Explain to your husband that if he does not stop this he will cause irreparable damage to an already fragile relationship. This will not end well. It sounds like your DH has a problem telling mommy no but he has no problem telling you no.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband, like many, will not stand up to his mother. Since it's your life that will be affected (your nanny may well quit, if your MIL has her way), you need to take care of it. Sit her down and tell her that it's not a good idea.

This. PPs have said you can't control it. That's true. But your MIL shouldn't make all these plans if she had a completely different idea of what the summer will be like. You have to tell her nicely what the summer will be like if they come.

I feel for you, OP, but isn't this an issue between you and your husband - and one that neither of you gets to dictate, but rather one that you have to find common ground?

Anonymous wrote:So why haven't you turned down the help before? Does DH see it as help?

I have turned down the help and routinely ask them not to cook. However, cooking does provide routine interference for the nanny so I allow it during the week. What else would they do all day? They aren't big on playing with the kids outside of reading books to them and listening to music. They would never engage our kids in imaginary play (like restaurant/dress-up/dolls) or take them to the park. An outing for them is taking the kids to the grocery store. DH does see it as help since he hates walking the dog and his mom packs a lunch for him.

Anonymous wrote:I am very concerned my husband will back down.

FWIW, we don't need the help. As I mentioned before, we have the world's best nanny. Our household is pretty calm/organized despite having three little kids.

When in-laws are here, they cook everyone three meals a day and walk the dog. However, I love cooking/meal planning. I just go along with their cooking so my kids enjoy homestyle ethnic foods. They make these elaborate meals and leave me to clean up the kitchen. I'll spend 1-2 hours cleaning a night so I'm not really getting a break during their visit.

This could be a great money making and money saving opportunity, OP. Take them up on their offer to cook and babysit. Hire a maid to clean the kitchen and let the nanny go. Give them every task you normally give the nanny plus a maid. Don't reimburse them for food. Just tire them out and maybe they'll back down and move back. Oh, and talk down to them like they are "the help". Write a screenplay about it and sell it to a Hollywood studio. I would pay to see a movie like that!

Your husband, like many, will not stand up to his mother. Since it's your life that will be affected (your nanny may well quit, if your MIL has her way), you need to take care of it. Sit her down and tell her that it's not a good idea.

So why haven't you turned down the help before? Does DH see it as help?

I am very concerned my husband will back down.

FWIW, we don't need the help. As I mentioned before, we have the world's best nanny. Our household is pretty calm/organized despite having three little kids.

When in-laws are here, they cook everyone three meals a day and walk the dog. However, I love cooking/meal planning. I just go along with their cooking so my kids enjoy homestyle ethnic foods. They make these elaborate meals and leave me to clean up the kitchen. I'll spend 1-2 hours cleaning a night so I'm not really getting a break during their visit.

Anonymous wrote:You can't actually stop her from moving closer to you, so I would given up the idea of controlling something you can't control. My first step would be to sit down with your husband and have a frank talk about what you will and will not accommodate this summer (e.g., if/when your stepfather passes away, you'll be inviting your mother for a long visit and you won't be available to entertain his mother; his mother can't come over during the workday because it's too disruptive). Then put it on him to put together a plan for how the summer will work and to communicate that to his mother. If she still comes, hold your boundaries firm and let your husband deal with the fall-out.

This is good advice. Its really the only thing you can do. My concern would be that your husband would say "yes" now, but back down when it actually happens. As in, you come home from the store and see them sitting there waiting for dinner and your husband mad at you that you are not happy for unexpected dinner guests.

Also, if you have a nanny, I'm confused what kind of help they will be offering (or think they are offering?) Weekend babysitters? Homework help?

The in-laws will move where they want to move. I don't think you have a say in that. If you have specific issues with how the in-laws conduct themselves with your family, that is a different situation.

You can't actually stop her from moving closer to you, so I would given up the idea of controlling something you can't control. My first step would be to sit down with your husband and have a frank talk about what you will and will not accommodate this summer (e.g., if/when your stepfather passes away, you'll be inviting your mother for a long visit and you won't be available to entertain his mother; his mother can't come over during the workday because it's too disruptive). Then put it on him to put together a plan for how the summer will work and to communicate that to his mother. If she still comes, hold your boundaries firm and let your husband deal with the fall-out.

So, I thought he'll "take care of it" meant that he was going to tell them not to move here. We've had this discussion in the past about intentionally not living near family and were on the same page. I specifically spelled out my opposition last night and he didn't support my concerns. He believes if we give them boundaries, they will follow them. I, on the other hand, believe that we should just tell them no instead of giving them boundaries that would be insulting--one week night and one meal per weekend is all that I'm comfortable with. I would rather revisit in the future than give those boundaries (maybe I'm wrong).

I think you should let your MIL read your post then see what happens.

It's not wrong to tell her. Give your DH one last warning with a crystal-clear deadline: tell them by the end of the weekend that they cannot move here, or I will tell them myself.

What does your DH mean when he says he'll "take care of it"? Maybe he doesn't fully understand your position?

My in-laws retired from the U.S. back to their home country in Asia. We typically see MIL twice a year and FIL once a year. We moved cross country last summer with 3 small children (5, 3 and 1) and have needed a little extra assistance. My mother is usually a hands-on grandma even from long distances but has spent this past year taking of my stepfather with stage 4 cancer. Thus, my MIL has been to visit us three times in one year for about 3-4 weeks each time. I appreciate her visits but can barely get through them. MIL is very pushy with her religion and passive aggressive. I work at home with the two youngest kids/nanny. We have the world's best nanny and I've seen the ways my in-laws treat "the help." I really think my MIL anticipates becoming the "nanny" and will sabotage the situation.

DH typically just ignores his parents when they are being unreasonable. He has a long history of dealing with his controlling mother and spent most of his adult life trying to get away from her. So, I can't believe he is even supporting this.

MIL is currently visiting us. Two days before she gets here, I see a text on DH's phone that says his parents want to rent an apartment near us to help this summer. I ask DH if he's going to take care of this and he says yes. Fast forward a week later, I ask MIL if she wants to go to lunch. She tells me she can't because she has an appointment to look at an apartment. I promptly text DH and he says he will take care of it. So, last night I brought it up. To my sheer horror, he thinks it's a great idea and that we could use the help. Their visits are extremely stressful for me. Again, I work from home and am the one who has to constantly deal with them and run interference for the nanny. His parents won't drive anywhere and we don't live in an area of town with their culture. They would be over ALL THE TIME.

Is it wrong if I just say something to MIL myself? Something like "I really appreciate your generous offer but we have a lot going on this summer. My mother is going to need a lot of support and I expect her to come for a long visit when my stepfather passes away. Plus, we are still getting used to our new jobs and city. Let's revisit this next summer when we are little more settled."

I know it's his parents and he should deal with them. I just need to shut this down before my MIL rents an apartment. Advice please...