My family is full of takers. I do not put them ahead of my own family and only give when I am moved to. We are better off than the rest of my family and are more generous but my family began to expect and not appreciate our generosity and so I stopped.

Your Dad was trying to buy their love. Or he wanted to take care of them and not you. You might want to try to figure out what triggered this.

Good luck.

The original question is "could you" and I hope that the answer is "no" for most of us.

Anonymous wrote:NP here; haven't read all replies, but I agree with PPs that your anger is displaced on "the takers." Your heading should be "Why did my dad neglect his immediate family to give expensive presents to others?" not focusing on the relatives who took the gifts. Because look: you were IN the inner circle of the family, and you don't get why he did it, so why are you assuming everyone on the outside realized that you all were being neglected vs. that was your (mom's) choice?

Now, on to your dad. I suspect this: Money is power, and your dad, by giving his brother things, (or other family members) solidifies his alpha status in the pack of his sibs and their offspring.

My FIL is a nice guy and generous with everyone but his two children. He (and MIL) has a vacation home in another country, and bought his longtime maid there a house in a gated community. He's extremely proud to tell us this, and also constantly tells us how proud he is to have paid her daughter's way through college (because of the exchange rate, it's easy to do). (And no, DCUM, there's no affair-type situation going on). He has many people he "helps out."

It's that he derives status from this, public status and uses it as currency to show he's a big cheese and a generous man. Would be nice if some of that generosity came our way but it never does--probably because he doesn't see it will buy him anything as his sons already love and respect him.

It's like this, OP. Look at many private schools, and side of the building says "Larla Smith Gymnasium" or "Larlo Jones Library." The school benefits from their generosity, but Larla and Larlo benefit publicly in a huge way--I suspect they might not be so generous if their gifts were anonymous.

So IMO that's what your dad was doing.

yup

NP here; haven't read all replies, but I agree with PPs that your anger is displaced on "the takers." Your heading should be "Why did my dad neglect his immediate family to give expensive presents to others?" not focusing on the relatives who took the gifts. Because look: you were IN the inner circle of the family, and you don't get why he did it, so why are you assuming everyone on the outside realized that you all were being neglected vs. that was your (mom's) choice?

Now, on to your dad. I suspect this: Money is power, and your dad, by giving his brother things, (or other family members) solidifies his alpha status in the pack of his sibs and their offspring.

My FIL is a nice guy and generous with everyone but his two children. He (and MIL) has a vacation home in another country, and bought his longtime maid there a house in a gated community. He's extremely proud to tell us this, and also constantly tells us how proud he is to have paid her daughter's way through college (because of the exchange rate, it's easy to do). (And no, DCUM, there's no affair-type situation going on). He has many people he "helps out."

It's that he derives status from this, public status and uses it as currency to show he's a big cheese and a generous man. Would be nice if some of that generosity came our way but it never does--probably because he doesn't see it will buy him anything as his sons already love and respect him.

It's like this, OP. Look at many private schools, and side of the building says "Larla Smith Gymnasium" or "Larlo Jones Library." The school benefits from their generosity, but Larla and Larlo benefit publicly in a huge way--I suspect they might not be so generous if their gifts were anonymous.

So IMO that's what your dad was doing.

there might have been stuff going on you didn't know about. Maybe your dad abused his brother as a kid, and was dealing with feelings of guilt. Or it could have been a million things. In any case, it was a flaw in your dad. (To you, anyway. Generosity is generally a good thing.) It was him, and that is what you got. Don't let it spoil any more of your life.

No, I wouldnt, and I understand your feelings but you need to let it go -- as PP said, you only have control of your present and future and what you've lived and learned gave you the wisdom to live your life differently than your parents.
That's all you can do moving forward, because focusing on what was lost will only cause you pain.

Anonymous wrote:Are your parents still married?

Do not blame anyone but your parents. Your dad gave away money and your mo stayed married to him instead of fighting for her family. Why should your cousins or aunts/uncles hold this blame?

