Anonymous wrote:OP - You have my sympathy. I read your last thread and thought some of the PPs were too harsh.

I think the PP that suggested you do not engage is spot on. She's not going to change. And what is she going to do, get mad at you for ignoring her? She already is! Stop worrying what she thinks. and perhaps when she makes a rude comment you (or your children) say "wow! that was an unpleasant comment!"

Chin up. She's kooky

Bolding and quoting for emphasis! I'll tell you what she is going to do about being ignored - she'll consider that justification for all subsequent behavior she displays from now on! And/or, you'll receive a very public dressing down from your MIL. Similar embittered MIL/grandma here.

Agree that you can't engage. Let the decision to host the event at your club be a firm commitment. Don't let her dissuade you or make you change your plans. My MIL would simply host her own surprise party if she didn't get her way. Yes, she would!

After the party is over, you'll need to tell your DH what happened. You need him to stand up for you and run interference if possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Personally I don't think it is wise to say you can help with X,Y or Z. I'd say you've decided on a venue and we hope you can make it to the party. I'd leave it at that. Don't give her the opportunity to make more waves.

I agree with this. OP do not give her any opening here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Personally I don't think it is wise to say you can help with X,Y or Z. I'd say you've decided on a venue and we hope you can make it to the party. I'd leave it at that. Don't give her the opportunity to make more waves.

if you give her an inch, she will take a mile.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you- to answer a few questions...no its her others sons wife. When I said "we" I really meant me ad my kids

When I first told her I was going to do this, she was lukewarm and said I dont know if X would want such a fuss, which is just the opposite as he LOVES people and has tons of friends so its the perfect way to ring in this birthday. But I told her I though he would like it and I was going to go ahead in the planning.

When my D left the room to change out of her dress I said "wow that was harsh, she loves that dress' to which she replied I believe in honesty and I really think she could do better. Yep thats how blunt she is with everything.

I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Lastly her relationship with my H? Well he was her golden child. The one who did everything right (almost). Great student, athlete, went to ivy league school, great profession, well liked, etc....so shes always really been in awe of him somewhat. To her credit, in his successes he is a lot like her, very driven and overall achieved what they set to do. BUT he is a really nice guy and I think that makes him even more alluring...it that makes sense. So its complicated I think she does like me but resents me at the same time......

I married a golden child too. My MIL hates me enough that she's taking it out on him. We take the approach of never bring alone with her. She's not nasty when she wants to impress whoever else is around.

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Personally I don't think it is wise to say you can help with X,Y or Z. I'd say you've decided on a venue and we hope you can make it to the party. I'd leave it at that. Don't give her the opportunity to make more waves.

Anonymous wrote:OP - You have my sympathy. I read your last thread and thought some of the PPs were too harsh.

I think the PP that suggested you do not engage is spot on. She's not going to change. And what is she going to do, get mad at you for ignoring her? She already is! Stop worrying what she thinks. and perhaps when she makes a rude comment you (or your children) say "wow! that was an unpleasant comment!"

Chin up. She's kooky

ITA. There were many posters who were either the kind of MIL you describe, or posters who just don't know what it is like to have a nasty, self involved, selfish MIL. They should really consider themselves quite lucky.

Anonymous wrote:

OP, she is MIL, and what I have learned are many MILs. As they get older, they sit about playing bridge together and complain about their youthful, vivacious, DILs. It's what they do. Heck, my MIL will attack me during funerals, weddings, births, you name it - she has no boundaries, whatsoever.

Point is, you are not alone. You do not need to answer to this woman. You will never do right by her. If you wait for her to actually be (not talk about - actually "be") happy, inclusive, "live and let live", supportive, helpful, complimentary, anything positive really - it is not going to happen. It is not who she is. She is happier trying to one up you, no matter if it is subtle or not. She is miserable, you are not going to change that. Frankly, I think she is bitter and depressed.

You are not her scapegoat!

You need to leave her out of any plans. If she wants to attend with a smile on her face, fine. If not, she can stay home by herself and complain some more. She is not your problem.

"OP, she is my MIL..." is what I meant to write.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you- to answer a few questions...no its her others sons wife. When I said "we" I really meant me ad my kids

When I first told her I was going to do this, she was lukewarm and said I dont know if X would want such a fuss, which is just the opposite as he LOVES people and has tons of friends so its the perfect way to ring in this birthday. But I told her I though he would like it and I was going to go ahead in the planning.

When my D left the room to change out of her dress I said "wow that was harsh, she loves that dress' to which she replied I believe in honesty and I really think she could do better. Yep thats how blunt she is with everything.

I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Lastly her relationship with my H? Well he was her golden child. The one who did everything right (almost). Great student, athlete, went to ivy league school, great profession, well liked, etc....so shes always really been in awe of him somewhat. To her credit, in his successes he is a lot like her, very driven and overall achieved what they set to do. BUT he is a really nice guy and I think that makes him even more alluring...it that makes sense. So its complicated I think she does like me but resents me at the same time......

Who cares if this bitch likes you or not?

I agree that you need to stop engaging. She's stated her opinion. That doesn't need to influence your decisions/behavior/life.

OP, she is MIL, and what I have learned are many MILs. As they get older, they sit about playing bridge together and complain about their youthful, vivacious, DILs. It's what they do. Heck, my MIL will attack me during funerals, weddings, births, you name it - she has no boundaries, whatsoever.

