This is a great question. My MIL and FIL are generally pretty good people, although some serous co-dependent issues that I won't dig into here have left it difficult to have a relationship with them.

The FIL is old-school, borderline narcissist, chauvinistic 60s "man about town" and, when the sh-- that comes out of his mouth comes, I tend to laugh it off. I mean, it's hilarious some of this stuff you guys. "Women should or shouldn't" "did you see the tatas on her?!" Like I said, he's a nice enough guy, loved by my DH, a product of his environment, did his best, but some of his attitudes - wow. And, I laugh it off. In a way I doubt I would with ANY other man. Why do I do that? Why do I just shrug and let it go? I mean, if my own father said that crap it's be a vicious argument, but this guy is just sort of likable in his idiocy or some other dynamic is going on?

DH is 95% great guy, involved father, but don't think I can't trace some of that 5% back to this guy, yet -- I've let it all go for some reason. Hmm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How come 99% of the complaints are about MILs? What is it about FILs that it seems that rarely do they cause problems? (other than being dead earlier). Is there more wisdom in FILs that MILs need to listen to? My own FIL is rarely a problem, whereas MIL seems to cause major problems every other week!

A related philosophical question: do nice FILs marry crazy MILs, or do nice FILs marry nice MILs and the latter somehoe go crazy over time?

I'm pretty sure they start of crazy and transfer it to their wives

My FIL is a complete asshole - obnoxious, overbearing, jealous, irrational egoistical dictator. My MIL is actually nice but very timid.

I think if my FIL was like the majority of FILs (ie - noninterfering), my MIL could have had a chance to be a real pill.

However, since my FIL takes the cake in being overbearing, she is like a saint compared to him.

Anonymous wrote:How come 99% of the complaints are about MILs? What is it about FILs that it seems that rarely do they cause problems? (other than being dead earlier). Is there more wisdom in FILs that MILs need to listen to? My own FIL is rarely a problem, whereas MIL seems to cause major problems every other week!

A related philosophical question: do nice FILs marry crazy MILs, or do nice FILs marry nice MILs and the latter somehoe go crazy over time?

Women are traditionally expected to manage the household and the family's social life.

Mine is much worse. I've posted about it before. Terrible houseguest, selfish, unhelpful, etc. MIL tries her best to make up for it.

My MIL and mother are both the planners. They make the travel plans, they make the holiday plans, etc. So the dads are just going along with it.
And, in the case of my mother, she creates things to get mad and fight about.

I've pretty much just written mine off so he doesn't bother me much.

All of the above. Men are less likely to take stuff personally - if they do, you will never know it.

In my case I believe that since MIL has spent her whole life defining herself through her family members and her position in the family she makes it her world and is overly enmeshed in the lives and happenings of everyone in the family.

FIL worked and had a life and interests outside of the family. He isn't as invested in the details of it all.

Anonymous wrote:Because women manage the social lives of their families. A FIL isn't going to be upset over who's invited to a baby shower, or who he spends Easter with. A mil will care.

This. Men, especially older men, aren't involved in the management of social relationships and the attendant minutiae like women are. They might be really judgmental, but they are less likely to express it. And women may be more likely to feel like they are being "replaced" by their DIL or in some kind of competition with her.

Bitches be crazy. It's an age-old saga of two women trying to split the loyalties of one man. So dumb...

Because women manage the social lives of their families. A FIL isn't going to be upset over who's invited to a baby shower, or who he spends Easter with. A mil will care.

My FIL causes way more havoc. (Exception to the rule.. I know)

Totally Playing Stereotypes here... so take it with a grain of salt. Generally speaking, FIL (or men) tend to be more quiet, less judgmental, less involved. They are stereotypically the ones to step back, not remember every little thing, not be bothered by every little thing, etc. They don't do the shopping so they don't know if little Larla is wearing the sweater they gave her for Christmas last year. And they are much less competitive... they don't feel threatened by your relationship with their son.

How come 99% of the complaints are about MILs? What is it about FILs that it seems that rarely do they cause problems? (other than being dead earlier). Is there more wisdom in FILs that MILs need to listen to? My own FIL is rarely a problem, whereas MIL seems to cause major problems every other week!