Humor can work too, but the validation technique is also super important at this age we have recently found out.

I swear the kids these days have it much harder than we did and I grew up in a pretty hellish environment compared to our kids but still, with social media and school pressures, I feel things are way more difficult for our tweens/teens - early puberty doesn't help.

FWIW, DD's horrible stage lasted only about 1.5-2 years. She is now almost 16 and usually, but certainly not always, pretty easy to be around now.

Select from random any of the following:
"Oh good! My evil plan is working, BWAHAHAHAHAHA" (evil genius scientist or witch cackle whichever feels right)
"Only for the next half hour, then I'll try to make it better again"
"I'm your mother/father/parent/whatever, that's my job."
"Maybe a nice hot shower will make you feel more human."

and anything else along those lines. This too shall pass. Just remember, the end goal is to have them survive through high school. Then it's up to them.

Honestly, I would make fun of it. Taking overly dramatic statements seriously is not the way to go IMHO. "Yes I do! But I see my secret plans have been uncovered... I will need to hatch another plan to ruin your life suddenly, swiftly and irrevocably. Until we meet again... on the doorstep of the bathroom, old nemesis!!"

We have a 12 yo DD turning 13 this summer and have heard the same thing, more than once sorry to say. This past year has been the worst. She is angry, nasty to parents and younger siblings alike, and all around horrible. I don't remember middle school being so stressful so we are trying our best to cope. People tell me that it starts to ease in HS but until then we don't need her wrecking our home life. Hang in there. At least know you are not alone.

Just to clarify -- I was thanking all the posters not just the previous one.

OP here. Some great advice. Thank you for sharing.

"Wow, it sounds like you are really upset. I love you, and I want to help make your life better, not ruin it. It's a problem if you feel I'm doing something that serious and detrimental. Would you like to talk about it?"

If irritated teen stomps off to do whatever you said because it's not worth a long conversation, situation over.

Otherwise:

"OK. What I thought was going on, was simply that I asked you to take a shower. That seems reasonable to me, but obviously it's a problem for you. I don't really want to be making you do things that upset you; I would way rather come up with solutions that work for both of us and still get done the things that need to get done. What's going on here from your perspective?"

Then, hopefully, you will figure out the root of the problem. Is she feeling like you nag her? Was she in the middle of something? Did she have plans to take a shower at another time? Is there a massive crisis going on that she's trying to deal with and the request to shower is simply terrible timing?

All of those things can most likely be worked through to find a mutually agreeable solution.

"You're ruining my life" is a pretty strong statement of discontent, and I would rather my child not be that upset if there's a reasonable way around it. My vision of our family and my role as a parent is that I am my child's ally and advocate always, so if she's not feeling that that's the case there's something wrong and I would want to address it.

Don't worry too much about it - they're all just words. Be consistently firm yet loving.

You need to toughen up. She means it sincerely in the moment, but still loves you.

"I'm not trying to ruin your life, I'm just trying to make it less smelly."

As a parent, I dread this phase as well, it hasn't hit me yet. I know I said that and other terrible things to my parents around that age but once I got to about 16, it was better and we have a great relationship. Hang in there OP!!

I agree to just agree.

Check out the validation thread.

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her, yes, you do and it means you are doing a good job as a parent.

This makes no sense to me.

Just tell her, yes, you do and it means you are doing a good job as a parent.

Lovely words said to me tonight by my 13 yo daughter. Still not sure what my offense was other than wanting her to take a quick shower. I guess it won't be the last time but still very sad to hear. I haven't heard "I hate you" yet but guess that will be coming soon. It is very hard parenting a teen daughter and I know it will get harder as she gets older.