Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly that's a bit over the top. She needs to get some perspective and realize that her mom is still here with her. She is not dead. We can lose anyone in our life at any given time, don't obsess that she will die soon. Tell your mom to visit the nursing home and get over it.

Compassion isn't your strong point, is it?

Wow, you sound like a horrible person. You will get old too and will need help someday. This is what you can tell your future self.

Big deference between assisted living and a nursing home. You and your Grandma are going threw the worse possible times. For years I transported hundreds of elderly to nursing homes, even the very best rated ones, and no, there are no good ones. Staff is all non English speaking and most hate there jobs. I don't blame you for having to do it but it's a sad ending for people that have lived a full and happy life.

Many times I felt I was the only one in the nursing home process that gave these people the respect and kindness they deserved. I for one will never be in one, plan and simple.

When my mom moved into assisted living I acted all cheery and helpful around her and my siblings but went home at night and cried for days, you do move on with the new situation and make the best of it. Its a really tough part of life.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly that's a bit over the top. She needs to get some perspective and realize that her mom is still here with her. She is not dead. We can lose anyone in our life at any given time, don't obsess that she will die soon. Tell your mom to visit the nursing home and get over it.

Compassion isn't your strong point, is it?

Yes, it's depressing to put a parent in a nursing home - especially if they have previously said that they would never want that to happen. You can't help but feel guilty, while recognizing that there is probably no viable alternative. Even the best nursing homes are depressing places to visit; many residents sleep all day, and many have some form of dementia. Some residents feel that they are being held prisoner, which in a way, they are. At the same time, your mother may be under significant financial stress paying up to $10,000/month for the nursing home (unless your grandmother qualifies for Medicaid, a grueling process to go through).

By the way, although not the norm, people can last quite a while in a nursing home. My mother spent five years in one. Whether that's good or bad depends on your perspective.

Thanks everyone. Yes it's hard. Mom washed grandmas bedding today and said:" Well she probably will not sleep on this bed again.."
Stuff like that is hard. Its pretty much train to the end now. Makes you think about life and it's ending..

It's your grandmother. Your whole life she's been "older", and you probably realize that many of your friends no longer have their grandparents around. For your mom, this is her mom. She remembers her as the young and vital person who raised her. It's very hard to face the fact that your parent is near the end of his or her life. Your mom is grieving, leave her be.

My FIL had a massive stroke about 5 years ago. For 2 years, MIL tried her best to keep him at home with her. She was a retired nurse, and finally did get some help when it got to be too tough. He was borderline non verbal, has no short term memory, cannot walk unassisted, and is completely incontinent. MIL, tried, until one day we got a call that he pushed her (he did not understand, and sometimes would get combative when he wanted to do differently than she was suggesting). Anyway, MIL broke her hip. DH and I went down, stayed with FIL. When MIL's doctor said she could not even think about caring for him for 4 months while she recovered from surgery, we had to emergently put him in a nursing home. DH returned to be with our kids, and I actually packed him up and brought him there. It was AWFUL. I bawled my eyes out after I left. In the end, MIL decided it was time he needed to be cared for elsewhere. To this day though, she tells me how grateful she was that I was the one who took him, she said she was not sure if she could handle it. It is TOUGH, but she will feel better as she sees it is the right choice.

If she was living with her, it's quite a grieving process and an adjustment to no longer have to do all that help/planning for the day, meal times etc. Also, I hope she is gently cautioned on the 6 month decline period people go through... they stabilize to a new (lower) level of ability and become a little more dependent.

I think my sister went through that when my grandmother died. It was MONTHS before she finally got back out into the job field- her excuse buddy was no longer around.

First pp has it right. Nursing homes are a warehouse to die, and a normal person would feel guilty to put his/her parent there. Second pp is right that in most of circumstances it it unavoidable and where they (elderly) will get the best care. People are living too long.

Honestly that's a bit over the top. She needs to get some perspective and realize that her mom is still here with her. She is not dead. We can lose anyone in our life at any given time, don't obsess that she will die soon. Tell your mom to visit the nursing home and get over it.

It hard for everyone. You always think that you can be the best care giver for your loved ones. But sometimes it's just too much and better care can be provided by a nursing home.

The nursing home is often the signal that the end of life will be soon. This is probably very hard on your mom right now. She's doing what she feels is the best thing for her mom but probably not without a lot of guilt. And she is also at least subconsciously recognizing that her mom will die soon.

Be kind to your mom. Give her what ever type of support she needs.

We put our grandma to nursing home today...Mom is really depressed now and crying all the time.Did anyone experienced anything like this? Is this normal reaction?