Anonymous
Post 06/04/2015 08:25     Subject: Re:Grandparent an unsafe driver
Call DMV and report him. That is what we did and they sent a letter asking my MIL to come to the DMV for a driver's test. She decided to surrender her license instead.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 20:00     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:How many accidents has he had in the last 10 years. Does he get a lot of speeding tickets? Bringing this up may help your case.


One or two maybe? And no, he doesn't get a lot of speeding tickets. He doesn't speed too much, just is very aggressive in terms of tailing people, slamming on the breaks at lights, getting upset when someone in front of him is driving too slow. He also spends far too much time fiddling with the radio or, if he's traveling somewhere and wants to see the scenery, looking out the window instead of at the road.

There are a lot of near misses with him. We stopped riding with him after he almost rear ended someone because he was not paying attention.

This might sound to some people like I'm overreacting, but like I said, none of myself, my sister or our husbands are comfortable with him driving our kids. And we have joked for years with my mom about his terrible driving, but it's really just not funny.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 18:04     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
How many accidents has he had in the last 10 years. Does he get a lot of speeding tickets? Bringing this up may help your case.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 16:02     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi all, I was hoping I could mine the collective wisdom for ways to tell my dad he won't be driving my kids anymore. He's aggressive and doesn't really pay attention. My sister and her husband don't let him drive their daughter either for the same reasons. Up until now, we've just had our own cars or made excuses for why we were driving and not him (when it's just him and my mom, he does ALL the driving). But we have a trip coming up with them where I'll be out of the house working for a few days and my parents will be watching the kids on their own and taking them places. I need to say up front to my dad that he won't be driving. I plan to do this in an email because (1) it will give him time to process it without feeling embarrassed on the phone, and (2) his hearing isn't great, so phone calls generally go horribly with him because he gets so frustrated that he can't hear well.

Before anyone starts in on me for "allowing" him to still drive. He's in his late 60s, not his 80s, and he has no actual impairments that prevent him from driving. No DMV would take away his license. And honestly, if it's just me in the car, I'm not wild about his driving style, but I suck it up. But my sister and I just don't feel comfortable letting him drive our kids.

Anyway, I was going to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry if this hurts his feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with him driving the kids because I feel like he doesn't pay attention enough and he is too aggressive, and I'd like mom to be the driver when they're in the car.

I'm sure this will result in lots of pouting and probably some defensive digs at my own driving skills, because he still thinks I'm 15. But it is what it is.

Any suggestions for softening the blow?


Great, so your kids can avoid him but everyone else's kids in cars on the roads with him can't.


I agree with you, but he's not impaired. I can't just go take his keys. He drives like a jerk. A lot of people drive like jerks. It's sad, but it's a fact. As I said, his aggression generally doesn't rise to the level that he would get his license taken away or anything (though ONCE he got pulled over because of it - which I applaud).


Sorry put my response in your message OP:
No but you can talk to him about it. Over 30,000 people die in car accidents in the US every year. If he's bad enough that you don't want your kids in his car, that should send him a message. Neither he, nor your mother, nor anyone else out there wants to have to live with having killed someone or having lost someone due to that kind of driving.


I hope my talking with him about it does send him a message, but given (as I said) that he's already been pulled over by a police officer and admonished for driving aggressively, it probably won't.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 16:00     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:My dad is not allowed to drive my kids either for the same reasons. However, I don't expect him to babysit my kids. I don't think you are going to successfully navigate this one without your moms buy-in. Its not her job to be your spokes person.

Given that you think he will comply once you tell him, you owe it to him to have an adult conversation and just tell him. Calmly (without anger or accusations) that you need your children to be safe and your dads aggressive driving and lack of attention (provide examples) put them in harms way. Do not bring your sister into the conversation. Explain your new family rules (mom drives but dad doesn't) and any solution you would accept (dad takes calm driving lessons?). Be PREPARED to accept the consequences. You may have to face the fact that your parents cannot be your babysitter.

Also, why do you let him drive you??? What if he got in an accident with you in the car and left your kids without a mom. Sheesh...stand up for yourself already.


Um, I don't expect my mom to be my spokesperson (where did I say that?). And I didn't ask them to be my babysitter. I'm on a trip for work and they wanted to see me and the kids, so they offered to come to the destination and babysit if I'd bring them with me. And I AM trying to have a conversation with him about it. I was asking for help with wording and suggestions to soften the blow, as I said in my original post. I'm not even going to mention my sister, though she's perfectly willing to be part of the conversation. And I'm fully prepared to accept the consequences, one of which might be that he refuses to come. So be it.

Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 15:57     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi all, I was hoping I could mine the collective wisdom for ways to tell my dad he won't be driving my kids anymore. He's aggressive and doesn't really pay attention. My sister and her husband don't let him drive their daughter either for the same reasons. Up until now, we've just had our own cars or made excuses for why we were driving and not him (when it's just him and my mom, he does ALL the driving). But we have a trip coming up with them where I'll be out of the house working for a few days and my parents will be watching the kids on their own and taking them places. I need to say up front to my dad that he won't be driving. I plan to do this in an email because (1) it will give him time to process it without feeling embarrassed on the phone, and (2) his hearing isn't great, so phone calls generally go horribly with him because he gets so frustrated that he can't hear well.

