It helps to use person first language: child WITH special needs, rather than special needs kid or "is special needs." I know what you mean but person first language reminds people that this is a person, with a heart and a mind, just like everybody else, who happens to have different needs than some others. A good way to explain special needs to kids is to just say, we are all different, we all have strengths and areas where we need more help or it takes more time, some kids need more help with X, other kids need more help with Y (could be in math, could be in not being bossy, could be in remembering to raise their hand, could be in being nice to everybody...), and Johnny is getting a little more help with Z right now. Saying anymore is violating privacy. And nothing more needs to be said. Reminding kids that all kids are people who want the same things, to be respected, cared about, and given opportunities to learn and have fun, and that they are all equally entitled to be at school (by law) can help them be more accepting. Also empowering all kids to problem-solve when something is frustrating for them can help them be more comfortable around certain behaviors (say kids getting too close or talking too loud or making sounds) and can actually help them be more inclusive instead of avoidant of kids with special needs. Teachers should be doing this but unfortunately with so much emphasis on test scores they almost completely ignore social-emotional development here and teach very little social-problem solving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

That's not reasonable to place that kind of responsibility on young kids to expect them to friend others and have them feel included. That is the teacher's job. Its great you are advocating for your daughter and if you do it at school it may help many kids but just to expect young kids to do it without guidance and support is unreaslistic.

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

My kid is polite. She is attracted to smart, well behaved, funny kids. If your kid dropped something in front of mine she would pick it up. If yours sat at my kids lunch table she would try to include him. But she would not specifically seek him out to play if he were playing alone.

I'm so sorry to hear what a hard time your son has had OP.

Thank you though for the reminder to be talking to my kid about this since doing the kind thing is of course not what is most natural for anyone. It is harder to make a point of reaching out to the lonely child or even just noticing them which means it is really important to make sure to remind kids about this. I know I have not lately so appreciate your post.

Special needs or not, many kids get treated like that. That is why we kept our child at a small private school as the teachers are very aware of making sure kids are inclusive. Initially my child was treated "differently" getting a bit more help over other kids, sitting next to the teacher, etc. but now they have backed off some and transitioned him to being more independent which has been positive. The only parents who are aware are the ones we talk to/friends with and no one seems to care, especially his best friends families.

I have a son who was ostrasized and bullied in ES. He is on the mild end of the Autism spectrum and never qualifed for an IEP or 504 (think a cross between Leonard and Sheldon on Big Bang).

We ended up transfering him to a different ES in 6th grade. If I had thought of it prior, I would have done it one or two years earlier. What worked for us, and it was/is a very long slow slog was to have him go to an on going weekly social skills group from mid 4th grade to start of 12th grade. At first it was the only place where he could go where kids looked forward to seing himk and he them. He learned some better social skills and matured along the way. Monthly parent group helped me and my DH develop better skills as parents and gave us ideas to look beyond school for his social things. Playing an instrument is a great way to particpate in a social group. DC was in scouts and when he moved from cub scouts to Boy Scouts we switched troops and found a more inclusive group. Our Congregation has been the best for him, he has really clicked with the youth group and goes on quarterly weekend events for youth in the mid-atlantic region. There are many inclusive Congregations for all religious stripes. Putting DC in several groups where he had to be social was important, picking those that were inclusive was vital. He is now a senior and will graduate next year and will go to school in the mid-west.

Small steps, small goals add up over time. ES and MS were the worst, HS has been much better.

Good luck to you. It is hard.

I am really sorry your son is going through this, OP.

My son is fine with kids with special needs. I don't know if it's inherent, or the fact his older brother has autism and is very low functioning. He actually treats them equally, which can be both good and bad. If a child with special needs has more behavioral issues (one kid in his 1st grade class with sensory issues liked to hit others), he will get mad at him. And since that kid hit more than others may have, my son was mad at him more often. Same with a kid in daycare who had Down Syndrome. My son played with him just as much as other kids, but if the child got more physical, it would make my son back off. So there are still challenges there.

