Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

I wish people would stop blaming ADD. My child is ADHD as am I. Both of us are probably too social.

It doesn't sound to me like OP or the PP are blaming anyone, rather looking to understand why they are the way they are. Understanding the root of the issue can help them resolve it. And inattentive adhd(also known as add) usually presents different challenges than adhd.

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

My thoughts, exactly. Sorry, OP!

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was five, with my mom having full custody and having to work long hours. I'm also the only child. Honestly, I don't remember my mother 'socializing' with any friends during her time off, she was spending all her free time with me. She had friends from college she was in touch with, mostly, by phone, but that's about it.

I started school, met some friends there, and it has been a smooth ride ever since. Now that I'm an adult, my mother resumed some old friendships she was too busy to maintain before.

OP, for crying out loud, it's not your parents' fault that you lack social skills.

1734 here. Re: socialization- I had a few siblings so that helped, watching them/ what to do/not to do. Laughter was important growing up in my house and it goes without saying that if you are funny it's easier to make friends.

I do think that as you age, it is important to have someone somewhere who cares about you. That socialization and keeping a keen mind with interaction is important. As they aged even my parents began to hang out with some people who went to church or played bridge (in other words, not common interests) because as they said "it gets you out".

Anonymous wrote:omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

I wish people would stop blaming ADD. My child is ADHD as am I. Both of us are probably too social.

My parents had many many friends, most lifetime friends. All of my siblings had lots of friends even into adulthood, lifetime friends. I don't care to have any friends yet I'm not antisocial. I just prefer to do my own thing alone. My kids and husband though have many friends.

I think all it did for me was to be able to not need friends if they weren't helpful or fun, and to be able to call bs on bad relationships sooner.

I never had that "o no I need to repair this or find a way to forgive you or ignore your jerkishness" thing that I see a lot of my friends have. I never had that "let's pound this into the ground by discussing it to death" thing. If a person was a jerk I'd say my piece, not engage and end it. I've never collected frenemies- I cherish respectful honesty and if I don't get it, I don't play the game.

I also respected that my parents not once ever made me hang out or put up with a kid I didn't like because of any relationship they had with that kids parent. I saw a lot of friends who "had to" spend time with other kids they hated and it made them upset at their parents. I always respected and dug that my parents weren't sell outs.

But that may have been the atheism that enabled me to not put up with bs either. Hard to say.

My parents didn't have any friends while I was growing up and it didn't impact me at all. I have several people that I've been friends with for over 20 years now. I dunno, you go to school and talk to people and become friends.

My parents were, much like I am now, busy with work and didn't have time to go out and make new friends. Were it not for my friends from growing up I probably wouldn't have any close friends in my working years.

omg will some people never never stop blaming their parents for every goddamned thing it's so pathetic

Anonymous wrote:
My parents were and are like this too.
My childhood was rather difficult because they were also authoritarian and didn't allow me to socialize outside of school. My friends' parents would call mine to politely ask why I wasn't coming to their daughter's party, movie, get-together, etc. Didn't do any good but I did appreciate that they cared enough to call.

I now believe my parents may have ADD, and may have found social interaction after work to be overwhelming - although it doesn't explain everything.
I have ADD, which affects brain maturation, and so a lack of practical social know-how plus ADD made my independent 20s rather awkward. Despite being reasonably pleasant and attractive, I didn't know how to make and keep friends and made many social mistakes, some professional, that I'd rather not recall.

However time has been good to me . In my 30s now - I understand much better how to maintain friendships, and how to be outgoing and display friendly signs. It basically comes down to finding common ground at first, then being a good listener, and validating your friend's feelings when appropriate. Not crossing boundaries. Understanding when to back off. Treating everyone at the office as friendly acquaintances, NOT friends.

I'm still working on keeping track of friends! I can't handle too large a circle otherwise I forget to check up on people and we're not friends anymore. It's not that I don't like them, but... it gets overwhelming. A handful of friends is right for me.

Good luck, OP.

Thanks for sharing your story. Did you find anything particularly helpful as you learned better how to make friends? Like did you go to therapy? Take a social skills class? Read books about social skills? I feel like I am out there all the time trying to make friends with people and it's not working. I feel that this is in part because I never had a good "role model" for making/maintaining friendships from my parents.

Anonymous wrote:You say that you have a few close friendships that you've had for a long time. That's great, and really, that's what most of us strive for. Do you think you'd be less lonely if you weren't SAH? I only have a few very close friends who I see regularly, but I work in a busy office where I have lots of interaction with co-workers and clients. So I'm perfectly happy to spend quiet evenings at home with my husband and child. I also make time to spend a good chunk of time with close friends, even if it's only for a girls' weekend once a year. Having a sizeable chunk of time where we can reconnect and really share what's going on in our lives is really important to me.