Point is, you are not alone. You do not need to answer to this woman. You will never do right by her. If you wait for her to actually be (not talk about - actually "be") happy, inclusive, "live and let live", supportive, helpful, complimentary, anything positive really - it is not going to happen. It is not who she is. She is happier trying to one up you, no matter if it is subtle or not. She is miserable, you are not going to change that. Frankly, I think she is bitter and depressed.

You are not her scapegoat!

You need to leave her out of any plans. If she wants to attend with a smile on her face, fine. If not, she can stay home by herself and complain some more. She is not your problem.

Thank you- to answer a few questions...no its her others sons wife. When I said "we" I really meant me ad my kids

When I first told her I was going to do this, she was lukewarm and said I dont know if X would want such a fuss, which is just the opposite as he LOVES people and has tons of friends so its the perfect way to ring in this birthday. But I told her I though he would like it and I was going to go ahead in the planning.

When my D left the room to change out of her dress I said "wow that was harsh, she loves that dress' to which she replied I believe in honesty and I really think she could do better. Yep thats how blunt she is with everything.

I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Lastly her relationship with my H? Well he was her golden child. The one who did everything right (almost). Great student, athlete, went to ivy league school, great profession, well liked, etc....so shes always really been in awe of him somewhat. To her credit, in his successes he is a lot like her, very driven and overall achieved what they set to do. BUT he is a really nice guy and I think that makes him even more alluring...it that makes sense. So its complicated I think she does like me but resents me at the same time......

OP - You have my sympathy. I read your last thread and thought some of the PPs were too harsh.

I think the PP that suggested you do not engage is spot on. She's not going to change. And what is she going to do, get mad at you for ignoring her? She already is! Stop worrying what she thinks. and perhaps when she makes a rude comment you (or your children) say "wow! that was an unpleasant comment!"

Chin up. She's kooky

OP, when you say "we" are planning a party, who is the we? Given what you say about her, it sounds like she is upset to be left out of the party planning. Maybe you could be the one to let her know of plans going forward. Tell her you understand why she'd want to host the party (it IS her son, after all, in her eyes more than it is your husband! ) but that you've decided it's at the country club. Then maybe let her make a couple of other decisions about the party for things you don't really care as much about.

She was bitchy to your daughter. There's nothing you can do about it except equip your daughter to develop a tough skin around "unhappy Grandma" and know that she should not take it personally. That's also an instance where you could gently say something to your MIL afterwards, just letting her know that she hurt your daughter's feelings and leaving it at that. No need to get all deep into it.

You mentioned a SIL. Is that her daughter? If so, what does she say about how her mom is acting and feeling these days? Does she have any advice for you on how to deal with your MIL? Can you share a little more about her relationship with your DH? Is she one of those MIL's who can't get over the fact that she's not the #1 lady in her son's life anymore?

Keep being upbeat, learn how to slough off her bad moods and craziness.

You are under no obligation to call this morning. She was the one who suggested it. Do not engage. Just go about your business today, tomorrow and the next day. DO NOT CALL HER. I'm sure she'll bring it up at some point. To which you'll respond: "I'm still planning to throw the party at the club. Do you think it's going to rain later this afternoon? I left the windows open..."

To summarize: Stop engaging with her. Speak when spoken to and respond in short statements.

So I posted a few weeks ago on my impossible MIL. I got all kinds of advice, some good and some well...lets just say I don't agree. So here is the latest- we are planning a surprise 50th for my husband in July. We belong to a club and thats where I decided i wanted to do it. Yesterday she called in a huff because she got wind of it through my sister in law and literally started almost yelling as to why I did not ask her first!!!!!! She said SHE wanted to host it in her home and that she found it "rude" that I pushed her aside and chose the venue.

One minor detail it is I who is throwing this party not her. Shes not even a part of it. Once again I feel like this is her way to wanting the attention to be on her. The club makes perfect sense for so many reasons, too many to count and my mind is made up. I told her this very nicely but she was still indignant and got off saying why don't you sleep on it and let me know in the morning. I was so stunned I could barely sleep all night. I cannot even tell my H because its a surprise. I feel like her tirades are becoming a weekly deal.

She stopped by to pick up something the other day and my D home from college from spring break showed her a dress she is wearing to a formal at another school (her boyfriends) and she tried it on and really look fantastic I might add and the first thing out of MIL's mouth is "the color makes you look too washed out I vote to keep searching"! Do you think she could have biten her lip and showed a bit of restraint? My D was very hurt, as we both loved the dress and i truly honestly think she said it on purpose. I do not think she meant it.

I am really at my wits end here, not sure what to do about her increasingly impossible behavior. I am really thinking shes not happy and want to reach out and speak to her but know she will put up that brick wall. I am just not sure whats going on but her attitude makes no one want to be around her. She is the epitome of having all the perks in life but not the one thing you really need to be able to enjoy them, inner happiness. She lives in a magnificent home, drives an expensive car, dresses beautifully,travels, eats well, etc....but at the end of the day she is still this very sour and bitter person. I finally also realized its my upbeat positive energy that makes her crazy and why I thought she was jealous to begin with. Any advice on how to treat this when I call her this morning after "I slept on it".