Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm on the grandparents' side for this (minus the candy).

I also wonder why you arranged this two week stay knowing that there would be this issue.

Very helpful. Thank you. Amazingly, I think there is value in my kids spending time with their grandparents aside form problematic feeding. Hard to imagine why that might be.

Oh, to answer your question, I would have one conversation with them about it. Keep calm, don't engage if they get excited. Everyone deserves at least one explanation! They should get one. They will probably think you're nuts (like I do) but at least you won't have anything to reproach yourself with since you'll have done your best.

Sorry, I'm on the grandparents' side for this (minus the candy).

I also wonder why you arranged this two week stay knowing that there would be this issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not write an email and I probably wouldn't bring it up if you've already had that discussion. They know your beliefs on this matter.

I don't know your parents but if they're like most grandparents they will spoil their grandchildren and that means they'll probably be more flexible with the meals once they are the ones in charge. I would call after the first day the kids stay there and ask about meal time. If at that point they are being rigid and forcing them to eat all the beets in the plate then at that point I would express my beliefs again. If they show themselves to be inflexible and your children are having a difficult time during meals then I would pick up the kids early.

My MIL and I have butted head about these kind of things, but over time we've both become more flexible about what the kids eat whether they are at her place or at home.

Yeah, that's the problem. They combine the worst of all worlds. Force feed the beets and offer candy and dessert constantly. But also, I think the problem is I have never tried to explain my beliefs to them. They really do not understand. I have just always assumed they would not understand no matter what I said, and have tried to protect myself by not bothering. But now I'm questioning whether I need to take that risk, for my kids' sake.

Then I would have that discussion. Basically say, mom, we don't force the children to eat everything on their plates as long as they try everything once. We also don't eat candy every day.
Don't force it, but do make your values heard. The kids will be ok for two weeks of beets and candy
I am a bit concerned that you are so afraid of your parents' judgement.

See: last time we tried to have this discussion our relationship nearly ended.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not write an email and I probably wouldn't bring it up if you've already had that discussion. They know your beliefs on this matter.

I don't know your parents but if they're like most grandparents they will spoil their grandchildren and that means they'll probably be more flexible with the meals once they are the ones in charge. I would call after the first day the kids stay there and ask about meal time. If at that point they are being rigid and forcing them to eat all the beets in the plate then at that point I would express my beliefs again. If they show themselves to be inflexible and your children are having a difficult time during meals then I would pick up the kids early.

My MIL and I have butted head about these kind of things, but over time we've both become more flexible about what the kids eat whether they are at her place or at home.

Yeah, that's the problem. They combine the worst of all worlds. Force feed the beets and offer candy and dessert constantly. But also, I think the problem is I have never tried to explain my beliefs to them. They really do not understand. I have just always assumed they would not understand no matter what I said, and have tried to protect myself by not bothering. But now I'm questioning whether I need to take that risk, for my kids' sake.

Then I would have that discussion. Basically say, mom, we don't force the children to eat everything on their plates as long as they try everything once. We also don't eat candy every day.
Don't force it, but do make your values heard. The kids will be ok for two weeks of beets and candy
I am a bit concerned that you are so afraid of your parents' judgement.

I would not write it in an email. Better to have a conversation. I wouldn't worry too much about your kids being there for a short time. They will be fine.

Anonymous wrote:Grandma has a point.

Said the ignorant ass.

Anonymous wrote:As a mostly reformed picky eater, I would honestly question sending the kids if your parents are going to be a-holes about it. Not making special foods is one thing, but if they're likely to pull the "sit at the table until you eat everything on your plate" thing, or the "bring out the same plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it's eaten" thing, I'd hesitate to put my kids through that.

I don't think they take it that far, as grandparents. Seems like they mostly go the bribery route. So maybe it's not that bad, for just two weeks ...

Anonymous wrote:I would not write an email and I probably wouldn't bring it up if you've already had that discussion. They know your beliefs on this matter.

I don't know your parents but if they're like most grandparents they will spoil their grandchildren and that means they'll probably be more flexible with the meals once they are the ones in charge. I would call after the first day the kids stay there and ask about meal time. If at that point they are being rigid and forcing them to eat all the beets in the plate then at that point I would express my beliefs again. If they show themselves to be inflexible and your children are having a difficult time during meals then I would pick up the kids early.

My MIL and I have butted head about these kind of things, but over time we've both become more flexible about what the kids eat whether they are at her place or at home.

Yeah, that's the problem. They combine the worst of all worlds. Force feed the beets and offer candy and dessert constantly. But also, I think the problem is I have never tried to explain my beliefs to them. They really do not understand. I have just always assumed they would not understand no matter what I said, and have tried to protect myself by not bothering. But now I'm questioning whether I need to take that risk, for my kids' sake.

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world are you sending them there for two weeks if you're terrified to talk to your parents about your kids eating habits? Sounds like it's going to be miserable for you kids.

Great opportunity for kids (they will get to spend a week at the beach on each coast) and DH and I will be taking care of a cross-country move in the meantime.

I would not write an email and I probably wouldn't bring it up if you've already had that discussion. They know your beliefs on this matter.

I don't know your parents but if they're like most grandparents they will spoil their grandchildren and that means they'll probably be more flexible with the meals once they are the ones in charge. I would call after the first day the kids stay there and ask about meal time. If at that point they are being rigid and forcing them to eat all the beets in the plate then at that point I would express my beliefs again. If they show themselves to be inflexible and your children are having a difficult time during meals then I would pick up the kids early.

My MIL and I have butted head about these kind of things, but over time we've both become more flexible about what the kids eat whether they are at her place or at home.

As a mostly reformed picky eater, I would honestly question sending the kids if your parents are going to be a-holes about it. Not making special foods is one thing, but if they're likely to pull the "sit at the table until you eat everything on your plate" thing, or the "bring out the same plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it's eaten" thing, I'd hesitate to put my kids through that.

Why in the world are you sending them there for two weeks if you're terrified to talk to your parents about your kids eating habits? Sounds like it's going to be miserable for you kids.

Grandma has a point.

3yo and 7yo DCs will be spending 2 weeks with my parents this summer, without DH and me. About a year ago my mom and I had an epic fight that nearly ended our relationship and began when she told me I was letting my kids parent themselves when it came to food.

I follow Ellyn Sattyr's Division of Responsibility in feeding, which teaches that raising your kids to have a good relationship with food and eating is more important than whether they eat their brussels sprouts tonight. It's well supported by research (as well as my experience applying it for 2 years now with picky DCs) but is hard for the clean-your-plate generation, i.e. my parents, to understand. And I will admit I have not even tried to explain it to them, because I view them (for good reason) as incapable of accepting that what they did as parents might not be the best or only way.

I am not interested in debating the merits of DOR. My question is this: Do I raise this topic of feeding before sending my kids off to spend two weeks with my parents? 7yo DC has already asked me to tell grandma he does not have to eat beets. I am frankly terrified of raising this with them. I am inclined to write a long email explaining how I feed my kids and asking that they try to respect that. Putting it in writing has benefits--conflict avoidance being first and foremost, but also I can convey a lot of information without interruptions from my bulldozer of a mother. But I can already hear her ridiculing me to my siblings, that I wrote her this long email about catering to my children's picky eating.

WWYD?