I didn't have to read a book to recognize my mother's malignancy. She is easily the meanest, most selfish and untrustworthy person I have ever met in my life…next to my father. What's worse than one narcissist? Two. My childhood experiences are movie-worthy, but I don't care to share them with others. I have just put it--and my parents--behind me.

Anonymous wrote:Labeling is an excuse. Like it somehow explains the reasoning behind the behavior therefore it was this that and the other when in fact that person was really just a cold hateful pos.

My opinion only.

Same thing I see very often with the bi polar description.

Yet at the same time, people with bipolar/npd/bpd/etc often say this, or call people "armchair doctors," to take the heat off them - and dismiss the legitimate behavior characterizations about them. It's another tick in the tendency to manipulate box.

I have a sibling that has behaviors that may fall into one of the above diagnoses, or maybe they're a complete POS. But I've reached a point where I just don't care what you want to call it, except not something I'm willing to put up with any longer. Done. Just completely done, not willing to negotiate with the volatility. It's been so much better for me. Sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do to protect yourself, even if that means boxing and (possibly) mis-labeling someone's behavior (that's still really shitty no matter what you label it) to help you move forward.

Anonymous wrote:Labeling is an excuse. Like it somehow explains the reasoning behind the behavior therefore it was this that and the other when in fact that person was really just a cold hateful pos.

My opinion only.

Same thing I see very often with the bi polar description.

I'm 14:00. I sort of agree. I don't know if my mother was a narcissist or (what seems to fit more) had borderline personality disorder, but she was mean to me, so I'm not sure it matters what the label is.

Labeling is an excuse. Like it somehow explains the reasoning behind the behavior therefore it was this that and the other when in fact that person was really just a cold hateful pos.

My opinion only.

Same thing I see very often with the bi polar description.

Anonymous wrote:
I own the book also. It's devestating to realize you will never have the mother you want: caring, loving, kind, and concerned with your well-being. For too long, as with any abusive dynamic, I truly felt as though I was fatally flawed, and if only I were thinner/prettier/more successful/more interesting my mother would finally love me the way I'd always wanted and needed to be loved. Of course, no day like this came. If I was down on my luck, my mother would se to take some sort of perverse pleasure in that and/ or pile on. If I was riding high, my mother would make subtle commments to disparage me and my situation, or somehow compare herself (favorably) to me.

It took a long time to reaalize this unhealthy dynamic - she's my mom, and this is how I was raised, so for me it was normal to be constantly criticized, belittled, demeaned, or otherwise ignored. Having a daughter of my own is what it took for me to see how truly deranged she was and is.

I no longer have any sort of contact or relationship with her.

I'm sorry, OP. Good luck on your journey.

I knew I shouldn't have opened this thread. I'm tearing up at this. The bold is exactly my experience. I try not to think about it, but, for example, my daughter and I spent Easter at a friend's house. Seeing my friend with her mother and their perfectly normal interactions made me feel a little sorry for myself all over again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think "Narcissist" (along with Borderline Personality Disorder) is an overused term used by many amateur psychologists to justify their dislike (an avoidance) of a particular individual...

I'm not familiar with the checklist that your referring to though. I would need a link.

Yes, internet doctoring.

So what? If someone's behavior hurts you, what is wrong with trying to find a name for how it's doing so, especially if it helps you draw better boundaries?

It is bad only in the sense that you are labeling a person (possibly unjustly) with a mental illness thereby absolving yourself of any responsibility for the bad relationship between the two of you. Of course, sometimes the label applies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think "Narcissist" (along with Borderline Personality Disorder) is an overused term used by many amateur psychologists to justify their dislike (an avoidance) of a particular individual...

I'm not familiar with the checklist that your referring to though. I would need a link.

Count yourself lucky that this is not something you've had to deal with. For those of us with narcissistic mothers, life has been a nightmare, and your dismissiveness is downright rude.

