Anonymous wrote:

Cogiteur wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?

Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.

I do long for him. We do still keep in touch. We both have acknowledged our feelings, but want to stay true to our spouses. Some days are more difficult than others, but I am learning it's more important to just know the love is there. I don't need to hear it all the time because I know it just is. It's taken a long time to get to this place, but it's worth it.

Really beautiful.

I'm envious of your relationship, that he can still hear (or read) your voice. And I'm humbled by your honesty, and your fidelity.

Cogiteur wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?

Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.

I do long for him. We do still keep in touch. We both have acknowledged our feelings, but want to stay true to our spouses. Some days are more difficult than others, but I am learning it's more important to just know the love is there. I don't need to hear it all the time because I know it just is. It's taken a long time to get to this place, but it's worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Op here. This is similar to my situation. I'm trying to work up the nerve to tell him how I feel but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid it's not real, that I'll say it and then things will change. And I don't think he'd say it back, but I also think he wants me to say it. He's asked me several times to tell him what I'm thinking, and I try but it's literally like I open my mouth and the words won't come out. And then I say something half-assed.

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

He's not asking what you're thinking about climate change or the economy or whether Tom Brady really deserved a four-game suspension. He's asking you what you're thinking.

You should tell him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Op here. This is similar to my situation. I'm trying to work up the nerve to tell him how I feel but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid it's not real, that I'll say it and then things will change. And I don't think he'd say it back, but I also think he wants me to say it. He's asked me several times to tell him what I'm thinking, and I try but it's literally like I open my mouth and the words won't come out. And then I say something half-assed.

Cogiteur wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?

Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.

There is someone in my life that I loved deeply. He never loved me back. But I learned that love really is about giving without expecting it back. But I also learned that as much as I loved him, I loved me more and I needed more that he could give me. So I had to walk away. There is a piece of my heart that still love him deeply. And I learned how to love him in my heart, but not in my life. We are still friends, but only in contact sporadically (every couple of years).

Loving him and keeping my heart open to loving him even without receiving love back from him was a great lesson. As was loving so much, but knowing I loved me more and doing what I needed to do to take care of me. It has helped me so much in my marriage (I met him after the other guy). And I am very lucky I found someone I love even more and on a deeper level I didn't know existed and who loves me back.

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't tell her, why not? Is it because you weren't sure whether it was love? Or were the circumstances inappropriate? I think this happens in men and I'm trying to understand it. Have you ever been in a relationship or friendship where you knew you were in love with the woman but you never told her? Or have you been in a relationship where the woman tells you she loves you, but you don't say it back because you don't return the feeling? What would you call the feeling you did feel if you wouldn't call it love?

2 reasons why he isn't saying he loves you...
1) he doesn't love you. He likes you but there is something missing. He can't put his finger on it and doesn't want to be mean. So he will stretch things out hoping he can force himself to love you (he won't be able to) or that things are comfortable, so why not just stay in this until something better comes along.

2) he does love you, but can't say it. Whatever the reason (he's scared, he's been hurt before (haven't we all?), he's not a very expressive person), it doesn't matter. All that matters is, do you need him to say I love you? Are you okay being with someone who can't or won't say it? If the answer is No, then leave. (Or give yourself a mental deadline of how long you will wait, then leave). For me I learned I need to be a guy who's actions matched his words and his words matched his actions. I needed to hear I Love You at some point.

Then there is the weird mind-fuck that women come up with, "I know that He loves me but he just doesn't know how to experience love". This is so messed up. You aren't his therapist. It isn't your job to fix him. If he was so messed up in life that he doesn't even know how to experience love, then you need to leave. There are so many levels of messed up that will take years of therapy to unravel. And you can't do that for him. Your love will not unravel it for him. Staying will not open him up. Leave, leave, leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?

Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.

Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.

Anonymous wrote:http://youtu.be/U5a_vjHyd0s

Wow, thank you. That's it exactly.

"And now she's caught between
What to say and what she really means"

Life is short, we only have one on this earth, so my theory is live it to the fullest by staying true to yourself and your morals and values. In your case OP, if you are the one in love and afraid to tell her/him, just take a deep breath and pour out you feeling to that person. What is the worst that can happen? They don't love you back. Ok, fine, it's their loss. You will eventually find someone that loves you and it will help you not dwell on this love that may not blossom into a great relationship and keep you from finding your happiness. On the other side, the person could be sharing the same feeling but be as shy or afraid as you are, in that case, you can end up havin a great relationship. So why pass it by? Le us know how it goes.

Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.

Tell her. What do you have to be scared of?

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't tell her, why not? Is it because you weren't sure whether it was love? Or were the circumstances inappropriate? I think this happens in men and I'm trying to understand it. Have you ever been in a relationship or friendship where you knew you were in love with the woman but you never told her? Or have you been in a relationship where the woman tells you she loves you, but you don't say it back because you don't return the feeling? What would you call the feeling you did feel if you wouldn't call it love?

I've been in love only twice in my life. The first time around I was in college, and feeling bold, and just took the risk and told her. The second time around things were complicated, so I danced around it, implied it, made not-so-subtle references to it, but never actually told her, "I love you." She knew it, but how I wanted to say the words ...

Being in love is both wonderfully exhilarating and utterly terrifying at the same time. And to actually tell someone that you love her is to render yourself completely emotionally vulnerable. No one likes that feeling, especially men, and for some the risk of humiliation or rejection or a broken heart is just too great.

If you didn't tell her, why not? Is it because you weren't sure whether it was love? Or were the circumstances inappropriate? I think this happens in men and I'm trying to understand it. Have you ever been in a relationship or friendship where you knew you were in love with the woman but you never told her? Or have you been in a relationship where the woman tells you she loves you, but you don't say it back because you don't return the feeling? What would you call the feeling you did feel if you wouldn't call it love?