sorry you are going thru this. i've been thru the same. we stayed together. i will say it's very difficult to truly forget. i find myself nitpicking and wondering at times if he's really where he says he is, etc. it takes a long time to truly move past. maybe you never will.

I'm usually the first to say cut and run but I'm not so sure it's that simple in this case. To clarify - once you lived in the same city, got engaged and then married (or did this happen while you were engaged?) he has been faithful?

ouch.

stay on birth control for now. please.

don't be surprised to discover that you may have not gotten the full truth and more things may come to light

think about the fact that he was not only lying to you, but to another woman, during this period.

I've dated someone like this--almost married. he acted the same way upon the first discoveries: incredible shame, remorse, wanted to see a counselor, etc. 6 months later, he was at it again (think Anthony Weiner)--it was a mental illness/addiction.

This is not to say how thigns will necessarily end, but it does not speak well of a 40 something man.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. He maintains that once we relocated to live in the same city (end of our engagement) he ceased everything. I of course am not 100% certain he is being honest.

That's a good sign, IMO (assuming he his being honest).

I think that he may not have truly bought-in to the relationship as the Real Deal until you were with him. That doesn't excuse him from seeing other women when you thought he was exclusive, but I'm on the side of taking him back if this is the case.

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this.
I can tell you what my mom has said on this.
My mother was cheated on by my father she ended up taking him back, but I have heard her advise other women before agreeing to stay to be sure the man is truly willing to change and not just telling you what you want to hear to keep his good thing going. Counseling is a must, and possibly a separation period. Not a separation free for all, but one where work is done by both parties. 1 women she advised chose to stay 2 chose to leave.

Again I'm sorry and wish you the best.

The time of discovery is the most traumatic. Please allow yourself 60 days or up to oe year if you can before you make any decisions.

I highly recommend Linda MacDonald "how to help your partner heal from your affair: a compact manual" to help your guy NOT to do things that will make it worse.

Expect to be on a roller coaster of emotions. Expect to grieve.

You'll be better prepared for decisions in time. You can't decide what's best in this kind of turmoil. So decide not to decide.

I'm so sorry. Your guy made stupid stupid stupid choices.

Hmmm. On the one hand, I would think since all this happened when you were long distance and not since you were in the same city or married, it's possibly forgivable. On the other hand, if this is an ingrained personality flaw, better to divorce now when it would be relatively simple than down the line when lives are really intertwined and things could get messier. Hard decision.

I am very sorry you're going through this shock and hurt, OP. I have been there.

Anonymous wrote:

We slept apart last night and I imagine will continue to for some time. I asked him to connect with anyone he needed to out of the old email account and then shut it down permanently. I told him to delete any phone numbers from his cell that he might need to delete. I told him if he wanted any fraction of a chance at rebuilding any trust with me, that he needed to think about providing me with unfettered access to his email and texts at any time at my request. I am in the process of making arrangements for marriage counseling, and for individual counseling for each of us.

I think you were wise to ask him to do some of these things. However, I'd caution you against the "unfettered access to his email and texts". Rebuilding trust in your relationship will require that you learn to trust him again. Yes, he has to prove himself worthy of that trust, but requiring him to allow you access to everything puts you both in an unhealthy position/sets up an unhealthy dynamic. You are not his parent, and (believe me) you don't want to start operating like one. His behavior is not your responsibility to control, it's his responsibility, and he needs to control it because he chooses to and not because you are watching over him to keep him on the straight and narrow. Truly - I have been through this, and I can tell you it was not a recipe for success in my relationship.

Also - I'd suggest that perhaps you arrange the individual therapist for yourself, but have him arrange for the marriage counselor and his own individual therapist. This was his behavior, and it's his responsibility to take action to address this situation, improve this relationship and rebuild trust. Let him take that responsibility, don't take it on for him. You're not doing either of you any favors by doing it yourself.

I say all of the above with compassion and empathy, truly, because (again) I've been there and know so well how it feels. The shock and horror and feeling like your life is crashing down, and the need to DO SOMETHING. I am so sorry you're going through this.