Before anyone starts in on me for "allowing" him to still drive. He's in his late 60s, not his 80s, and he has no actual impairments that prevent him from driving. No DMV would take away his license. And honestly, if it's just me in the car, I'm not wild about his driving style, but I suck it up. But my sister and I just don't feel comfortable letting him drive our kids.

Anyway, I was going to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry if this hurts his feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with him driving the kids because I feel like he doesn't pay attention enough and he is too aggressive, and I'd like mom to be the driver when they're in the car.

I'm sure this will result in lots of pouting and probably some defensive digs at my own driving skills, because he still thinks I'm 15. But it is what it is.

Any suggestions for softening the blow?


Great, so your kids can avoid him but everyone else's kids in cars on the roads with him can't.


I agree with you, but he's not impaired. I can't just go take his keys. He drives like a jerk. A lot of people drive like jerks. It's sad, but it's a fact. As I said, his aggression generally doesn't rise to the level that he would get his license taken away or anything (though ONCE he got pulled over because of it - which I applaud).


Sorry put my response in your message OP:
No but you can talk to him about it. Over 30,000 people die in car accidents in the US every year. If he's bad enough that you don't want your kids in his car, that should send him a message. Neither he, nor your mother, nor anyone else out there wants to have to live with having killed someone or having lost someone due to that kind of driving.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 15:56     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi all, I was hoping I could mine the collective wisdom for ways to tell my dad he won't be driving my kids anymore. He's aggressive and doesn't really pay attention. My sister and her husband don't let him drive their daughter either for the same reasons. Up until now, we've just had our own cars or made excuses for why we were driving and not him (when it's just him and my mom, he does ALL the driving). But we have a trip coming up with them where I'll be out of the house working for a few days and my parents will be watching the kids on their own and taking them places. I need to say up front to my dad that he won't be driving. I plan to do this in an email because (1) it will give him time to process it without feeling embarrassed on the phone, and (2) his hearing isn't great, so phone calls generally go horribly with him because he gets so frustrated that he can't hear well.

Before anyone starts in on me for "allowing" him to still drive. He's in his late 60s, not his 80s, and he has no actual impairments that prevent him from driving. No DMV would take away his license. And honestly, if it's just me in the car, I'm not wild about his driving style, but I suck it up. But my sister and I just don't feel comfortable letting him drive our kids.

Anyway, I was going to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry if this hurts his feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with him driving the kids because I feel like he doesn't pay attention enough and he is too aggressive, and I'd like mom to be the driver when they're in the car.

I'm sure this will result in lots of pouting and probably some defensive digs at my own driving skills, because he still thinks I'm 15. But it is what it is.

Any suggestions for softening the blow?


Great, so your kids can avoid him but everyone else's kids in cars on the roads with him can't.


No but you can talk to him about it. Over 30,000 people die in car accidents in the US every year. If he's bad enough that you don't want your kids in his car, that should send him a message. Neither he, nor your mother, nor anyone else out there wants to have to live with having killed someone or having lost someone due to that kind of driving.

I agree with you, but he's not impaired. I can't just go take his keys. He drives like a jerk. A lot of people drive like jerks. It's sad, but it's a fact. As I said, his aggression generally doesn't rise to the level that he would get his license taken away or anything (though ONCE he got pulled over because of it - which I applaud).
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 15:54     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi all, I was hoping I could mine the collective wisdom for ways to tell my dad he won't be driving my kids anymore. He's aggressive and doesn't really pay attention. My sister and her husband don't let him drive their daughter either for the same reasons. Up until now, we've just had our own cars or made excuses for why we were driving and not him (when it's just him and my mom, he does ALL the driving). But we have a trip coming up with them where I'll be out of the house working for a few days and my parents will be watching the kids on their own and taking them places. I need to say up front to my dad that he won't be driving. I plan to do this in an email because (1) it will give him time to process it without feeling embarrassed on the phone, and (2) his hearing isn't great, so phone calls generally go horribly with him because he gets so frustrated that he can't hear well.

Before anyone starts in on me for "allowing" him to still drive. He's in his late 60s, not his 80s, and he has no actual impairments that prevent him from driving. No DMV would take away his license. And honestly, if it's just me in the car, I'm not wild about his driving style, but I suck it up. But my sister and I just don't feel comfortable letting him drive our kids.

Anyway, I was going to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry if this hurts his feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with him driving the kids because I feel like he doesn't pay attention enough and he is too aggressive, and I'd like mom to be the driver when they're in the car.

I'm sure this will result in lots of pouting and probably some defensive digs at my own driving skills, because he still thinks I'm 15. But it is what it is.

Any suggestions for softening the blow?


Great, so your kids can avoid him but everyone else's kids in cars on the roads with him can't.


