Anonymous
06/10/2015 13:46
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Your DH should go without you sometimes. Have him take one kid, then switch the next time.
Make the visits a little shorter.
Leave the kids with Gma and DH and go to Starbucks with a book and/or laptop. For hours.
Make the visits a little shorter.
Leave the kids with Gma and DH and go to Starbucks with a book and/or laptop. For hours.
Anonymous
06/10/2015 13:30
Subject: Re:Help me cope with in laws visit
Like many pp have said you need to have something to do each day. Even if you and the kids take up a new hobby. Try geocatching. It will give you an excuse to explore the town and be to odd for MIL to tag along.
How old are your kids? Are they in scouts? If so you know have a reason to leave every day. Larla needs to do x, y, and z to complete her badge requirements so we are going to go do that today. MIL does not need to know that this is not a requirement that needs to be done that particular week.
Go for a walk. Take one child with you. Walk for 45 min and then stop at the play ground/ice cream shop/corner store for a candy bar. Just so the other child is not left out...repeat the adventure with the other child. See, now you got out of the house twice, you spent quality time with each kid and you let MIL spend quality time with each child.
Good luck OP. I know trips like this can be hard but DO NOT let MIL ruin your relationship with your spouse or kids.
How old are your kids? Are they in scouts? If so you know have a reason to leave every day. Larla needs to do x, y, and z to complete her badge requirements so we are going to go do that today. MIL does not need to know that this is not a requirement that needs to be done that particular week.
Go for a walk. Take one child with you. Walk for 45 min and then stop at the play ground/ice cream shop/corner store for a candy bar. Just so the other child is not left out...repeat the adventure with the other child. See, now you got out of the house twice, you spent quality time with each kid and you let MIL spend quality time with each child.
Good luck OP. I know trips like this can be hard but DO NOT let MIL ruin your relationship with your spouse or kids.
Anonymous
06/10/2015 13:26
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Go into it knowing that nothing you do will change her comments. Nothing. If the kids are angels, if you moved next door it wouldn't matter. She will find something to make you feel bad about. People who are negative like this MUST always find a way you are falling short so the target is always moving. This is still really hard for me with my own MIL. I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole with her complaints. Once I've addressed one complaint, another unrelated one pops up. So I chose to just DROP the hammer and walk away. I am not responsible for her happiness. I chose to be polite and I encourage her relationship with my child. Beyond that, I drop the rope and let her hang herself if she wants to.
I also bring books to read, go for walks alone or with the kids, and/or drink plenty of wine if I can. Then I go to bed early, even if it's just to read or surf on my phone.
Remember, you are doing this to make your DH happy, NOT her. Concentrate on that. This trip is an investment in your marriage. You are also modeling to your children how to gracefully handle difficult people. They are learning from you, so think of how you'd want your kid's spouses to treat you (even if you were a pill) and DO THAT. It's not easy.
Good luck!
Great advice! So much great advice in this thread by other PPs too. You described my in-laws perfectly. They are just negative people, but like you said, it wouldn't matter what we did, we will always fall short. It's really hard to accept, but I think the strategy to just drop it and accept that only they can make themselves happy is good advice. I wish I could drink some wine while there, but it is a dry house. No alcohol in sight.
I'm the quoted PP.
Yes the negativity is SO hard to deal with. No one in my family is like so it was all new to me when I got married. And only my MIL is like that, no one else in DH's family is. But when my MIL isn't happy, NO one is allowed to be happy. She spends a lot of time being upset that she doesn't see us or our child enough. Well my DH's sister sees her everyday as she uses my MIL for childcare, and she manages to still be unhappy with SIL about other things in her life. She complains that we ask my mom to babysit before we ask her, but then when we do ask her to babysit, she complains about having to drive to our house or about the time we asked her to be there or whatever. It's really irritating and I often want to snap back "well, I can always just ask my mother if it's such a huge hassle for you!" but I usually just pass the phone to my DH. Serenity now!
Anonymous
06/10/2015 13:17
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
I like to go to bed early to allow DH time to hang out with his parents. I also go shopping around the afternoon a few days so they can hang out too.
What about grandma watching the kids while you and DH go out to dinner a few nights?
