My colleagues know, because I've been pregnant a few times in the past two years and was out of the office for the various surgeries associated with losing those pregnancies. Now my boss and a few coworkers know I'm pursuing ivf. It's a small and supportive environent with all women.

I told the people that I could lean on when things were sucky. Don't tell people that you wouldn't call at 2am crying. Not that you will call people at 2am crying. But that was my standard. If I don't feel safe enough to call you upset at 2am, then I'm not close enough to you to tell you all the emotional crap I'm going through.

I was lucky that everyone I'm close to has gone through some form of ART. But I did have to tell one co-worker since it was just the 2 of us in the office and the absences were noticeable. I learned how to 'teach' him about what to say or not say. For instance, I just told him "please don't ask if we were successful or not. I will tell you if I'm pregnant. If I don't say anything thing, it means I wasn't." Or, "Please don't suggest adoption. We've explored adoption and it's not the right decision for us."

We told just about everyone, or rather we didn't make any attempt to dodge the subject, once we moved to donor egg. We knew it would come out at some point because we don't intend to hide the fact from our daughter, who we are expecting this summer. We also needed to use a gestation surrogate, so people would have noticed the lack of pregnancy. I guess it may have been easier because in our circle of friends infertility issues are not unusual, people either went through it or know a couple who has.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the 20:56 poster who just poster. I want to add- it may take longer than you or anyone thinks (5 years for me) and there may be more failures than you think. It's hard to confront all your friends and fam with repeat loss and stories of woe. Not to be a downer.

Just to piggy back on this-- you might think it will be cathartic to tell people in the beginning of the process, but as the process drags on, as it does for many, it can be painful to know that they know about your issues, but perhaps are not asking you about it, or perhaps are asking you about it in an insensitive way. In the beginning I thought it would be cathartic to tell people, but then as the months and years passed, it became more and more painful to be the one that was "still without kids" and people knew why-- as opposed to people just thinking you'd rather live fancy and free and travel and be young. I was at the point where I would have prefered that people think I didn't want kids than to know that each day, each birth announcement, each shower was a dagger in my chest. Eventually my extended family started to keep pregnancy announcements from me in an attempt to be sensitive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to people (close family and friends) that know you wanted kids and wonder when you'll have them? Do you just say you're not ready yet? Do they eventually stop asking?

People can be so rude! Luckily no one in our families has asked (although I can guarantee they wonder why we don't have kids). When friends ask we either say something like "working on it" or answer back with a smart remark then change the subject.

Tell them you hate kids. Jk
Maybe try something like "in due time" or some equally non committal answer. I wish I'd asked this question before telling my sister in law (to ally unsupportive) or some of my relatives.

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to people (close family and friends) that know you wanted kids and wonder when you'll have them? Do you just say you're not ready yet? Do they eventually stop asking?

People can be so rude! Luckily no one in our families has asked (although I can guarantee they wonder why we don't have kids). When friends ask we either say something like "working on it" or answer back with a smart remark then change the subject.

I'm the 20:56 poster who just poster. I want to add- it may take longer than you or anyone thinks (5 years for me) and there may be more failures than you think. It's hard to confront all your friends and fam with repeat loss and stories of woe. Not to be a downer.

I shared with family and some friends and regretted it. (Not my parents so much). I definitely ended up feeling like I shared with too many ( really just a few friends, sister, brother, etc) because I really didn't find the support I was looking for. They didn't understand.

In my opinion, forums and support groups are the way to go. People going through the same thing provide great perspective and great comfort. If I could do it again I'd only tell my mom. It's been difficult for me to have people ask mt throughout the years "how that's going".

How do you respond to people (close family and friends) that know you wanted kids and wonder when you'll have them? Do you just say you're not ready yet? Do they eventually stop asking?

I shared, but regretted it because of the handful of insensitive a-holes who were all, "Why don't you foster adopt? So many unwanted children in the world, you know." This is always said by someone who has done absolutely nothing for the poor unwanted foster children themselves.

I moved to a new city and new job, and am not telling a soul about my embies in the freezer or my gestational carrier search.

I stick to online forums. Resolve's forums are quite useful. No one in our families/friends has had any fertility issues that we know of, so we felt better keeping it to ourselves.

Anonymous wrote:2.5 years in and only my parents know.

And no I don't regret it for the reasons you stated. It's hard not to have much support but the dissapointment I know my parents feel is reason enough not to tell anyone else. Friends just don't know what to say, I tried to tell my BFF from college.

2.5 years in and only my parents know.

I found groups online to be a very good outlet. And a good place to obsess over details that my friends IRL just wouldn't understand.

I'm a few months in and haven't told anyone yet....we're dealing with male issues which I understand can be particularly embarrassing to my husband. I thought we could power through, it'd work, and we'd be on our way. But we're not and its getting harder. I go back and forth though because I'm not sure I want to bring people (my mom, my bff) into it and then have to announce every failure to them. Share regularly that no we're STILL not pregnant. I wish I could tell them so I could talk it through with someone other than my husband and then have them forget so we didn't have to have the ongoing "yep, failed again" convos.

What have you all done? Any regrets?