I agree with this.

My parents have had low/moderate incomes most of their lives. There were a few years where my dad's business did really great and they had $$$. Shocking how they gave away so much, and threw away so much on crap and vacations and expensive renovations... then when it came time to pay for my sister's college, suddenly it wasn't there. Oh well, that's Americans I guess. Also, when they got divorced, my mom gave most of her money away to a "friend." Although I'd be pretty pissed if I actually had to meet this "friend" I don't feel as bad about the money my dad gave to his brothers, some of whom were legitimately in a tough place financially. I certainly don't resent my uncles and cousins.

I'm long out of the house and none of this impacted me but I am angry on my sister's behalf. It doesn't impact me, but it's hard to forget.

Are your parents still married?

Do not blame anyone but your parents. Your dad gave away money and your mo stayed married to him instead of fighting for her family. Why should your cousins or aunts/uncles hold this blame?

Anonymous wrote:Say your brother makes 10 times what you do, but he has 9 kids, and you have two. His wife stays at home, and takes care of the kids.
If he offered you $35K to buy a new car, but you suspected he really did not take care of his immediate family's needs, would you take the money?
This scenario played out in my family. Once my father offered his brother money for a new car while my mother drove around in a beat up 25 year old car with no radio and no a/c. We lived a spartan life and never had the thinks my uncles kids had. My father was very generous to others, but we almost literally starved. No one seemed to notice. They must have assumed that we liked old cars and clothes, second hand furniture, and home cooked basic meals.
Worse yet, it really hurt my mother that my father took care of the needs of others before ours.
Why did they not notice that we paid a huge price for his charity? They took anything he offered.
I am not sure why this is bothering me so much now. Years later I am still angry. Father is demented, mother is distant and bitter.
Yes, my father was an inconsiderate so and so, but I can't stop asking myself why all the taking.

What I am going to recommend won't change the past but if you get it, absorb it's message and apply it to your life it can make a huge difference.

"Finding Freedom in Forgiveness"

Great book!

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the problem is that the relatives who were the takers are all arounds. Cousins, aunts, uncles. So tempted to let them know that we saw them as takers. I know that one day, I will say it. My siblings want to do the same.
Yes, I need to move on, but to some degree, that means moving away.

So what do you want them to do? What sort of resolution would make you feel better? That might help you answer the question.

OP here, the problem is that the relatives who were the takers are all arounds. Cousins, aunts, uncles. So tempted to let them know that we saw them as takers. I know that one day, I will say it. My siblings want to do the same.
Yes, I need to move on, but to some degree, that means moving away.

How long has this been? Do you still live with your parents? Is your mother still dealing with this?



It's time to move forward and make your own life, not let yourself be a victim of others' failings.

I've seen people like you describe, and they really suck. But you aren't going to change them, nor can you change the past. But your present and future don't need to be defined by it. Time for you to take control.

Anonymous wrote:Therapy, OP. Therapy.

+1. Even if we validate your feelings you still have to deal with them.

Therapy, OP. Therapy.

Say your brother makes 10 times what you do, but he has 9 kids, and you have two. His wife stays at home, and takes care of the kids.
If he offered you $35K to buy a new car, but you suspected he really did not take care of his immediate family's needs, would you take the money?
This scenario played out in my family. Once my father offered his brother money for a new car while my mother drove around in a beat up 25 year old car with no radio and no a/c. We lived a spartan life and never had the thinks my uncles kids had. My father was very generous to others, but we almost literally starved. No one seemed to notice. They must have assumed that we liked old cars and clothes, second hand furniture, and home cooked basic meals.
Worse yet, it really hurt my mother that my father took care of the needs of others before ours.
Why did they not notice that we paid a huge price for his charity? They took anything he offered.
I am not sure why this is bothering me so much now. Years later I am still angry. Father is demented, mother is distant and bitter.
Yes, my father was an inconsiderate so and so, but I can't stop asking myself why all the taking.