OP your post is a bit confusing. You talked to your mother yesterday yet you say you don't have a relationship with her. If how you have described your mother is accurate, I can't see why you would want her or anyone like her to be around your children. Is is really fair (or wise) to subject them to that?

I don't have contact with my parents. I haven't talked with my mother since I was 15 and she sided with her husband instead of me about him molesting me. I haven't talked to my father, who lives about six driving hours or an hour and a half plane ride away, in about a year - since he got angry at me for getting a restraining order against his ex wife (because then she started bothering him).

I don't know why you think you need your parents for support. There's the family you're born into, the family you create, and the family you pull around you (your village). My best friend just dropped off mozzarella cheese for me last night because I forgot to buy it over the weekend. Our contract with our nanny includes doing 5 or 6 errands for the household per week. My friend's dad became widowed right after our first baby was born and he's backup care. My inlaws live across the country and we see them 4 or 5 times a year. My work-from-home neighbor will watch the kids with her husband at night after they're asleep, or during the day if she's our last resort and it's not for more than an hour or so. We gather the village around us.

I don't have contact with my father and very little with my mother. She lives across the country. Short story - father very abusive and I couldn't continue the lie. Mother supports him and therefore I cannot be a part. We live near DH but they are mostly absent. In an emergency they would probably show up (we've never had one) but for any other support needed we rely on each other and a sitter. We have also become friends with some great neighbors that would help us if needed, though this is a very recent development. I couldn't expose dc to my family (too toxic) so this is the only choice I have.

First is to stop being an internet doctor. Second, you need to fix yourself. Read what you wrote, you will get it.

Why? And how to you manage in terms of support with your kids? We have two kids and are trying for a third. We don't live near family but we've always wanted them to be a part of our lives. I've had a stormy relationship with my parents throughout my life because of my mom's undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. It's been an issue for years but I've mostly just worked around it and tried to keep things as pleasant as possible by being the "good kid." I'm almost 40 and in the last couple of years she seems to be getting worse. Each time she's visited she's said really nasty, horrible things to me - insulting me, calling me names, and telling me she wishes bad things for me. I've never said anything like that to her and I can't imagine telling my children those things. My dad sees it I think but he always tries to get me to be sympathetic to her and he'll never contradict her directly because he is afraid of her. I don't have any other relationships like that in my life and it's very painful to me. I want myself and my kids to be connected with them because I value family, but I don't know how much more I can or should take? She blames us for any issues, exaggerates a lot and refuses to take any responsibility in terms of mending things. She blames my DH all the time when he's not around and I've asked her repeatedly to please stop. He's a wonderful person and a great dad and doesn't deserve that. Yesterday she started going on about how bad our nanny was after meeting her for a short time. I've tried to talk calmly with her about what goes on between us, but she goes into rages and blames everything on me. Afterwards she acts like everything is fine but I feel traumatized. I'm so conflicted about not having a relationship with them because I guess I'm still holding out hope for some resolution, even though after 40 years I should probably know better. I'm also afraid of what it would mean to lose that aspect of our support system. Not that there supportive per se, but in an emergency we could call them. For people who have gone down this route, tell me about the process and what it was like for you? I'm scared but also exhausted.