Isn't there a Reese Witherspoon and Vincent Vaughn movie called "Four Christmases" about this very same family situation?

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but wondering what this means/ looks like to adult children of divorce? I'm divorced and my kids are getting close to going away to college. I reallywant to give them a "home base." . Currently in a townhouse that I bought to get the kids through high school in a good school district. I really don't want to be here in 20 years, and don't think it's really cozy and home-y anywau.

Adult child of divorce here. My parents divorced when I was 7. Sounds CRAZY but I still carry the pain of it to this day. Im 37.

Create new traditions for your children and try not to mourn what should have been.

I'm sorry, OP. My parents divorced when I was in college and we moved around a good bit so I never felt like I had a true home base. What I have done is make a home for myself - I have lived in the same area for 15 years now, and I've got the hometown area I never had growing up. It's not the same as a true hometown, but it's what I have.

OP here, thanks for all of your thoughts.

I was 12 when they split. For many years it didn't matter to me, but now that I have kids I wish there was a big family Christmas/Easter/whatever at Grandma's house like I had. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. All on good terms, no drama or weirdness. DH had this too. We both miss those extended family gatherings, hope to provide that for our kids & grandkids when the time comes.

DH's parents make no effort. Mom does - we try, she tries, but it's always her current husband's agenda and she caters to him now. I've always tried to make things easy for her, smooth it over, not show the hurt; also wanted the kids to have a grandparent relationship. But I'm tired of playing that role - just want to leave it all in the past and do what's most convenient for us. Divorce really is herpes - yours for life.

It's hard. There's a lot of social pressure to be positive and accepting of our parents' divorces. Yet, even as adults it is painful and burdensome in very real ways, especially as parents age and their decision to divorce means they are alone and vulnerable. People who don't have divorced parents have a hard time understanding.

Anonymous wrote:I feel it, OP. My in-laws are still married, so that's a lot easier logistically, but it also means that DH doesn't quite understand my experience and it kind of rubs salt in the wound to see how staying married pays such dividends for the whole family in the long run.

My advice is only to make the effort you are willing to make, and not try to cater to others' ideas of what you should do. Divorce has long-lasting consequences and they need to accept that.

+1 on this. My parents are still married and DH's divorced in his teen years. His parents don't speak to each other, so holidays at my house are difficult for him. I notice he gets more introspective and withdraws a bit. I think seeing my "normal" family is hurtful to him.

Did your parents divorce when you were an adult? Mine did at 12 & I have not felt that family home feeling since then, so I don't think about it at all!! This is normal to me.

I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find myself not wanting to make the effort to visit our parents and just focus on my own family.

Fwiw I think this is to be expected and is perfectly fine.

OP, if the environment is complex, feels uncomfortable, and isn't good for your own kids, you're making the right decision. Your DC is entitled, period, to grow up believing that his/her home and family are always stable and safe.

Anonymous wrote:I find myself not wanting to make the effort to visit our parents and just focus on my own family.

Fwiw I think this is to be expected and is perfectly fine.

I feel it, OP. My in-laws are still married, so that's a lot easier logistically, but it also means that DH doesn't quite understand my experience and it kind of rubs salt in the wound to see how staying married pays such dividends for the whole family in the long run.

My advice is only to make the effort you are willing to make, and not try to cater to others' ideas of what you should do. Divorce has long-lasting consequences and they need to accept that.

I'm sorry, OP. That is painful. I know it's difficult with everyone a plane's ride away, but is there any way you could make "your" house the place people gather, even once a year? That might help a bit. Although I have a slightly different situation, it helped me.

The same has happened to me once one parent died and the other pulled up roots and lives in a random state and condo. It feels silly to long for that home base, but I do too.

My parents are divorced and remarried, and so are DH's. All 4 parents live a plane ride away so visiting is a major expense in both time and money. Once we arrive, I still get that displaced feeling like I'm not 'home' because of parents' new spouses, other adult children and their kids. We've created our own happy home for our nuclear family, but I long for a home base for myself and my kids. It's been years, I should be over this by now. Ain't gonna happen, but I miss what could have been, and am envious of what my friends enjoy in their parents' homes. As a result, I find myself not wanting to make the effort to visit our parents and just focus on my own family. Their time is also divided among other step siblings, none of which has ever made an effort at a blended family. Bums me out sometimes.