Well if you assumed the prevalence of narcissism on DCUM posts alone you would probably come to the conclusion that a HIGH percentage of mothers and especially MILs and SILs are narcissistic, In reality, that number is much lower. So, yes, I do think that the term is overused - does not mean that you are misusing it. I don't know you or your mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think "Narcissist" (along with Borderline Personality Disorder) is an overused term used by many amateur psychologists to justify their dislike (an avoidance) of a particular individual...

I'm not familiar with the checklist that your referring to though. I would need a link.

Yes, internet doctoring.

So what? If someone's behavior hurts you, what is wrong with trying to find a name for how it's doing so, especially if it helps you draw better boundaries?

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think "Narcissist" (along with Borderline Personality Disorder) is an overused term used by many amateur psychologists to justify their dislike (an avoidance) of a particular individual...

I'm not familiar with the checklist that your referring to though. I would need a link.

Count yourself lucky that this is not something you've had to deal with. For those of us with narcissistic mothers, life has been a nightmare, and your dismissiveness is downright rude.

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this term come up a lot here and always dismissed it as not my mother. I read an article with a checklist someone posted about signs your mother is a narcissistic mother and she checked off so many I stopped reading. I finally started reading the book 'Will I ever be good enough?' by Karyl McBride and it is alarming how much of it is dead on.

I just started reading this so I am not very far in. Curious for others who have read this or recognized this in their mother, how did it impact things for you? How is your relationship with your mother now?
How is your relationship with yourself now?

I feel like I have spent my whole life walking around feeling like I was the only one and suddenly my eyes have opened and I found out I am not.

I own the book also. It's devestating to realize you will never have the mother you want: caring, loving, kind, and concerned with your well-being. For too long, as with any abusive dynamic, I truly felt as though I was fatally flawed, and if only I were thinner/prettier/more successful/more interesting my mother would finally love me the way I'd always wanted and needed to be loved. Of course, no day like this came. If I was down on my luck, my mother would se to take some sort of perverse pleasure in that and/ or pile on. If I was riding high, my mother would make subtle commments to disparage me and my situation, or somehow compare herself (favorably) to me.

It took a long time to reaalize this unhealthy dynamic - she's my mom, and this is how I was raised, so for me it was normal to be constantly criticized, belittled, demeaned, or otherwise ignored. Having a daughter of my own is what it took for me to see how truly deranged she was and is.

I no longer have any sort of contact or relationship with her.

I'm sorry, OP. Good luck on your journey.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think "Narcissist" (along with Borderline Personality Disorder) is an overused term used by many amateur psychologists to justify their dislike (an avoidance) of a particular individual...

I'm not familiar with the checklist that your referring to though. I would need a link.

Yes, internet doctoring.

DH's mother is a narcissist. He cut her off shortly after our wedding with my support. That was 4 years ago and he's been very happy. She's never met our kids.

Cutting off doesn't erase the damage, but it does stop the bleeding and allow you to start healing.

Personally, I think "Narcissist" (along with Borderline Personality Disorder) is an overused term used by many amateur psychologists to justify their dislike (an avoidance) of a particular individual...

I'm not familiar with the checklist that your referring to though. I would need a link.

I haven't talked to my mother since last April. I'm much more mentally healthy without her in my life. It really saddens me, and I have had to mourn the relationship I thought we would have when I became an adult. As a child I was always told she would be my friend when I grew up. I envisioned talking on the phone with her late at night, going clothing shopping together, going for walks while my children ran ahead of us, cooking in the kitchen together. None of that happened, or can happen. The mourning process is very long.

I have heard this term come up a lot here and always dismissed it as not my mother. I read an article with a checklist someone posted about signs your mother is a narcissistic mother and she checked off so many I stopped reading. I finally started reading the book 'Will I ever be good enough?' by Karyl McBride and it is alarming how much of it is dead on.

I just started reading this so I am not very far in. Curious for others who have read this or recognized this in their mother, how did it impact things for you? How is your relationship with your mother now?
How is your relationship with yourself now?

I feel like I have spent my whole life walking around feeling like I was the only one and suddenly my eyes have opened and I found out I am not.