We tell stories in our house.

I ask the question "What did you have for lunch today"
I don't get a real answer - I get a story.

Sometimes there is a food fight, sometimes a celebrity chef was there, "tom" passed gas so loud that we got a red cup - but I don't get an answer.

The goal is to talk to your kids, not get an NSA report on their day. Sometimes after/in the fake story you get the facts. Sometimes the truth is bigger than their stories they tell and you ask - was that real and they are like - NO really I'm not making this up!

Talking to your parents should be fun, so make it fun. Let it be story time.

My mom actually did this, or I think my brother started it. In high school he always had an Elvis story about his day. Elvis was a sub, they were forced to sing, Elvis is the new janitor, etc.

I think I told my oldest that story in preschool and we are still telling stories in middle school. The bonus, my youngest is doing great in writing in 3rd grade - he's been listening to story telling his whole life!

Sometimes life is boring and it's nice to be allowed to start with a story. They know the truth. This is just dinner /car conversation.

Anonymous wrote:What works for my teen boys:

Anyone do anything stupid at lunch today?
Are you the only [insert favorite sports team name here] fan among your friends?
Do any of your friends watch [insert favorite tv show here]. What do they think of [plot element]?

These work, in part, because they are not very open ended questions. If you ask a broad question, you are more likely to not get much of a response unless you have a talkative kid.

Anonymous wrote:Great thread although "teen communication" is an oxymoron on many days.

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with "how was your day". I also ask about an upcoming event "is your game at 4:45 tomorrow?" just to gauge their interest in conversation. But I accept that there will be days when they don't want to talk and I'm fine with that (for the most part) and try not to view a silent car ride as a personal affront. If there's something I want to say, I'll say it. Sometimes my daughter will get pissy and say she doesn't want to talk about the subject and I'll say "that's fine, you don't have to talk but I do want to talk and I'd appreciate if you listen".

If there's some BIG issue that needs to be addressed, I don't have a go-to small talk/sequitur. Just find a time and place where you can discuss it and jump in with both feet.

This. I also remind them that the more participation I get from them, the sooner they can go do something else.

Great thread although "teen communication" is an oxymoron on many days.

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with "how was your day". I also ask about an upcoming event "is your game at 4:45 tomorrow?" just to gauge their interest in conversation. But I accept that there will be days when they don't want to talk and I'm fine with that (for the most part) and try not to view a silent car ride as a personal affront. If there's something I want to say, I'll say it. Sometimes my daughter will get pissy and say she doesn't want to talk about the subject and I'll say "that's fine, you don't have to talk but I do want to talk and I'd appreciate if you listen".

If there's some BIG issue that needs to be addressed, I don't have a go-to small talk/sequitur. Just find a time and place where you can discuss it and jump in with both feet.

OP, thanks for starting this thread. You may find this of interest: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-harrington/4-questions-i-ask-my-kid-every-day_b_7340560.html

What works for my teen boys:

Anyone do anything stupid at lunch today?
Are you the only [insert favorite sports team name here] fan among your friends?
Do any of your friends watch [insert favorite tv show here]. What do they think of [plot element]?

Anonymous wrote:Talk in the car.....

This, particularly with boys and sensitive topics. They are captive and don't have to make eye contact.

OP - this may be just my family, but I have found that my kids (both my DD & DS) need some down time right after school. When I bombard them with questions or even suggestions about how to handle things they get overwhelmed and will shut down. It took me some time to realize that the best way to approach them is to let them be quiet and chill in the car on our way home. I expect them to greet me and say hi, of course, but I don't push for information. If they are in the mood to talk and tell me stuff then our conversation happens, but most days they are tired and need to de-compress after a long day of school, friends and activity. When we get home they will grab a snack (depending on the time and when we will eat dinner) and relax for a bit before starting homework. We try to sit down as a family as many nights in the week as we can (doesn't always happen, but we try). My DH and I have found this to be a great time to talk with the kids about "life" and not necessarily as it only pertains to them - current events, vacation talk, funny stories, etc. Often these are lead-ins to talk about things happening with them. I'm also a parent who still comes in and "tucks" my kids to bed - even the high schooler...It's really been a way for me to sit and talk with her and I've found this is the time when she opens up and tells me what is happening, vents about frustrations and wants me to help her process what is happening. My middle school DS is beginning to have the same pattern - nighttime side of the bed talks.

Hope those suggestions help!

OP here. Thanks to all who've posted so far. Very helpful!

We also do what is the best and worst thing that happened today - we do this at dinner to get kids talking about good and hard things. After school both of my kids do homework or if done, screen time or activities and usually like when i'm home but not bothering them

So what were kids talking about at school today? often gets me good intel on her friends. Also: who did you sit with at lunch? What are your plans for this weekend? What are your friends doing? Are any of your friends dating? Do you know people at school who drink/smoke, etc. What was the weirdest thing to happen at your school this week? Of course, I wouldn't ask these all at once but my DD is surprisingly open about talking with me, at least about what others are doing.

Anonymous wrote:I get it. Asking "How was your day, Honey?" is getting me nowhere. Can any BTDT parents out there throw some teen communication advice to me?

Alternatively, run me through what goes down in your household once the kids get home after school. Homework? Screen time? Chores? Time with friends? And what is your role in all this?

I pick a random kid and ask about them. "What's up with Emily these days? Hey, does Claire still like Miles?" It gets her talking about her friends and she likes to tell me all the gossip because she knows I'm a vault and the information won't go anywhere. I'll also ask about a random class. "What are you reading in English? What's it about? Wow, that sounds cool - can I read it when you're finished?" "Is Ms. Lee still teaching about tectonic plates in science or are you guys up to a new topic yet?"

Sometimes DD will show me a school project but say "But don't give me any suggestions," and I've noticed if I follow her "rule" she's more likely to show me more.

When DD comes home from school I leave her to do her thing and if I need her to do something I'll say "You need to empty the kitchen garbage by 6pm in order to keep your iPod touch for the night." Because if I just say "Can you please empty the garbage?" she'll say okay but not do it. I don't care if she unwinds by doing art or Facetiming before homework because her grades stay high regularly.

I have to do a lot of things I have no interest in, in order to stay close with DD. I didn't REALLY want to read Fault in Our Stars, but DD wanted to talk about it, so I did. I didn't REALLY want to use her DIY hair mask but she was so pleased with herself for making it that I did. Also, I try to suss out when DD is telling me about friend issues, if she's just sharing/venting or wants suggestions on how to handle it.

Ask "what would you like to eat"

Talk in the car.....

I get it. Asking "How was your day, Honey?" is getting me nowhere. Can any BTDT parents out there throw some teen communication advice to me?

Alternatively, run me through what goes down in your household once the kids get home after school. Homework? Screen time? Chores? Time with friends? And what is your role in all this?