Marriage and kids have been really good for me. What they added is subtle but pretty comprehensive and, I think they've added a lot of depth to my life. When I got married, I don't think I anticipated that's how it would work -- or maybe I knew, intellectually, that's what people say happen. But I didn't appreciate it on a visceral level.

Looking back on it, if I'd skipped the wife and kids, I imagine I'd have spent most of that extra time drinking and masturbating. I like both of those things - but they don't particularly develop you as a person. If you're more of a self-starter with deeper interests, then maybe marriage isn't as necessary.

So it sounds as if children is the sticking point. You don't mind the wife, but you do mind the kid hassle.

I can't imagine that any man or woman would regret the children they have begotten. Of course kids make you get out of your selfish mode, of course they're a ton of work. But... they're also a joy. As babies they have cute giggles and coos. As little kids they trust you and look up to you and say they love you and that you're the best in the world. Then they hate you. Then, if you've done your job right, they come back and ask for professional advice, ask for parenting advice, and say thank you for raising me right. And you get grandchildren if you're lucky, who you can spoil rotten like you never did with your kids.

If that doesn't appeal to you, I suggest you make it quite clear to your partner. So many threads on DCUM dealing with frustrated women who somehow thought their boyfriend who didn't want kids would change his mind...

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

So, really, it sounds like you just don't want kids. And while that will shrink your dating/marriage pool, there are lots of women who don't want kids. Maybe try a childfree Meetup group.

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

Op we don't know you and we don't know what the future will bring so your last question is impossible to answer. However, as a female who married at 40 to a 46 year old who was also a first timer (and now still happily married 12 years and two kids later): yes I think you will be missing something if you never marry. Done correctly, marriage makes you a better version of yourself, whether or not you have kids.

The thing about having kids is that there is a no return policy. You get what you. Your life will change. Maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll hate it. No one knows how you'll feel.

When my oldest was born I went through a period of mourning for my old life. The flexibility to only take care of me. To eat cereal for dinner. To come home after work and fall asleep on the couch. 8 yrs later I can't imagine my life without my kids.

My best friends mom left one day and never came home. BFF was 6. So obviously parenthood is not for everyone and not everyone has the epiphany about how wonderful kids are.

This is not something you can half ass. But you already know that. You can't compromise on having kids. Either your in or your not.

That's the thing, I don't want to just date. Like most people, I see myself in a long-term monogamous relationship that is fulfilling.

Unfortunately most women in my date range (+/-10 years) either have kids or want them. So sometimes it feels isolated and like I might lose out on a potentially solid partner just because of this.

I can give or take on the question of marriage although I see no point of legalizing a relationship if there are no plans for bringing kids into the world.

However, is it wise or fair to compromise on something so serious as having kids? Regrets further on, or will I suddenly have an epiphany once they arrive?


OP

Anonymous wrote:Would love to hear from those who have been there and done that:

1. If you were a mid 30s guy, solid education and good career prospects, and don't really NEED marriage and kids to feel fulfilled, would you?

2. Are there many other guys out there like me?

3. Will I hit 40 or 50 and suddenly feel a void that it's too late to fill?

4. Is it FAIR to put myself up for this if I am NOT FEELING it, and would it be FAIR to a potential partner?

I can understand the sexes might be split on this, but I am so bewildered by all the negativity and stress juggling sex, marriage, kids and career, why bother given all the risks and potential drama involved?

Honest responses welcomed.


Signed by a heterosexual OP who recently 'dodged a bullet.'

I've known a few exactly like this. One guy hit his early 40s, and then went on a tear looking for a woman to marry and have kids with. He scared some women away with his talk of marriage/kids on their first date.

Live only for yourself, Op.

Just be up from.

Curious though. Do you have other close, emotionally intimate relationships?

Sounds like you're still bitter from your recent breakup. That's totally normal. You're probably not ready for marriage right now, if ever. And that's fine too.

The cons? After a certain age, a never married guy becomes less desirable than his divorced counterparts. Not having kids is one thing. A man of a certain age is perceived as noncommittal is a turnoff to most women.

But if you truly don't want a family, so what?

Don't get married and have kids. If you are happy now, it is likely to mess everything up.

Anonymous wrote:For some people, marriage and kids is not their cup of tea and that's ok. But like PP said, you just need to honest and upfront with anyone you date. And if you date exclusively for a while, you may have to offer reminders occasionally.

+1

For some people, marriage and kids is not their cup of tea and that's ok. But like PP said, you just need to honest and upfront with anyone you date. And if you date exclusively for a while, you may have to offer reminders occasionally.

No problem. Just tell everyone you want to date up front.

Would love to hear from those who have been there and done that:

1. If you were a mid 30s guy, solid education and good career prospects, and don't really NEED marriage and kids to feel fulfilled, would you?

2. Are there many other guys out there like me?

3. Will I hit 40 or 50 and suddenly feel a void that it's too late to fill?

4. Is it FAIR to put myself up for this if I am NOT FEELING it, and would it be FAIR to a potential partner?

I can understand the sexes might be split on this, but I am so bewildered by all the negativity and stress juggling sex, marriage, kids and career, why bother given all the risks and potential drama involved?

Honest responses welcomed.


Signed by a heterosexual OP who recently 'dodged a bullet.'