Anonymous wrote:What problems do you see when she stays with you? Is it anything that you think can reasonably be changed or just an ingrained part of her personality?

OP here. It's ingrained but if she could just bring herself to stop talking when I say "I don't want to talk about this" then that would go a long way. One example is that the last time she did stay with us, she saw the wooden scoop we keep in the sugar bowl and said that she wouldn't have thought that we would be so unhygienic. I told her that it is completely safe. She kept going on and on, for (literally!) 20 minutes, all while I told her I didn't want to talk about it, chance the subject, etc. She finally stopped when I lost my cool and started actually fighting with her, then ended the whole thing by saying "well I thought it was a reasonable thing to point out to you" as she walked out in a huff, only to later return and accuse me of making her feel unwelcome in my home. The thing that gets me is that these situations are so stupid and petty. And yet they turn into these big deals that completely ruin my day.

I'd say that a benefit of her visiting is that she tries to help, but when she does, she doesn't really help. She'll ask over and over what she can do to help. I finally say that she can weed, and then she'll decide that she needs my old weeding shoes to weed and pester me until I find them for her (all the while with me telling her to forget about it and just sit down and relax). Then she'll weed for 20 minutes, come in, sit down and say she is too old for this and she is tired and needs to rest and how could we possibly expect her to weed the whole house (which, of course, we didn't). Then she'll decide to help by opening windows if it's a nice day, but she can't figure out the storm windows, so she bugs me until I do it. Etc. I just don't really find her help to be worth the hassle or the cost.

What problems do you see when she stays with you? Is it anything that you think can reasonably be changed or just an ingrained part of her personality?

I have a similar relationship with my mom, OP. But my mom is awesome with babies and is actually great in emergency/high intensity situations. So it was worth the bit of drama (and there was some), in order to have her there for our first night at home when we could not figure out how to get our baby to stop crying.

But I hear what you guys are saying about how second chances are not for postpartum periods where hormones are high, and I agree and appreciate the point.

OP again - another funny tidbit - she did say that if we let her stay with us she'd "pretend" she was in a hotel by going to the guest room at 7:30pm and staying there until 8 or 9 in the morning. There's no TV in the guest room, so I'm not sure what she'd do, or whether to even believe her, but I just remembered that so thought I would add

No no no! A baby adds so much more stress and she will not be able to hold it together, especially when she realizes that someone else is the center of attention. Tell her to get a hotel room or stay with your sister again.

The fact that she is even asking you this shows she has not learned one thing.

If you want to give her another chance, I'd suggest a time when you do not have a brand new baby in the house.

Book a hotel mama!

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Tell her you're more comfortable with her in a hotel. Reevaluate based on that visit for potential future visits.

OP - just to clarify - when she was here over the holidays, she essentially did stay in a hotel (with my sister, but same thing on our end), and it went really well.

No. Maybe when the child is older, but don't do that to your post-partum self. Managing a baby is hard enough - don't throw your difficult mother into the mix.

Nope. Tell her you're more comfortable with her in a hotel. Reevaluate based on that visit for potential future visits.

Give her another chance if you would like to. That said, maybe right after a new baby is born isn't the best time to give that a fair chance to work.

No. You're going to be a parent and need to learn this: when you say no, the answer is NO. The answer is not "No, but go ahead and talk me into yes."

You're being a fool to think it'll go better now. She may NOT stay with you.

I would have her stay in a hotel. Do you really want to be pushing back while taking care of a new baby? I had my similar-sounding mother stay at a hotel, but she also didn't push to stay with me since I'd converted the guest room into the nursery.

I wouldn't let her stay with you. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. She's trying to guilt you since you are having a new baby.

My mom and I have a rocky relationship for various reasons. She loves to gaslight, etc., and we just don't really get along. I've finally reached the point in my life where I've had enough of being walked all over when she's in my house, and when she was here for the holidays I told her she could stay in a hotel but not with us (she ended up staying with my sister, who lives close-ish, the whole time). It ended up being a great visit, actually, because of the extra distance.

Now the new baby is coming and she is begging for one more chance and to stay with us when she visits. She's been given plenty of chances in the past - we've been fighting about the same things for years. I don't know if she means it or if she's capable of acting respectfully in my house.

So I'm torn - let her stay and say that this is really the LAST chance for the benefit of my kids (older and new)? Or am I being a fool for thinking/hoping that this time she'll treat us like adults and not wayward children, when she hasn't been able to accomplish that in the last 5-10 years that we've been fighting about it? WWYD?