What about grandma watching the kids while you and DH go out to dinner a few nights?
Anonymous
06/10/2015 13:14
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Are you the poster whose kids very appropriately melted down after too much time at a mall or something?
Anonymous
06/10/2015 12:14
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Anonymous wrote:Go into it knowing that nothing you do will change her comments. Nothing. If the kids are angels, if you moved next door it wouldn't matter. She will find something to make you feel bad about. People who are negative like this MUST always find a way you are falling short so the target is always moving. This is still really hard for me with my own MIL. I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole with her complaints. Once I've addressed one complaint, another unrelated one pops up. So I chose to just DROP the hammer and walk away. I am not responsible for her happiness. I chose to be polite and I encourage her relationship with my child. Beyond that, I drop the rope and let her hang herself if she wants to.
I also bring books to read, go for walks alone or with the kids, and/or drink plenty of wine if I can. Then I go to bed early, even if it's just to read or surf on my phone.
Remember, you are doing this to make your DH happy, NOT her. Concentrate on that. This trip is an investment in your marriage. You are also modeling to your children how to gracefully handle difficult people. They are learning from you, so think of how you'd want your kid's spouses to treat you (even if you were a pill) and DO THAT. It's not easy.
Good luck!
Great advice! So much great advice in this thread by other PPs too. You described my in-laws perfectly. They are just negative people, but like you said, it wouldn't matter what we did, we will always fall short. It's really hard to accept, but I think the strategy to just drop it and accept that only they can make themselves happy is good advice. I wish I could drink some wine while there, but it is a dry house. No alcohol in sight.
Anonymous
06/10/2015 11:22
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
I think you need to have a full itinerary. Don't sit around the house all day - that's a recipe for disaster. I know you say it's a small town, but surely they have a bowling ally, a movie theater, a rec center or community theater? Even just a park where you're going to take the kids each afternoon.
Be there for breakfast, tell them your plans for the day (not times, just activities) and as soon as things start to get tense - excuse yourself & the kids, citing that the next activity is up and you better get going. If you give your kids a proper forum to get their energy out, then their behavior will naturally improve, and they'll get to just be kids away from IL's judging eyes. You'll have an easy out.
These kinds of people want to get a rise out of you. The key is to maintain control over yourself, your emtions, and not engage with their drama. When they start it, politely excuse yourself.
Be there for breakfast, tell them your plans for the day (not times, just activities) and as soon as things start to get tense - excuse yourself & the kids, citing that the next activity is up and you better get going. If you give your kids a proper forum to get their energy out, then their behavior will naturally improve, and they'll get to just be kids away from IL's judging eyes. You'll have an easy out.
These kinds of people want to get a rise out of you. The key is to maintain control over yourself, your emtions, and not engage with their drama. When they start it, politely excuse yourself.
Anonymous
06/10/2015 10:48
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Anonymous wrote:Lower your expectations to rock bottom. Expect each day to be something to get through rather than something fun and enjoyable. But as a PP said, if there are activities you can plan for, do it! Anything that gets everyone out of the house is good. It changes the dynamic, stimulates the kids, gives the day some structure.
Decide that you are your children's ally and you will not let your MIL or the tension she creates turn you against your kids or use them as a vent for your negative feelings.
If there's a book you've been looking forward to reading, bring it. Feel free to carve out "me" time and let your DH and his parents have some time alone with the kids. You are entitled to be a co-driver of what happens on this trip, especially with respect to how you spend your own time. Just go for it and don't worry if MIL seems annoyed. Someone is often going to be annoyed, so why not let it be her sometimes?
Try to ignore her annoying comments. Best revenge for that is no response and no engagement. Noncommittal "hmmm" sounds and then change the subject. Amuse yourself by counting how many baggy guilt comments she makes, or see if she can top the worst thing she said last time. Text a close friend whenever MIL says or does something annoying or nutty (it helps to have a place to vent, to turn it into a joke, and to remember that this is not your normal life and the visit is just an interlude).
If you drink, then imbibe moderately but often!
Really good advice.
Just make sure you don't really drunk, that's a recipe for disaster. Just get an early buzz and maintain it throughout the day.