So sorry, OP.

Hang in there

I am so sorry. It is hard to find out that someone you thought you could trust has been untruthful with you.

However, don't make any permanent decisions in these first few days. You are still processing and not going to make clear and rational choices. Set up the counseling and give yourself a set period of time (maybe six months) to let the process work. You will ultimately be more at peace with whatever decision you make than you would be if you do something in haste. Even if you leave, by then it will feel like your choice and something that you had control over.

Yes. He maintains that once we relocated to live in the same city (end of our engagement) he ceased everything. I of course am not 100% certain he is being honest.

So, the flings stopped after you guys were together (not long-distance)?

You sound like a very decent and sensible person. I'm sort you are going through this. Trust your gut and RUN fast.

I am in desperate need of some support and advice. In the past 24 hours, I found out that my new DH has been unfaithful to me, engaging in a physical/emotional fling with one woman and online flirtations with others before we were married. I am in shock, that lucid, unfeeling state where you can't exactly feel emotion. I have no idea whether I should stay or go.

DH (mid-40s) and I (mid-30s) have been together for 4 years. We were long distance for the first 3 years, during our dating phase and our engagement, and have been living together in the same city for the past year. We were married a short time ago and have been trying to have a baby. We've had a very happy, special relationship, and what I thought a very open, honest union.

I found out because the other woman contacted me to tell me that he had had an emotional and physical affair with her, an old flame, while we were long distance. He had portrayed himself as single, and ended things with her last year, telling her he needed to move on. They had not been in touch since. She did some online searching to see what he was up to and discovered he was married. She then was able to locate me, likely using social media, and sent me an admittedly very sincere message with the details and a number of photos that immediately cast no shadow of a doubt that she was being truthful. She had no idea I existed, wants nothing to do with him, and her motivation seems just to inform me of what had happened. From screen shots she sent, I saw that he had communicated with her through an old email address. I logged on to that account and saw more messages between them that further corroborated the story. I also found old flirty messages to a few women, all appear to be old flames or people he has know for a long time, from before we were married that one does not send when committed to someone else.

Last night, I sat down with DH, told him what I had discovered, and the entire story came out. He says he has no words for what he has done, and is remorseful and deeply ashamed. He says that he had maintained flirtations with people while we dated because early days in our relationship we were not exclusive as we tried to sort out if we could make things work despite long distance (which is true), and that after we decided to be together and make a go of it, he just continued the bachelor life and flirtations on the side. He said he has no idea why he did, he felt fulfilled in our relationship, even though it was tough living apart. He said when we relocated to live together in a new city it marked a different life for him. He wanted to leave everything in the past and focus on starting our life together. He swears he loves me more than anything and when he took our marriage vows he meant them. He says he is ashamed of what he has done and wants to leave it in the past and focus on righting the wrong with me and saving our marriage. He said he has been faithful since we married and will continue to be. He asked if I would go to couples therapy. I suggested we each could benefit from individual therapy as well. He agreed.

My instinct, which I shared with him calmly, is to cut and run. Get a quick divorce, divide assets, part ways and never have contact again. While I am obviously devastated, I am a very cut and dry person. It would be the hardest thing in the world to do, but I could make a clean break if I needed to. At the same time, the humiliation and fear of telling family and friends and starting over is overwhelming. And underlying everything of course is that he is my husband and I love him.

We slept apart last night and I imagine will continue to for some time. I asked him to connect with anyone he needed to out of the old email account and then shut it down permanently. I told him to delete any phone numbers from his cell that he might need to delete. I told him if he wanted any fraction of a chance at rebuilding any trust with me, that he needed to think about providing me with unfettered access to his email and texts at any time at my request. I am in the process of making arrangements for marriage counseling, and for individual counseling for each of us. Everything is too new and raw to process at this time and make any decisions about our future, but I am absolutely heartbroken. I truly feel like I don't know this person at all and that everything I thought I knew and trusted was a sham. If I was reading this message on the forum I'd advise the person to get the hell out. But being in these awful shoes I never, ever thought I'd be in, the answer is not so clear.