OP here.

Thank you all for your helpful replies.

Honestly I don't think she is 100% mentally capable. This is a gray area - yes, her choices are hers, but she has many symptoms that fit ADHD, and it is also quite likely that she is depressed.

The divorce was her idea and I think she expected something much rosier. She might be having an especially hard time, since my dad's life is going ok and he got together with a wonderful lady. She seems frustrated and is making one bad decision after another.

There is a chance I may be able to work with my brother in getting something set up. We need to be able to protect what she has left and maybe get her set up somewhere. But that would require openness on her part, but she's fearful of being judged.

Or is this probably a lost cause?

Oh man. Sorry OP and PPs. So thankful my mom has this ONE area of her life together. And I agree with PPs, OP have you truly been firm other her about this? Don't let this impact your marriage.

*** a couple thousand

I am almost in your exact same situation, OP. I also warned my mom not to make any major decisions until I had things sorted. I gave her a couple to help ends meet for a few months. She went out and bought $5k in furniture for her studio apartment. She got the rest of the money from her paltry savings. Meanwhile my husband and I have a mattress on the floor because we are being frugal until I am working again. Unbelievable!

Now when she comes over whining about not getting enough hours at work to cover her bills I ignore her.

She could qualify for senior low-income housing- the cutoff age is 55.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so happy you posted and I checked DCUMs so that I can give you very valuable advice akin to advice I got years ago.

Her problems are not your problems. She is an adult. Physically capable. She has no life threatening or crippling health issues. Therefore, you have permission to "detach with love." Read about "detachment" and codependency. Buy Beattie's Daily Meditation book - here it is. http://www.amazon.com/The-Language-Letting-Meditations-Codependents/dp/0894866370. It will make you feel so much better about not taking on your mother's problems. And this is not "mean" or "wrong." And if you take her in, you take in allll of her problems. And if you are not working, she won't want to either.

Hugs to you and good luck detaching!

I wrote the post just below yours...when done I then saw yours...excellent and heartfelt advice as well as a great book recommendation.

I understand your concern and frustration but she is an adult and unless she has some mental incapacity it is her responsibility. It's not an easy task to practice tough love and not enable. A first step however in both those areas is to set a plan, be explicit in your communication and firm in your resolve.

Now, writing that did come from some knowledge and experience and it was easy to relate/type...I wish it were just that easy for you.

OP, I am so happy you posted and I checked DCUMs so that I can give you very valuable advice akin to advice I got years ago.

Her problems are not your problems. She is an adult. Physically capable. She has no life threatening or crippling health issues. Therefore, you have permission to "detach with love." Read about "detachment" and codependency. Buy Beattie's Daily Meditation book - here it is. http://www.amazon.com/The-Language-Letting-Meditations-Codependents/dp/0894866370. It will make you feel so much better about not taking on your mother's problems. And this is not "mean" or "wrong." And if you take her in, you take in allll of her problems. And if you are not working, she won't want to either.

Hugs to you and good luck detaching!

People do often have mothers move in with them. Why do you think they invented "in-law suites"? I'm not saying she should assume she can just move in with you, but she should also not just be expected to assume that you would obviously reject such an idea. You need to talk about it.

59 = 39 possible more years of supporting her.

Answer= NO.

I would not own her problem. It sounds like she's already dry of money and its happening whether she lives with you or not.

You can't control her. Only your reaction to her.

Help her find low income housing or senior housing, though she might be a bit young for it.

Don't be vague. Did you really day "maybe you shouldn't live with us"? It sounds like she's made up her mind. Next conversation, be FIRM and say NO loud and clear. You can't let her rely on you. Please don't feel guilty about this. You and DH have to make the decision that's right for your nuclear family first.

Ugh. So sorry, OP. What do you think will happen if you confront her with the truth?

My parents divorced a few years ago. In that time, my mom has squandered and/or given away most of the money she had. She has very few assets. She is 59 and has almost nothing saved for retirement. She has also had some performance problems at work in the last few years.

A couple of months ago, when I mentioned that DH and I might be purchasing a home this summer, we talked about the possibility of her coming to stay during her summer (her work has summers off) since we would have an extra bedroom if we bought a larger house. She could use it as a chance to look for a job around here, since she is tired of her job and cold winters where she lives. I did make it clear that she should absolutely NOT QUIT HER JOB until a buyer has closed on her condo, which she agreed to.

DH and I decided not to move to the exurbs, which leaves us with slim pickings and whether we buy or rent our home will be very small. I am not working right now. I'm looking, but I also told my mom that maybe it isn't a good idea to come if I am not working. We can't support her. She does have a small pension that she will be receiving.

She is preparing to put her condo on the market, which is fine and good; she could not really afford it anyway and needed to make some serious changes to her budget.
She has called me a few times in the last couple of weeks, during work hours, from her house. Today, a third party confirmed my guy feeling that she is no longer at her job.

I am extremely upset that she was not forthcoming about this, nor has she been forthcoming about her finances. I DO NOT want her moving in under these circumstances, but the alternative will probably have her moving in with her shyster brother who will suck her completely dry of money.

I have no idea what to do.