I should clarify that I would be ok with my child searching for her birth family just not searching with a film crew in tow.

My child is internationally adopted. No way would I ever want her to do this.

If you want to find your birth family, you can search without tv cameras. I would also consider that your birth family might not want to be exposed on TV.

It's a personal matter and if your sister doesn't want to be involved, let it go.

If the broadcast company is so wonderful, they will just give you all the info they can without needing to film.

I like the "on hold" approach. And also keep in mind your sister is probably the most important person in the world to you. Take care of that relationship first, over the unknown of your birth parents. Good luck OP, I hoe you find them one day.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think your biological parent(s) want to have contact with you? I gave a child up for adoption (conceived in brutal rape) and she found me. I never wanted anything to do with her and was not bashful about telling her I was forced to carry her, give birth and I owed her nothing. Stop messing with other people's lives and be grateful for what you have. Adoptees like you make me furious.

OP here. I am very sorry for what is the obviously an extremely difficult thing for you. I've seen you post before and hope you find peace. Having said that, you are not my birth parent and I am not your birth child. You have no idea what information I hold about my birth family or why I was placed or whether they indicated they wanted future contact; i do.

I wish you peace.

The same understanding and respect you would give to your birth parents if they chose to remain private is the same understanding and respect you need to give your sister with wanting to search privately outside of the documentary.

Your sister is not taking away your option to find your birth parents she is eliminating this avenue as being that option. It is still possible.

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to give away too many details, so please bear with me.

The short story is that my sister and I were adopted internationally. We have a chance to publicize our search for our birth family through one of our homeland's national broadcasting companies, as we've been approached by said company to make a documentary. I know other adoptees for whom this strategy has worked and the benefits of participating are well known.

The problem is that my sister refuses to participate as she doesn't want to search in such a public manner (also has job-related concerns because she works in national security) and she's a very private person in general. The broadcasting company won't make the documentary without her since the whole point is that it's compelling because we're twins. Neither side will budge and I feel my chances of finding my birth parents slipping away (I've been searching for years and searching is pretty difficult there).

This chance is one of the things I want most in life and I can't change anyone's mind. How can I make peace in letting this go?

What I put in bold is not a minor thing for your sister.

Now, in answer to your question about how to make peace...how about not letting it go but see it as putting in on hold for now?

Why do you think your biological parent(s) want to have contact with you? I gave a child up for adoption (conceived in brutal rape) and she found me. I never wanted anything to do with her and was not bashful about telling her I was forced to carry her, give birth and I owed her nothing. Stop messing with other people's lives and be grateful for what you have. Adoptees like you make me furious.

you do not want to do this on TV.
I work in TV, it is not what you think it is, and not what you think it will turn out to be. Their goal is to make TV, not whatever your best interest is. They may be decent people, but your goals are not the same. Not the route you want to go.

OP here. I'm very active in the adoptee community and know all about the variety of search outcomes. I'm fully prepared for a negative outcome and im fact, believe strongly that birth parents have a right to privacy, so while I can't say I wouldn't be disappointed if my birth parents don't want to meet, I would fully understand and respect that. I also had to go through some counseling from my adoption agency when I first started as a requirement to searching. I'm extremely happy with my life here so there's no underlying unhappiness on my part.

My motivation for doing it publicly is that it's good publicity, basically vs. searching privately. The people in my homeland eat these adoption documentaries up and they're widely watched and discussed. The broadcasting company has a lot of resources, clout, and connections available, which a PI would not. I've been searching on my own for almost 9 years and it has led to very limited info. Almost as soon as I met people from the broadcasting company, more concrete info was available.

I should make it clear that my sister IS interested in searching, just not in this particular manner. She's shared costs with me when we basically did hire a PI as well as other costs associated with privately searching. What is frustrating to me is that a tv station is begging us to participate, when most adoptees I know would give a lot for this opportunity, but that my sister is a barrier to being able to take advantage of this. And that's what I have to let go of.

I am really sorry you are going through this. It must be very painful to want to know your roots and have the opportunity slipping away because of someone else. If you have the money, a private investigator might be a good option, if you vet them carefully (in order to minimize the likelihood of being scammed). Perhaps attending counseling with your sister so that you can both get to the bottom of your opposing desires. Perhaps she is afraid to face the past. Perhaps you are not happy where you are, so you hope the past will give you more than you have. Often, motives run deeper than just the overt issues being discussed.

What is your motivation for doing the search publicly versus doing it on your own/hiring a PI or something like a PP mentioned?

Also, consider your motivations in finding your birth parents. I'm not adopted so can't speak with authority, but I have seen many stories with happy endings where the families reconnect, but also sad endings where the birth parents reject their child. If you search for them on your own (or with your twin in a non-public manner) then be prepared for anything to happen.

Can you hire a PI in your birth country? Would Twin split the cost of that? Maybe she'd be open to exploring that since it wouldn't be public.

You can't control your sister. Think about what is in your control. Also, what are the possible outcomes? Think them all through because it could end up to not be what you had hoped for.

That sounds so difficult. I sincerely hope it works out one way or the other for you.

I don't want to give away too many details, so please bear with me.

The short story is that my sister and I were adopted internationally. We have a chance to publicize our search for our birth family through one of our homeland's national broadcasting companies, as we've been approached by said company to make a documentary. I know other adoptees for whom this strategy has worked and the benefits of participating are well known.

The problem is that my sister refuses to participate as she doesn't want to search in such a public manner (also has job-related concerns because she works in national security) and she's a very private person in general. The broadcasting company won't make the documentary without her since the whole point is that it's compelling because we're twins. Neither side will budge and I feel my chances of finding my birth parents slipping away (I've been searching for years and searching is pretty difficult there).

This chance is one of the things I want most in life and I can't change anyone's mind. How can I make peace in letting this go?