There is sort of a similar discussion on this thread. Also a link to another thread there too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/439441.page

Anonymous wrote:Wife of an alcoholic (20 years in recovery).

Sweetie, you desperately need Alanon.

Alanon taught me that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That goes for the drinking. But it also goes for behavior too.

You are still trying to control and fix this man. You are waiting for him to do this and that and this other thing for you. It's not going to happen. You cannot control him. You cannot cure him.

If you are not getting what you want out of this relationship, you open up your mouth and say so and you work on yourself. And you can leave. Waiting for him to "think about what I might need to stay in this relationship" is sheer lunacy.

Ditto

Anonymous wrote:Wife of an alcoholic (20 years in recovery).

Sweetie, you desperately need Alanon.

Alanon taught me that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That goes for the drinking. But it also goes for behavior too.

You are still trying to control and fix this man. You are waiting for him to do this and that and this other thing for you. It's not going to happen. You cannot control him. You cannot cure him.

If you are not getting what you want out of this relationship, you open up your mouth and say so and you work on yourself. And you can leave. Waiting for him to "think about what I might need to stay in this relationship" is sheer lunacy.

Not in Alanon, but another wife of a recovering alcoholic here (8 years now). This is exactly right. You cannot control him. Fix yourself. Are you in therapy? Therapy helped me immensely.

Wife of an alcoholic (20 years in recovery).

Sweetie, you desperately need Alanon.

Alanon taught me that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That goes for the drinking. But it also goes for behavior too.

You are still trying to control and fix this man. You are waiting for him to do this and that and this other thing for you. It's not going to happen. You cannot control him. You cannot cure him.

If you are not getting what you want out of this relationship, you open up your mouth and say so and you work on yourself. And you can leave. Waiting for him to "think about what I might need to stay in this relationship" is sheer lunacy.

Is he in AA? If yes, does he have a sponsor? If you've met the sponsor, does the sponsor seem to have a decent family life? Does your husband go to at least 3 meetings a week? And reference meeting with his sponsor to work the steps? Bc if he is in AA and not drinking, but not doing these things I've mentioned, then he's not really "in" AA, and the only thing that will change about him is his breath.

I'm not familiar with the non-AA treatment approaches. Whatever he does, it should be about a lot more than just not-drinking.

And if you go to some Al-Anon meetings, you'll find some you like, and some people who have already gotten through the changes you're hoping for.

Good luck, and reach out for tools and support.

Signed, recovering alcoholic, married to same.

How long did it take for them to be able to look beyond theselves and try to repair their relationships? After some very rough patches, DH has been in recovery for close to 2 years but still doesn't seem ready to think about what I might need to stay in this relationship ( in terms of both understanding what he's learned so I can have some faith he wont relapse the next time the going gets tough, and regaining the intimacy that was lost while he was drinking). I am wondering how patient I should be or whether this is just an indication of his selfish personality and I should give up on him as the partner I want.