If you're looking to meet new people: book clubs, volunteering at your kids' school, playdates, gym classes, knitting or scrapbooking classes, volunteer opportunities. I've met some wonderful mothers while sorting clothes for a kid's clothes swap, for example, or chaperoning a field trip.

OP here. I have 2 friends from college (who live out of state) who I've known since college, and then a few friends here that I made in the last 5 years. However, I need more friends. The friends here don't seem to want/be able to get together more than once every few months, and I need more social interaction than that.

I am very lonely, but I don't think being a SAHM has anything to do with it. If anything, I was more lonely when I worked full-time, pre-kids. When I worked full-time I tried so hard to become friends with the other women in my office, and they weren't interested, and I was excluded from a lot of inter-office friendships. It was also lonely hearing about everyone's weekend plans during lunch when I never had any.

Anyhow, I have tried many different ways to make friends but none of it is working. I just wonder if maybe I don't really know how to make friends (do I need social skills help?) because my parents never had any friends. That's unusual in itself, I think. They said they didn't want or need friends. Oddly, though, my mother didn't have a good relationship with my father so they didn't even spend much time together, and didn't enjoy spending time together.

My parents were and are like this too.
My childhood was rather difficult because they were also authoritarian and didn't allow me to socialize outside of school. My friends' parents would call mine to politely ask why I wasn't coming to their daughter's party, movie, get-together, etc. Didn't do any good but I did appreciate that they cared enough to call.

I now believe my parents may have ADD, and may have found social interaction after work to be overwhelming - although it doesn't explain everything.
I have ADD, which affects brain maturation, and so a lack of practical social know-how plus ADD made my independent 20s rather awkward. Despite being reasonably pleasant and attractive, I didn't know how to make and keep friends and made many social mistakes, some professional, that I'd rather not recall.

However time has been good to me . In my 30s now - I understand much better how to maintain friendships, and how to be outgoing and display friendly signs. It basically comes down to finding common ground at first, then being a good listener, and validating your friend's feelings when appropriate. Not crossing boundaries. Understanding when to back off. Treating everyone at the office as friendly acquaintances, NOT friends.

I'm still working on keeping track of friends! I can't handle too large a circle otherwise I forget to check up on people and we're not friends anymore. It's not that I don't like them, but... it gets overwhelming. A handful of friends is right for me.

Good luck, OP.

My parents had no friends and I think it's the #1 cause of their unhappiness. I've tried hard in my life to have a set of friends I can rely on and have fun with.

You say that you have a few close friendships that you've had for a long time. That's great, and really, that's what most of us strive for. Do you think you'd be less lonely if you weren't SAH? I only have a few very close friends who I see regularly, but I work in a busy office where I have lots of interaction with co-workers and clients. So I'm perfectly happy to spend quiet evenings at home with my husband and child. I also make time to spend a good chunk of time with close friends, even if it's only for a girls' weekend once a year. Having a sizeable chunk of time where we can reconnect and really share what's going on in our lives is really important to me.

If you're looking to meet new people: book clubs, volunteering at your kids' school, playdates, gym classes, knitting or scrapbooking classes, volunteer opportunities. I've met some wonderful mothers while sorting clothes for a kid's clothes swap, for example, or chaperoning a field trip.

OP here. I forgot to add that I'm a married SAHM with 2 kids. Thanks!

If your parents had no friends when you were growing up, and especially if you were an only child, how did you learn how to build and maintain good friendships?

For me, being an only with parents who had zero friends themselves, I really floundered until middle school, when I figured it out on my own how to be a good friend and maintain friendships. I had great friends in middle and high school, and also in college, but after that as an adult who has moved around a lot, have really had a lot of difficulty finding friends and also maintaining these relationships. Friendships are very important to me, but I have very few friends. I do have a few friends though, and some of these friends I've had since college, others for several years.

I feel like I have high emotional intelligence, and am empathetic, and I am really good about keeping in touch, organizing get togethers with friends, and remembering important details that friends share, but I have never been able to have as many friends as I want, and I do feel that I have a lot of difficulty making friends. I feel like once I've made a friend I can keep the friendship going very well, but it's the making friends part that I really have difficulty with. My efforts to make friends over the years--reaching out to others, initiating get togethers, initiating keeping in touch, doesn't seem to be working. My husband has zero friends and doesn't want any, so that makes things more difficult too.

I never had a good "role model" for this growing up as my parents had zero friends and also I was an only child so I didn't see siblings making friends.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks!