OP here. Thanks for the responses. Would love to hear more thoughts and ideas from people. To answer a previous question, he is very active. He plays a sport each season and has a lot of friends through those, and he plays piano. But when he's home he just wanders around, and I find him on my phone or a computer every time I turn a corner, even though he knows it's just supposed to be on weekends (and we let him check Clash of Clans and Instagram each morning). During his weekend computer time, he does do Minecraft on-line with his friends, as a poster suggested.

He will be 13 at the end of the summer. I remember feeling bored and watching a lot of TV around that age. But TV got boring (we didn't have cable) and I would choose to turn it off. I really don't know at what point I should just let him do whatever, more like a grown-up. Or, if I should keep up our strict limits. His younger brothers get jealous when they see him on the phone or the computer and ask to be on it, too, so I do think it would be hard to just let him do whatever, because then I might have to get rid of the limits for everyone, and I do think they are mostly a good thing. But I feel like the balance is off with him. He says his friends text and are on instagram all the time, and he feels left out if he's not.

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo gets 1 hour of video games daily Fri-Sunday. He also has a smart phone and limiting that exposure is really hard.

A couple months ago adopted a 'no smartphone/no laptop' time from 6:30-9 for everyone -- including Mom and Dad. Devices go in a box/get charged. We've made exceptions when there was a school assignment that required going online - but those have been rare and our kids have mostly gotten that work done before 6:30 pm.

I'm not the OP, but I like this idea.

I'm interested in reading more responses to this thread.

My 13 yo gets 1 hour of video games daily Fri-Sunday. He also has a smart phone and limiting that exposure is really hard.

A couple months ago adopted a 'no smartphone/no laptop' time from 6:30-9 for everyone -- including Mom and Dad. Devices go in a box/get charged. We've made exceptions when there was a school assignment that required going online - but those have been rare and our kids have mostly gotten that work done before 6:30 pm.

Anonymous wrote: I wouldn't give social media to him until he's 13. It just makes it easier.

I don't see how this addresses the problem at all. Do you really think waiting 6-9 months would have fixed the core problem?

Why not set a specific time limit -- like you can have 30 min. or 1 hr. of computer fun time per day?

My kids get 20 min. per day, but I will probably increase that during the summer. I probably need to institute tv time limits as well.

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wouldn't give social media to him until he's 13. It just makes it easier. I know you already have, but maybe don't give any more.

I play Minecraft and Clash of Clans with my son, so his gaming time is limited to when I'm playing, and that's not a whole bunch. It also lets me know what he's doing.

What are his other interests and hobbies? Is he in any groups, sports, band, school groups? If not, is there something you could enroll him in to help expand his friend base? It's often really helpful to provide different groups of people from which to build friendships. School alone gets old, especially if a child is having some challenges.

Depending on how summer goes, we will probably indicate to our DC that he will need to participate in one sport/season in addition to his music lessons. They will not need to be team sports, but he will need to enroll in something.

DD is also 12. She's got Pinterest and Instagram, but mostly texts with her friends. I just take her iPod Touch if she's been spending too much time on it. On school nights she has to stop by 9pm.

She's pretty social and uses texting to make plans with friends a lot. We've talked a lot about BEING with the people you're with, and not sitting at a dinner table with someone while looking at your phone.

OP, you're the parent. Just take his phone away. Take the games away. They're not his right.

Have him get skype and game online with friends during his three hours. A lot of boy socializing happens that way.

They can get several kids together online at once amd talk and interact while gaming.

Well, I wouldn't give social media to him until he's 13. It just makes it easier. I know you already have, but maybe don't give any more.

I play Minecraft and Clash of Clans with my son, so his gaming time is limited to when I'm playing, and that's not a whole bunch. It also lets me know what he's doing.

What are his other interests and hobbies? Is he in any groups, sports, band, school groups? If not, is there something you could enroll him in to help expand his friend base? It's often really helpful to provide different groups of people from which to build friendships. School alone gets old, especially if a child is having some challenges.

I would love to hear ideas from people about how they manage their middle schoolers' computer/phone time. I feel like all of this technology is so new, it's hard to look back at what I did as a middle schooler and get any frame of reference. We've always limited my son to about 3 hours a day on weekends, because if we didn't, he would play video games all of the time. I have never seen him put them away on his own. We let him get an instagram account a few months ago, and now he is on it constantly. He doesn't have a phone, but every time he is home, I will come into a room and find him on my phone. He is also on Clash of Clans all the time. How do you all manage this? It doesn't seem good for him-- he talks a lot about how he has no friends (even though he does) which makes me think seeing people doing stuff without him on instagram is bothering him. And he no longer seems interested in spending any time with the rest of us (his parents and two younger brothers). But I know all his peers are probably on this stuff all the time, and I don't want him to feel like an outcast if we never let him on it. Has anyone hit upon any good solutions or compromises? Thanks!