Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you so much for your responses. I hate to think of so many other DIL's experiencing this, but on the flip side, I can't tell you how much it helps to know that there are so many people in similar situations. There have been so many times when I have questioned myself when it comes to MIL. Things like: "Am I being a bitch?" "Am I being too sensitive?" "Maybe I am being controlling...." "Am I jealous?"

It is so rare that I ever have confrontations with anyone. Really, its never. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I'd rather just walk away. The fact that I let MIL get to me for so long is really the only issue. And since I'm no longer emotionally invested in her, my life has been so much less stressful.

Thank you again.

Difficult people never ask themselves these questions. So if you are aware of the fact that you might be hurting feelings, you are already light years ahead of most insensitive people.

+1

I also empathize with you, OP. I agree with the really helpful responses, after years of having a difficult, self centered, selfish MIL myself. In my case, MIL has the family get together once or twice a year for appearance sake, so she can say who attended. Never a nice word about DH, certainly not me or our children. It's awful. You are not alone. In fact, this thread made my day, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you so much for your responses. I hate to think of so many other DIL's experiencing this, but on the flip side, I can't tell you how much it helps to know that there are so many people in similar situations. There have been so many times when I have questioned myself when it comes to MIL. Things like: "Am I being a bitch?" "Am I being too sensitive?" "Maybe I am being controlling...." "Am I jealous?"

It is so rare that I ever have confrontations with anyone. Really, its never. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I'd rather just walk away. The fact that I let MIL get to me for so long is really the only issue. And since I'm no longer emotionally invested in her, my life has been so much less stressful.

Thank you again.

Difficult people never ask themselves these questions. So if you are aware of the fact that you might be hurting feelings, you are already light years ahead of most insensitive people.

OP here.

Thank you so much for your responses. I hate to think of so many other DIL's experiencing this, but on the flip side, I can't tell you how much it helps to know that there are so many people in similar situations. There have been so many times when I have questioned myself when it comes to MIL. Things like: "Am I being a bitch?" "Am I being too sensitive?" "Maybe I am being controlling...." "Am I jealous?"

It is so rare that I ever have confrontations with anyone. Really, its never. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I'd rather just walk away. The fact that I let MIL get to me for so long is really the only issue. And since I'm no longer emotionally invested in her, my life has been so much less stressful.

Thank you again.

OP, you know how to be pleasant and keep conversation superficial, right? You just have to do that with your MIL. Do it right, and she'll never have anything to complain about.

I spend many hours a week with mine, and that's how I keep it. I'd love to have a MIL I could talk to and trust and feel close to, but this is not the woman. Anything I ever said, she used against me. She undermines her son and me, and doesn't even seem aware she has grandkids. Her little world is a psychological poison I want to protect us all from, even as we are physically around her.

I gradually distanced myself from my MIL (didn't share personal information or stories or concerns) and really only listened to her non-stop, self-focused ramblings when I absolutely had to. I was tired of being the subject of her gossip and her constant criticisms and sarcastic, passive aggressive statements. It felt like everything I said was analyzed and weighed. So, I shut down.

She didn't seem to notice or care until one time I left her side at my child's sporting event to chat with another friend for a good long time. I rejoined her just prior to the end of the game and she screamed at me in front of other parents, coaches, spectators that I was so rude and stormed off. A couple of parents raced over to check on me. So humiliating. She was there with her DH, so wasn't alone. That was several years ago and I've stood my ground and haven't changed.

Now I make a game of it. My MIL natters on about her life, her friends, her stuff, but never, ever takes a breath to ask about me. I've started two new jobs since all of this and she's never asked one thing about my new job. She doesn't ask and I don't tell. One of my neighbors she was vaguely friendly with and saw frequently while visiting died two years ago. She hasn't asked about her so doesn't know.

Anonymous wrote:Stupid and cheerful. Ignore her complaints. Stay on "cocktail party" type chatter. See her as little as possible.

