Anonymous wrote:If you're fighting about the same thing over and over again and are unable to find a compromise, the real conflict is probably something deeper. Until you resolve the deeper conflict, you're not going to find a compromise on the surface issue.

+1. If it were really about technique, you'd have resolved it somehow by now. Either a compromise or dropping it. You're both digging in which sounds like something deeper.

PP, love your dad's words about marriage being like a road that is always under construction. So true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing gets resolved, we both end up alienated, then he avoids topic and I feel driven to try to find a solution that doesn't exist. Rinse. Repeat. I hate myself in this cycle. It's a lose-lose. I don't bring it up, he's relieved, but I'm not, and he is still doing things his way. I bring it up, we fight, now we're both upset, nothing is resolved, and he is still doing things his way. It's a major issue.

It must be pretty awful to be married to someone who tries to do things his way, rather than yours.

Seriously, WTF? Maybe you're just being too vague and not communicating clearly here, but maybe his way is as good as yours, or perhaps your way is the one that sucks.

Or perhaps there's a compromise point in the middle that could work if he weren't determined to do things only his way.

Look up Imago. Good books on this by Harville Hendrix.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this why you married ? To fight and be miserable ?

Time to decide if you keep on this way or part ways.

I hate myself like this. There has to be a better way. Or do I say nothing, silently miserable.

My husband is a slob. He's lazy. He's not curious about the world. Drinks too much, exercises too little, eats junk. I was miserable too until I took the energy I was spending trying to either fix him or convince him to fix himself, and spent it on me. Now I meditate daily, exercise four or five times a week, laugh with my kids and my girlfriends. Keep my personal standards high at work and in my own personal life. In other words, take very concrete steps to change myself in positive ways.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Nothing gets resolved, we both end up alienated, then he avoids topic and I feel driven to try to find a solution that doesn't exist. Rinse. Repeat. I hate myself in this cycle. It's a lose-lose. I don't bring it up, he's relieved, but I'm not, and he is still doing things his way. I bring it up, we fight, now we're both upset, nothing is resolved, and he is still doing things his way. It's a major issue.

It must be pretty awful to be married to someone who tries to do things his way, rather than yours.

Seriously, WTF? Maybe you're just being too vague and not communicating clearly here, but maybe his way is as good as yours, or perhaps your way is the one that sucks.

Read some books by John Gottman. He says that 75% of marital conflict will never be resolved. That's right, what you are fighting about now, you will be fighting about 20 years from now. All you can do is negotiate something that BOTH of you can live with.
He also talks about how you need to have a 5:1 ratio of good to bad thing to keep a relationship healthy. So even when you are fighting, find ways to add to your love bank--say thank you whenever you can (thank you for taking out the trash-even if you had to remind him, thank him for going to work every day to make money, etc) or touch when you pass in the hallway. Think of ways to focus on the good, not the bad. Doesn't make the bad go away, but you do have enough currency in the love bank that you can deal with it better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this why you married ? To fight and be miserable ?

Time to decide if you keep on this way or part ways.

I hate myself like this. There has to be a better way. Or do I say nothing, silently miserable.

My husband is a slob. He's lazy. He's not curious about the world. Drinks too much, exercises too little, eats junk. I was miserable too until I took the energy I was spending trying to either fix him or convince him to fix himself, and spent it on me. Now I meditate daily, exercise four or five times a week, laugh with my kids and my girlfriends. Keep my personal standards high at work and in my own personal life. In other words, take very concrete steps to change myself in positive ways.

If you're fighting about the same thing over and over again and are unable to find a compromise, the real conflict is probably something deeper. Until you resolve the deeper conflict, you're not going to find a compromise on the surface issue.

Anonymous wrote:Is this why you married ? To fight and be miserable ?

Time to decide if you keep on this way or part ways.

I hate myself like this. There has to be a better way. Or do I say nothing, silently miserable.

DH and I bicker a lot too. He finally pointed out that we're frustrated in other parts of our lives (work, finances, having little time to ourselves etc) and we are taking it out on each other since it's safe. Since he pointed it out, I don't take it as personally when we bicker. It's not the healthiest way to deal with our frustrations, but better than some other ways. Is the fighting really about these issues? Or a symptom of something else?

On my wedding day, my father (who has been married to my mother for 33 years) imparted some advice to me: marriage is a road that is always under construction.

So true.

I found myself falling into the same cycle with my wife (I'm also a woman, so throw any traditional gender roles out the window). I also spent a little time in therapy trying to figure out which issues were mine. I have a tendency to have high anxiety and stress/worry over things that really aren't so important. I remember telling my therapist that it would really bother me when mail piled up on our kitchen counter. She said if it's not a fire hazard, it might be a good idea to focus on other things.

I tried to change my way of thinking about the stuff that my wife "wasn't doing" to focus instead of what she was doing. We both work full time, so it's important to acknowledge that we're both very busy, we're tired at the end of the day, yet we still want to be good partners to each other and good parents to our son, who is almost 2. So instead of getting pissed that she left her dress shoes in the bathroom instead of putting them on the shoe rack, I shifted my focus to "Wow, she managed to do an entire sink of dishes before she even went to work." So trying to acknowledge things that DID get done made a huge different in my outlook on our marriage and thus my mood. And me being happier consequently makes HER happier.

What kind of fights are you talking about? My DH and I have the exact same fights too, but they are about the same stupid stuff - I will never put dishes in the dishwasher the right way and he will never not sprawl all over our bed in the middle of the night. If its this stuff, it's just marriage. If its bigger stuff, you might want to see a counselor to fix.

Is this why you married ? To fight and be miserable ?

Time to decide if you keep on this way or part ways.

If a solution "doesn't exist", then you need to either resolve to stop caring about the issue or you need to leave your husband.

Too extreme, right?

What kind of stuff are we talking about here? You may need to get more creative when thinking about solutions. And if this is stuff you knew about going into the marriage, at some point you'll have to admit to yourself that people often don't change.

Maybe you could make some bargains. Like he'll keep leaving his socks on the floor but in return for your picking them up he'll do X chore that you really hate.

Nothing gets resolved, we both end up alienated, then he avoids topic and I feel driven to try to find a solution that doesn't exist. Rinse. Repeat. I hate myself in this cycle. It's a lose-lose. I don't bring it up, he's relieved, but I'm not, and he is still doing things his way. I bring it up, we fight, now we're both upset, nothing is resolved, and he is still doing things his way. It's a major issue.