Anonymous wrote:THis happens for all kinds of reasons that are none of your business OP.

A single mother who has felt the need to cut off a biological father's access, but still works to include paternal grandparents, is doing a HUGE and likely very difficult service to her kids.

Respect that and respect what is not your business.

+1

My ex-MIL was an absolute gem. Her eldest (my ex) was a total bonehead. We co-parent, though, so it's a bit different.

I admit there have been times where I have looked at this lady and wondered how the hell they screwed their eldest up so bad, and then I remembered that kids don't turn out like recipes.

Legally, it's extremely rare that a mother could prohibit the father from having any contact with the children. Extremely. If you're seeing this in multiple situations, it's almost certainly because the fathers have chosen to absent themselves.

Totally agree that if the father isn't in the kids' lives then it is usually a choice the father is making. My SIL and my brother work hard to give SIL's ex's parents time with SIL and ex's daughter. Sometimes the father is there for these visits, but usually he flakes out and skips them. And I know for a fact that she doesn't receive any monetary support from them. It really is none of your business and I would be willing to bet you aren't getting the full story from these women you're talking to. Also, if a child's father is not involved in the child's life and that child is college-aged then I would bet that is a choice being made by the child.

THis happens for all kinds of reasons that are none of your business OP.

A single mother who has felt the need to cut off a biological father's access, but still works to include paternal grandparents, is doing a HUGE and likely very difficult service to her kids.

Respect that and respect what is not your business.

OP, I doubt you are getting the "full" story. Maybe the ex was abusive. Maybe he wants no contact. Or maybe he does see the kids, but the mother really wants little mention of him.

For years, my husband would take his kids from a previous marriage to visit their grandparents on his weekends. That made the visit much better. He lived in a one bedroom apartment post divorce, not exactly a fun place for an 8 year old and 13 year old to hang out.

In our case DD's father is more interested in his own job, social life, and schedule than in facilitating a relationship between his parents and DD (or even himself and DD, for that matter). I arrange all trips for DD to see his parents and communicate with them about her birthday. They don't even reach out to him about these things, which irritates me. But they want a relationship with their grandchild, and she deserves that with them. So I handle it.

They're nice, reliable people (and do not give us money, nor do I ask). Be wary of a story where Dad is "forbidden" from seeing children. Unless he's incarcerated, if he wants contact, he'll usually have it. It's what's good for kids; most moms know this.

Because my MIL is a nice person. Her son *was* a nice normal person but completely F'd up his life with his poor choices. Lost his job, couldn't be bothered to get another one. Started drinking. Then came the neglect of the kids, cheating, and of course, lying about it. And stealing. When I kicked him out he went to live with his brother's family. He actually stole money from his niece's piggy bank. Of course he says he didn't "steal" it because it was always his intention to pay it back.

His brother is also still a nice, normal guy. Hard working, good dad. My ex is still unemployed and basically homeless, but he found a desperate divorcee who took him in. So now he mooches off of her instead of me, his mom, and his brother. Basically he has achieved his life dream of being a male prostitute I kid you not, he used to say that jokingly.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think there comes a point in time when the parents need to stop being blamed for the sins of their children.

My youngest bother is not the best person. He has many issues but we can't blame those all on my parents. They also raised me and my older brother and we are quite successful.

Money or not, it is quite possible that the grandparents are good people even if the exDH or father of the child is not.

This. My ILs are great grandparents, but my SIL is a mess and has been estranged from her own children for periods of time. The grandparents, while not always making the best choices as parents, have redeemed themselves many times over, and I'm happy they're in my DC's life. There are always multiple sides to stories.

OP, I think there comes a point in time when the parents need to stop being blamed for the sins of their children.

My youngest bother is not the best person. He has many issues but we can't blame those all on my parents. They also raised me and my older brother and we are quite successful.

Money or not, it is quite possible that the grandparents are good people even if the exDH or father of the child is not.

If a biological father wants to be involved in a kid's life, there is only so much a woman can do about it. If a person says that a man has screwed up so badly that his own family is not speaking to him, I would personally assume that this man is either dangerous or dangerously irresponsible. It takes a lot for someone's family to cut them off completely and a lot for that family to maintain a relationship with an ex-wife. It's almost never comfortable for the grandparents involved.

If the father truly has no contact, 99% of the time that's either because the father isn't interested in contact, or because they did something so egregious that they lost their visitation rights. Some people will claim the other parent made things so hard they had no choice to give up, but that's largely BS -- competent parents who want to be involved have lots of ways to enforce their legal rights.

In light of that, perhaps instead of judging these women for not have fathers involved in their kids' lives, you could appreciate that they have allowed the paternal grandparents a relationship *despite* the failings of the child's father. Those mothers could just as easily say they don't want anyone from the father's side involved, but some believe it's good for the kids to know their extended families on both sides, and will put great effort into making that happen, despite the fathers.

I have several friends, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances who are single moms. They won't allow their children to have any relationship with the biological father. However, the grandparents, the parents who raised their exDH are allowed in the children's lives.

As one of these single moms recently stated about her exDH, the father of her children, "He messed up and no one is speaking to him." She was also married and divorced for five years to a second husband who she no longer speaks to. Apparently her children's father isn't ever allowed in their lives even though the children are in college now, but the grandparents are allowed in their lives. And I suspect it is because the grandparents give them money.

I have noticed this pattern before, and I am just curious how it works out that the parents who raised the father of the single mom's children would be any better in their lives than their father himself.