A lot of the young cancer survivors I happen to know weren't married at the time of their diagnosis so I don't really have a basis for comparison. But all that matters is you.

I stuck by him with some very hard times with his family (sibling's legal and financial problems due to drugs) and career.

It is extremely difficult to worry about relapse. I don't know your situation or diagnosis, but 5 years out I rarely think of my cancer, though in the first 1-2 years I thought of it every hour of every day.

It cuts both ways I think. Life and relationships are complicated. Kids are great but can be time consuming, stressful, expensive.

Can you get more alone time together to reconnect? Do a babysitting swap with a friend? Sending you hugs for a good day.

Hugs, OP.

Are you saying that you may divorce due to caregiver's burnout?

http://www.webmd.com/heart-disease/heart-disease-recognizing-caregiver-burnout

I know this is about "heart-disease" but I think it is the same for cancer/Alzheimer/etc

I am sorry about what you are going through. I have not personally been there, although I have friends who have.

I highly recommend that both of you enter therapy. What you are going through is incredibly stressful and overwhelming, and you both need support.

It must be tough. At first you judge but then you realise how draining and paralyzing a disease /injury can be for a marriage. Still selfish and can destroy a family bond and relationships all around. Those who separated why did you do it ? Do you regret it? What is your relationship with your kids? My DH is looking wearily at me now. I know he loves me but the stress of work, kids, life and second possibility of my cancer well ..,