Exactly. You need to put on your mask of obliviousness. When she says shit like 'you treat me like a piece of furniture', you just echo her with "I treat you ilke a piece of furniture" with a little lilt at the end so it's not clear whether you're asking a question or parroting her. It communicates you heard what she said but that you're not engaging. If she follows it up with another sentence/question, you repeat and project obliviousness.

Smile, be minimally courteous, and never talk about anything personal. If that means avoiding her, so be it. Ideally, you should limit contact so that you don't even have to see her that often.

Keep things as is. Google borderline personality disorder. Does it sound like her?

OP - we are in extremely similar situations. I don't know your time period, but mine has been over a decade long relationship. My MIL, like yours, favors my DH's sister and her children and is very clear. She will say it openly to my kids sometimes and that was the last straw for me. She stays with us when she visits (uninvited) and I keep things very cold. I used to, like you, have conversations with her but I realized that she will never like me. So a few years ago, I chilled our relationship. She's noticed and thrown fits about it to DH but I maintain my coolness with her. It's the only way. Sometimes I want to crack and be "nicer" but I know her so well now that I know it's fruitless. Maintain what you've started; it will save your sanity.

Ignore, ignore and ignore.

Just plaster a smile on your face and pretend she is a piece of furniture.

Stupid and cheerful. Ignore her complaints. Stay on "cocktail party" type chatter. See her as little as possible.

Does she attempt to converse with you and you brush it off? Or are you just avoiding making the effort to go chat with her? I avoid my MIL generally at gatherings. I am polite, ask how she's doing etc. But other than that, I do not initiate any conversation. If she does, I'm happy to respond, but I don't seek her out. She's a insecure, bitter woman who loves to keep score, so I just felt my openness was being used against me. So I closed up and remain tightly guarded. She noticed the shift and hurls occasional jabs at me or my husband, but I remain polite, back up my husband when he stands up for us, and don't engage.

I guess all that is to say: don't engage. If she's noticed, that's really her problem. She can't force you to be friendly and chatty with her. Just don't ever tell her the reason why. It is not worth getting into a tit-for-tat argument about how she favors SIL. Let her favor SIL, it takes her off your back.

No. Keep it surface and cordial. DON'T try to tell her how you feel or try to appease her. It won't work. It will make it all worse.

Talk to her like you would talk to a vague acquaintance at a cocktail party.

I'll start by saying that my mother in law is an absolute handful.

She favors my SIL's kids over mine. She tells my husband that he is "not successful." She says things to my kids, such as "your mom's not in charge on this one... I am," when she asks them what they want for Christmas. I won't go into all the details, but I really just don't appreciate the way she speaks to her son (my husband) and the way she plays favorites with her grandchildren. My husband doesn't deal with her much either, as she has pretty much taxed him out. She's one of those people that thrives on co-dependency. These days, its my SIL who needs her help, so she's latched on to her like no other, because my SIL needs her help. NOTE: SIL is basically an irresponsible Mom who cares more about hanging out with friends than taking care of her kids. She's 35, but acts like she's about 22. My husband (her son) is an "all hands on deck) type of parent and works very hard, so I think she's a ashamed of her daughter (my SIL) and instead of telling her to get her act together, MIL displaces her disgust on my husband.

Well, with all that being said, at family gatherings (which are pretty regular), I give her a friendly "hello, how are you Sue?" and that's about it. I no longer sit and chat with her like I used to. She took notice, and told me that she thinks I'm disrespectful and said "you basically treat me like a piece of furniture."

Typically, I'm all for open communication telling someone how I feel. But with her, it would not be good. She's vindictive and UGLY when she feels like someone is doing her wrong. I'm not the only one who has experienced this with her. Her siblings communicate with her minimally, she and her father do not talk at all, and her friendships are hanging by a thread. She's just not a nice person and I feel like she's stung me too many times.

My question is: for the sake of peace, should I open up myself to her for even "brief" chats? I've seen her so many times lately and have thought about what I could possibly say to open up a conversation, but it feels so strained and so fake.

Thoughts?