Anonymous wrote:Interesting OP. I'm a single Mom and fly to see my family on the west coast multiple times a year in addition to international travel. You really can't afford plane tickets?

OP is not you. You are not OP. Your life is not OP's life and your budget is not OP's budget.

People like you who question others' finances are irksome.

Sounds like you need to be more direct. "We can't afford it."

Interesting OP. I'm a single Mom and fly to see my family on the west coast multiple times a year in addition to international travel. You really can't afford plane tickets?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are consumed by your life. As you should be. They are consumed by their lives. As they should be. They forgot. You need to say, "I'm sorry, we would REALLY love to see you, but we just can't afford any plane tickets in 2015. It breaks our hearts, but we can't."

They need to be reminded. They are not consumed by your financial worries, that's all.

Perfect
Keep it simple and keep it moving

+1. set aside resentment, guilty feelings and stuff like that. your ILs have no idea about you financial situation, it's your place to determine what you can afford and what you can, and say it clearly. when ILs organize Christmas vacation, you say that you cannot joint them because it is not in your budget, sorry", same for the summer. and tell them that you would love to have them at your place instead. they were financially smart and lived within their means, they will understand. if not, their problem.

Anonymous wrote:You are consumed by your life. As you should be. They are consumed by their lives. As they should be. They forgot. You need to say, "I'm sorry, we would REALLY love to see you, but we just can't afford any plane tickets in 2015. It breaks our hearts, but we can't."

They need to be reminded. They are not consumed by your financial worries, that's all.

Perfect
Keep it simple and keep it moving

Anonymous wrote:OP - how old are the kids? If they don't go visit the grandparents, will you be paying for camp/childcare during those two weeks anyway? Paying, let's say $400 for one plane ticket will likely be less than two weeks of camp for two kids.

this was my first thought. Getting two weeks of free childcare would enable me to buy them tickets.

The more I think on it, the more I think you should come up with the money for essentially one plane ticket. It's two weeks of babysitting.... Two weeks of food for two kids.... It may be a wash, financially. You will spend more if the grandparents visit you.

^^and if they are too old for camp, are they old enough to do some babysitting or other job to help pay for the tickets?

OP - how old are the kids? If they don't go visit the grandparents, will you be paying for camp/childcare during those two weeks anyway? Paying, let's say $400 for one plane ticket will likely be less than two weeks of camp for two kids.

OP, we are in the same situation, with a little more pushback and guilt tripping involved (and perhaps more of a financial burden as we have never taken a vacation that involves flying or staying in a hotel/rental house since kids born)

I will echo a PP's suggestion that you have to be very clear, perhaps in writing so there is no miscommunication, of what you can/cannot do. They may think since you swung it last 2 years that it's not a big deal to you.

"We are so grateful for the offer to have the kids visit, we know how much they love you as we do. However, we just can't pay for plane tickets at this time, and apologize if it wasn't clear earlier when we told you DH and DW couldn't go that it was because of the cost. We would love for you to come stay with is so we won't miss seeing you this year. Please take us up on our offer to host you this year."

Or something with a combination of gratefulness, regret and genuine invite to your home to make sure you all get together.

Anonymous wrote:We live in DC area. We are what I would describe as "middle" middle class. After paying mortgage, college savings for kids, and retirement savings for ourselves, we have little left in our paycheck. There's really not room in our budget for splurges. We have one car with 100,000 miles on it. Our vacations are frugal--think a week in a cabin at a state park. I'm working hard to reign in our budget, so we have more "rainy day" funds, but it's definitely the weakest part of our finances right now.

ILs live halfway across the country. I love the ILs--they are great people and we have a warm, loving relationship.
ILs are now both retired. They've lived and continue to live a comfortable middle class life. They are healthy and still living in the full-size home, with two brand new cars. They've been prudent with money, and thoughtful about things like long-term care insurance, retirement savings, etc. (For which DH and I are eternally grateful.) They also can afford to have fun. They just went on a 3 week vacation to the west coast and Las Vegas. Good for them, I say--it sounds like they had fun, and since FIL only recently retired, it's great that they were able to take such a long vacation for the first time in a long time.

I'm frustrated with their expectations on us visiting them. The last two years they've come up with last-minute plans for vacation rentals for the family to meet at, and we are all expected to chip in to help pay. These ideas get hatched by ILs and DH's siblings, and then we've felt cornered into doing it. First time I thought, "sure, it's a one time deal" second time was completely last minute, and I really got caught off guard. I told DH (and he agreed) that we had to be very firm and clear that we could not budget for that kind of trip every Xmas. (But we would be happy to have people come to us for Xmas this year if they want.)