I do stress to my son to be inclusive, and search out kids who may need someone to play with. I don't know if he does this all the time, but I've seen him do it on playgrounds when I'm sitting there watching. Learning more advanced empathy and social skills is a process, and that can take awhile.

Making special needs children feel included is a reflection of our humanity.

+100

Teacher here. I have had a variety of students in a variety of settings throughout my career (including SN students). I often want to honestly tell students why another student behaves a certain way or has certain needs, but I am bound by confidentiality rules. I do think things will improve as your child gets older. The other day a more observant, mature student asked me why we have so few students in our classroom. I was alone in the room with the student at the time and I basically told him that we have students with emotional concerns and that we all need to take more time with those students. I did not give names, but I think he knows which students need more attention. He was amazingly understanding and I was glad I could talk to him in a one on one situation. I think parents are in a unique position to discuss these things with their children. Thank you for this post OP.

Do you have iep

OP, I feel for you and your son--it sounds like he has gotten some very unfair and cruel treatment.

I will note one small thing: kids don't always realize when other kids have special needs, or what they mean. In early elementary, my son was wondering why one boy got "special treatment" in class--different chair, a rewards chart that other kids didn't have, less stringent discipline (in his eyes). I fully appreciate that it would be inappropriate to announce "Johnny's" diagnosis and tell the kids why he has additional supports at school. But what then are the other kids supposed to think when they see "special treatment" of Johnny? Once my son brought it up, I could have a conversation with him, but what should I tell him other than that Johnny must have different needs and that I am sure that the teacher is doing what was best for Johnny?

I'm so sorry OP. I have a neurotypical kid, but have a couple friends with children who are special needs. I am really trying to raise my child's awareness of difference, and to be considerate and inclusive towards all. It is hard sometimes though, especially when they are younger. My son does make attempts to engage and play with his SN friend, but has sometimes been treated in ways that have really hurt his feelings or he doesn't understand. We talk about it, but unfortunately after trying a few times he decides the person isn't nice and avoids them. I'm hoping that as he gets older I'll be able to explain more and he'll continue to make efforts. My heart goes out to you and your son!

Oh OP, I can't offer any comments as DD is not yet 2, just sympathy. This is helping me realize that I need to teach DD kindness and patience. Thank you for the reminder. Things will get better for you DS. He's in a tough age group now. best wishes.

Does he/she try to get to know them? When he/she sees them eating alone at lunch, having no one to talk to at recess, do they shrug their shoulders and ignore or do they try to include them in a game or play? Do they speak kindly to them in group activities?

My child is special needs and after years of watching how he has been treated in schools by peers and teachers, I have come to realize that parents and teachers are not doing enough to show the value of special needs children. My child has been shoved in the hallways, is the only person at recess to not have anyone to play with, and is bullied by exclusion even in the classroom. Children will talk over his voice to discourage him from speaking in class. Children will ask other children to not speak to him. When my child tries to speak to other children, they pretend as if they don't hear.

He has sensory issues and likes to smell nice things. He once took his scented lip balm and rubbed it across his own sheet of paper so he would have something to smell throughout class. His AAP teacher came over to his desk, confiscated the lip balm as well as the paper and then kept him after class for 30 minutes to interrogate him about his unusual behavior. He was not permitted to go to kiss and ride and I was left wondering where my child is. My child suffers from ADHD and sensory issues.

Teachers have, unbeknownst to us, reduced his work load and changed his curriculum in certain subjects to help him get through material quickly so they can simply pass him rather than suggesting additional supports be placed within his existing IEP. His education this year would have been compromised had we not learned about this and quickly jumped in to ask for additional supports in his IEP.

At the age of 9, after enduring these assaults and insults every day in school, my child told me he wished he had never been born.

I am writing this in the general parenting forum to ask parents to speak to their children about how to treat special needs children. No matter what the special needs are, whether they are unmotivated or seemingly lazy in class, no matter if they have a tic, no matter if they make weird noises in class, no matter if they appear unintelligent, please ask your children to go out of their way to be kind and patient with them.

Making special needs children feel included is a reflection of our humanity.