Anonymous
06/10/2015 08:25
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Go into it knowing that nothing you do will change her comments. Nothing. If the kids are angels, if you moved next door it wouldn't matter. She will find something to make you feel bad about. People who are negative like this MUST always find a way you are falling short so the target is always moving. This is still really hard for me with my own MIL. I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole with her complaints. Once I've addressed one complaint, another unrelated one pops up. So I chose to just DROP the hammer and walk away. I am not responsible for her happiness. I chose to be polite and I encourage her relationship with my child. Beyond that, I drop the rope and let her hang herself if she wants to.
I also bring books to read, go for walks alone or with the kids, and/or drink plenty of wine if I can. Then I go to bed early, even if it's just to read or surf on my phone.
Remember, you are doing this to make your DH happy, NOT her. Concentrate on that. This trip is an investment in your marriage. You are also modeling to your children how to gracefully handle difficult people. They are learning from you, so think of how you'd want your kid's spouses to treat you (even if you were a pill) and DO THAT. It's not easy.
Good luck!
I also bring books to read, go for walks alone or with the kids, and/or drink plenty of wine if I can. Then I go to bed early, even if it's just to read or surf on my phone.
Remember, you are doing this to make your DH happy, NOT her. Concentrate on that. This trip is an investment in your marriage. You are also modeling to your children how to gracefully handle difficult people. They are learning from you, so think of how you'd want your kid's spouses to treat you (even if you were a pill) and DO THAT. It's not easy.
Good luck!
Anonymous
06/10/2015 07:48
Subject: Re:Help me cope with in laws visit
Have you and your husband discussed? From what you wrote it sounds like there's this giant elephant in the room which you are and your husband aren't talking about.
Is there any way you could only go for a couple of days and your husband go for the majority of the time with the kids?
Is there any way you could only go for a couple of days and your husband go for the majority of the time with the kids?
Anonymous
06/10/2015 07:42
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
*naggy not baggy!
Anonymous
06/10/2015 07:41
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Lower your expectations to rock bottom. Expect each day to be something to get through rather than something fun and enjoyable. But as a PP said, if there are activities you can plan for, do it! Anything that gets everyone out of the house is good. It changes the dynamic, stimulates the kids, gives the day some structure.
Decide that you are your children's ally and you will not let your MIL or the tension she creates turn you against your kids or use them as a vent for your negative feelings.
If there's a book you've been looking forward to reading, bring it. Feel free to carve out "me" time and let your DH and his parents have some time alone with the kids. You are entitled to be a co-driver of what happens on this trip, especially with respect to how you spend your own time. Just go for it and don't worry if MIL seems annoyed. Someone is often going to be annoyed, so why not let it be her sometimes?
Try to ignore her annoying comments. Best revenge for that is no response and no engagement. Noncommittal "hmmm" sounds and then change the subject. Amuse yourself by counting how many baggy guilt comments she makes, or see if she can top the worst thing she said last time. Text a close friend whenever MIL says or does something annoying or nutty (it helps to have a place to vent, to turn it into a joke, and to remember that this is not your normal life and the visit is just an interlude).
If you drink, then imbibe moderately but often!
Decide that you are your children's ally and you will not let your MIL or the tension she creates turn you against your kids or use them as a vent for your negative feelings.
If there's a book you've been looking forward to reading, bring it. Feel free to carve out "me" time and let your DH and his parents have some time alone with the kids. You are entitled to be a co-driver of what happens on this trip, especially with respect to how you spend your own time. Just go for it and don't worry if MIL seems annoyed. Someone is often going to be annoyed, so why not let it be her sometimes?
Try to ignore her annoying comments. Best revenge for that is no response and no engagement. Noncommittal "hmmm" sounds and then change the subject. Amuse yourself by counting how many baggy guilt comments she makes, or see if she can top the worst thing she said last time. Text a close friend whenever MIL says or does something annoying or nutty (it helps to have a place to vent, to turn it into a joke, and to remember that this is not your normal life and the visit is just an interlude).
If you drink, then imbibe moderately but often!
Anonymous
06/10/2015 05:12
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
I'd scour the internet to find activities to do to get out of the house: movie theaters, hiking, some historical place,a bookstore, an ice skating rink...something that will get you out of the house. It doesn't have to be exciting. But make it something to go to with the kids.