Now I'm dealing with summer. Last three years, the ILs paid for my kids to fly out to them for 2 weeks over the summer. Last year, DH and I also paid for our own tickets to also fly out for the last week of that period for a visit. Explained to ILs back in January that DH and I couldn't afford to fly out this year during the summer. ILs say, "no problem--it can just be the kids this year." Fine. Now we get a call. Time to arrange the flights for the kids, and we need to get this arranged so you can pay for your half. Huh? We've never paid for the kids' tickets for these summer trips.

I just feel like all my attempts to establish clear expectations keep getting thwarted. I also resent feeling like the bad guy. I'd like to see them more, but it really is expensive to fly and the only way we can pay for these tickets is to put them on a credit card, which is precisely what I'm trying not to do. They have not visited our home in years. Years. It's not that they don't like to travel--they just took a big trip earlier this year and have done many other trips. It's not that they don't have time--they are both retired. It's not that there is something wrong with my house. I'm not perfect, but I make sure I have a clean, comfortable house for my guests. Why can't they fly to us? Why can't they drive to us if they want to save on plane tickets?

So, time for DCUM to weigh in. Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

Well, it seems like they thought it was a half-and-half deal, effectuated by them paying the kids and you paying yourselves. And you thought it was a they-pay-for-the kids rule. Both interpretations of the past are reasonable. But now you know where they stand.

OP ~ Can you communicate with the IL's by email (keeping it very short not like your post!)
That way you & husband can write it together.
Pose a question, answer a question, give a time-frame when a decision needs to be made, give the range of expense you can afford.
You and husband can think this through - and there is a record of what everyone has agreed to.

Tell your DH you guys need to set aside a certain amount per month in a Visit Fund. Then you'll at least have however much that is. Maybe that will give him a reality check. And next time he wants to buy something, say no because that money has to be set aside for family trips.

As for them not visiting you, I dunno. What if you asked them? I bet it's that they want to show the grandkids around to their friends, that's how my ILs are anyway. Or maybe they would prefer to stay in a hotel... sometimes older folks just like to have their space.

You are consumed by your life. As you should be. They are consumed by their lives. As they should be. They forgot. You need to say, "I'm sorry, we would REALLY love to see you, but we just can't afford any plane tickets in 2015. It breaks our hearts, but we can't."

They need to be reminded. They are not consumed by your financial worries, that's all.

We live in DC area. We are what I would describe as "middle" middle class. After paying mortgage, college savings for kids, and retirement savings for ourselves, we have little left in our paycheck. There's really not room in our budget for splurges. We have one car with 100,000 miles on it. Our vacations are frugal--think a week in a cabin at a state park. I'm working hard to reign in our budget, so we have more "rainy day" funds, but it's definitely the weakest part of our finances right now.

ILs live halfway across the country. I love the ILs--they are great people and we have a warm, loving relationship.
ILs are now both retired. They've lived and continue to live a comfortable middle class life. They are healthy and still living in the full-size home, with two brand new cars. They've been prudent with money, and thoughtful about things like long-term care insurance, retirement savings, etc. (For which DH and I are eternally grateful.) They also can afford to have fun. They just went on a 3 week vacation to the west coast and Las Vegas. Good for them, I say--it sounds like they had fun, and since FIL only recently retired, it's great that they were able to take such a long vacation for the first time in a long time.

I'm frustrated with their expectations on us visiting them. The last two years they've come up with last-minute plans for vacation rentals for the family to meet at, and we are all expected to chip in to help pay. These ideas get hatched by ILs and DH's siblings, and then we've felt cornered into doing it. First time I thought, "sure, it's a one time deal" second time was completely last minute, and I really got caught off guard. I told DH (and he agreed) that we had to be very firm and clear that we could not budget for that kind of trip every Xmas. (But we would be happy to have people come to us for Xmas this year if they want.)

Now I'm dealing with summer. Last three years, the ILs paid for my kids to fly out to them for 2 weeks over the summer. Last year, DH and I also paid for our own tickets to also fly out for the last week of that period for a visit. Explained to ILs back in January that DH and I couldn't afford to fly out this year during the summer. ILs say, "no problem--it can just be the kids this year." Fine. Now we get a call. Time to arrange the flights for the kids, and we need to get this arranged so you can pay for your half. Huh? We've never paid for the kids' tickets for these summer trips.

I just feel like all my attempts to establish clear expectations keep getting thwarted. I also resent feeling like the bad guy. I'd like to see them more, but it really is expensive to fly and the only way we can pay for these tickets is to put them on a credit card, which is precisely what I'm trying not to do. They have not visited our home in years. Years. It's not that they don't like to travel--they just took a big trip earlier this year and have done many other trips. It's not that they don't have time--they are both retired. It's not that there is something wrong with my house. I'm not perfect, but I make sure I have a clean, comfortable house for my guests. Why can't they fly to us? Why can't they drive to us if they want to save on plane tickets?

So, time for DCUM to weigh in. Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?