I agree with you, but he's not impaired. I can't just go take his keys. He drives like a jerk. A lot of people drive like jerks. It's sad, but it's a fact. As I said, his aggression generally doesn't rise to the level that he would get his license taken away or anything (though ONCE he got pulled over because of it - which I applaud).
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 15:29     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Anonymous wrote:Hi all, I was hoping I could mine the collective wisdom for ways to tell my dad he won't be driving my kids anymore. He's aggressive and doesn't really pay attention. My sister and her husband don't let him drive their daughter either for the same reasons. Up until now, we've just had our own cars or made excuses for why we were driving and not him (when it's just him and my mom, he does ALL the driving). But we have a trip coming up with them where I'll be out of the house working for a few days and my parents will be watching the kids on their own and taking them places. I need to say up front to my dad that he won't be driving. I plan to do this in an email because (1) it will give him time to process it without feeling embarrassed on the phone, and (2) his hearing isn't great, so phone calls generally go horribly with him because he gets so frustrated that he can't hear well.

Before anyone starts in on me for "allowing" him to still drive. He's in his late 60s, not his 80s, and he has no actual impairments that prevent him from driving. No DMV would take away his license. And honestly, if it's just me in the car, I'm not wild about his driving style, but I suck it up. But my sister and I just don't feel comfortable letting him drive our kids.

Anyway, I was going to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry if this hurts his feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with him driving the kids because I feel like he doesn't pay attention enough and he is too aggressive, and I'd like mom to be the driver when they're in the car.

I'm sure this will result in lots of pouting and probably some defensive digs at my own driving skills, because he still thinks I'm 15. But it is what it is.

Any suggestions for softening the blow?


Great, so your kids can avoid him but everyone else's kids in cars on the roads with him can't.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 15:12     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
My dad is not allowed to drive my kids either for the same reasons. However, I don't expect him to babysit my kids. I don't think you are going to successfully navigate this one without your moms buy-in. Its not her job to be your spokes person.

Given that you think he will comply once you tell him, you owe it to him to have an adult conversation and just tell him. Calmly (without anger or accusations) that you need your children to be safe and your dads aggressive driving and lack of attention (provide examples) put them in harms way. Do not bring your sister into the conversation. Explain your new family rules (mom drives but dad doesn't) and any solution you would accept (dad takes calm driving lessons?). Be PREPARED to accept the consequences. You may have to face the fact that your parents cannot be your babysitter.

Also, why do you let him drive you??? What if he got in an accident with you in the car and left your kids without a mom. Sheesh...stand up for yourself already.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 14:49     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
OP here - My sister hasn't had to navigate the situation because she always has her own car when she visits them (she lives closer - we have to fly).

My mom does know and completely agrees that he's a terrible driver and thinks it's funny and laughs about it. I used to laugh about it too. Now that I have kids, I don't think it's so funny. I told her I didn't want him driving them anymore and she said I was "overreacting" and that I'd have to tell him myself because she wasn't doing it (don't blame her for that). I'm not worried she'll let him drive them when I'm not around. She has no problem standing up to my dad. Actually, once I tell my dad, I'm not worried that he'll try to drive them anyway. He'll listen. He'll just be very hurt/offended.

To the PP who questioned my logic. You're completely right. But after having this conversation with him, I doubt I'll be riding with him anyway.

I mind it a lot less when we're in their neighborhood and if he's just driving the two of us to the store or something. If he doesn't know where he's going, he's about 10 times worse (we'll be at a destination on this trip). I've also been speaking up when he's driving aggressively or ask him to please pay attention. But the time for that is over.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 14:39     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Ask your sister how she navigated the situation.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 14:38     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
I suggest questioning your logic. If you let him drive you, you are implying you are fine with his driving. Can your kids survive perfectly well without YOU?
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 14:36     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Out of curiosity, does your mom know and agree with you? Because this makes her the driver and the enforcer when you are away. You might consider how to minimize driving during that time.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2015 14:22     Subject: Grandparent an unsafe driver
Hi all, I was hoping I could mine the collective wisdom for ways to tell my dad he won't be driving my kids anymore. He's aggressive and doesn't really pay attention. My sister and her husband don't let him drive their daughter either for the same reasons. Up until now, we've just had our own cars or made excuses for why we were driving and not him (when it's just him and my mom, he does ALL the driving). But we have a trip coming up with them where I'll be out of the house working for a few days and my parents will be watching the kids on their own and taking them places. I need to say up front to my dad that he won't be driving. I plan to do this in an email because (1) it will give him time to process it without feeling embarrassed on the phone, and (2) his hearing isn't great, so phone calls generally go horribly with him because he gets so frustrated that he can't hear well.

Before anyone starts in on me for "allowing" him to still drive. He's in his late 60s, not his 80s, and he has no actual impairments that prevent him from driving. No DMV would take away his license. And honestly, if it's just me in the car, I'm not wild about his driving style, but I suck it up. But my sister and I just don't feel comfortable letting him drive our kids.

Anyway, I was going to tell him that I love him and I'm sorry if this hurts his feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with him driving the kids because I feel like he doesn't pay attention enough and he is too aggressive, and I'd like mom to be the driver when they're in the car.

I'm sure this will result in lots of pouting and probably some defensive digs at my own driving skills, because he still thinks I'm 15. But it is what it is.

Any suggestions for softening the blow?