Talk with your husband NOW about expectations around talking to the kids about their behavior. "Last time I was really frustrated when both you and your mother were criticizing the kids' behavior that was typical and appropriate. If you feel that there's a problem, talk with me privately and we'll come up with a plan. But you're not going to yell at them in front of everyone because your mom is stressed out.
Does he really talk with her every.single.day???
Don't forget to pack some wine.
Talk with your husband NOW about expectations around talking to the kids about their behavior. "Last time I was really frustrated when both you and your mother were criticizing the kids' behavior that was typical and appropriate. If you feel that there's a problem, talk with me privately and we'll come up with a plan. But you're not going to yell at them in front of everyone because your mom is stressed out.
Does he really talk with her every.single.day???
Don't forget to pack some wine.
Anonymous
06/10/2015 05:00
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Wow, OP, that does sound rotten. Have you talked over the last visit with your DH, specifically the cycle of negativity with the kids and how they were called out for seemingly normal behavior? It seems to me that was the worst of it, and you and DH should agree in advance to try to avoid that at all costs, with perhaps a "code word" to each other if you feel that is happening.
Can you also agree in advance to have "shifts" or "coverage" so that you will be able to leave the scene for certain periods to take a nap, take a shower, go shopping, read a book, take a walk or talk to your kids about how they think the visit is going. Or you can get away as a family without MIL.
Also, I think a week is too long. 2-3 days.
Can you also agree in advance to have "shifts" or "coverage" so that you will be able to leave the scene for certain periods to take a nap, take a shower, go shopping, read a book, take a walk or talk to your kids about how they think the visit is going. Or you can get away as a family without MIL.
Also, I think a week is too long. 2-3 days.
Anonymous
06/09/2015 21:33
Subject: Help me cope with in laws visit
Going there for 1 week. Small town, not much to do.
Last visit was horrific - I posted about in on Dcum bc I was so upset with how in law behavior had bubbled over to me and I'd been awful with my kids (think - they tell me how bad my kids are, then DH gets in on how bad the kids are and it's my fault and then I shouted at kids for being "bad" when they truly weren't bad at all - just normal kids)
DH is hugely stressed about going - knows I am not enthused, but insisted I come along bc he thinks it's important I come along. Mil hasn't spoken to me in 6 months, unless I pick up the phone when she calls. I have tried to make sure she remains connected to our kids by texting her cute pictures and sending updates (maybe every 3 weeks). Dh talks to her daily.
She has caused major problems in the past and freely uses guilt - "I'm so alone and lonely now that you are so far away. You've forgotten about me. You don't love me." Very manipulative stuff, considering that she has a job she really enjoys that pays well, is still married to her husband, travels 4-5 times a year to exotic locations, and has another child.
So, going in to this, I'm feeling miserable and depressed that I have to use vacation days up for these people, and a little bit angry.
But I need (for myself and my own sanity) to make this week as happy as possible for me and my kids and even DH.
Help me figure out how to approach the week!
Last visit was horrific - I posted about in on Dcum bc I was so upset with how in law behavior had bubbled over to me and I'd been awful with my kids (think - they tell me how bad my kids are, then DH gets in on how bad the kids are and it's my fault and then I shouted at kids for being "bad" when they truly weren't bad at all - just normal kids)
DH is hugely stressed about going - knows I am not enthused, but insisted I come along bc he thinks it's important I come along. Mil hasn't spoken to me in 6 months, unless I pick up the phone when she calls. I have tried to make sure she remains connected to our kids by texting her cute pictures and sending updates (maybe every 3 weeks). Dh talks to her daily.
She has caused major problems in the past and freely uses guilt - "I'm so alone and lonely now that you are so far away. You've forgotten about me. You don't love me." Very manipulative stuff, considering that she has a job she really enjoys that pays well, is still married to her husband, travels 4-5 times a year to exotic locations, and has another child.
So, going in to this, I'm feeling miserable and depressed that I have to use vacation days up for these people, and a little bit angry.
But I need (for myself and my own sanity) to make this week as happy as possible for me and my kids and even DH.
Help me figure out how to approach the week!