Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your fil was way out of line. Who brings up health issues like that infront of people at a restaurant. Your mother felt threatened and she reacted.

Yes. Invite everyone for Easter. Tell everyone that certain topics are off limits. Talk to your mom privately about meds.

More importantly, tell your FIL NOT to bring up your mother's health or medications!!! I cannot believe how clueless some MDs are when it comes to mental illness.

My mother-in-law has schizophrenia.

One of the things that made me fall in love with my husband was the way he treated and spoke to both his mother and any mentally ill street person. He is so compassionate and knows how to keep mentally ill people calm and feel heard. Hopefully your sons can learn these traits.

Your mother cannot help how she acts. She would change if she could. Your FIL was out of line and very out-of-touch in knowing how to deal with a person with any mental illness. I would have a talk with your FIL and, of course, invite your mother to a family get-together as long as she isn't violent.

Anonymous wrote:Your fil was way out of line. Who brings up health issues like that infront of people at a restaurant. Your mother felt threatened and she reacted.

Yes. Invite everyone for Easter. Tell everyone that certain topics are off limits. Talk to your mom privately about meds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your mother would have flipped out about something else in the restaurant if your FIL had said nothing.

You dont know this to be true; it was completely wrong of FIL to bring it up. What's up with that dynamic, op? Why did he feel like he had permission to do that? (And,yes, of course she should still be on the meds.)

Absolutely true! I have had wonderful times with my sister when she is off meds and wonderful times with her when she is on meds. I've had horrible times with her when when she is on meds and horrible times with her when she is off meds.
I have found medication to be a stabilizer not a cureall. Sure being on her meds is better for your sister and my mother that is true of any disease.
But having a disease does not take away their right to be treated with dignity or to feel normal human emotions. Their being ill does not give us the right to lecture them like children at the dinner table and then become shocked when they get upset.

A better thing to do would have been to change the subject an address the medication concern in private.

I get it OP I do. My life was hell growing up with my sister. She was 30 before she was diagnosed and sought treatment. I initially made it my mission every time I interacted with her to seek out pathology , quiz her about her health and if she was on meds, and subtly punish her for the years of abuse.

Of course she would be come annoyed with me and I would deflect it all and blame her and her illness.

About 5 years ago I became close friends with a woman I met through work. I eventually ended up sharing with her that my sister has bipolar disorder and what a PITA she can be. She agreed with me. Well after one of my interactions with my sister this lady shared with me that years before her sibling who had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder committed suicide and her biggest regret was that she had reduced him to being his illness that like me their every encounter she took it upon herself to look for pathology and quiz him about his health instead of just enjoying him in the good moments. Her words struck a chord with me.
Now I can't tell you things with my sister are perfect, but they are better and I can tell you she is more open to hearing from me when I have concerns than before
I know mothers and sisters are different just thought I'd share.

Your fil was way out of line. Who brings up health issues like that infront of people at a restaurant. Your mother felt threatened and she reacted.

I think you should be careful how you approach this with your sons.
It's likely at least one of them will be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
You don't want to plant the seed that they are some evil being to be ignored and avoided by the entire family.
How you teach them about it will impact how they go about seeking treatment for themselves.

Bipolar disorder runs in my family, so I have a lot of experience with this. You and others are right, this is part of the cycle of bipolar disorder. They take medication until they feel fine, and then they don't want to take it anymore because they feel dulled by it and miss the highs. So they go off the medication and get steadily worse until some crisis hits and they agree to go back on their medication. This will continue unless/until your mother accepts the reality of her diagnosis and the fact that she will always need medication.

What to do now depends on your priorities here. You don't mention the ages of your boys, but I think that's a factor based on the extent to which they can appreciate what bipolar disorder is and how it affects your mother. If they're too young for that and the scene at the restaurant was upsetting to your children, you are perfectly within your rights to say to your mother that what happened at the restaurant was too upsetting for your children, and you're not going to have them around her if she's not on her medication. As your children get older and can understand better what the disorder is about, you can decide whether to loosen up on this if it's not going to upset them the same way.

My mother has Alzheimer's Disease and can be quite goofy and difficult to understand at times. DS, six, is not the least bit embarrassed by her and he is very loving and protective of her. He understands that she can't help how she acts. Every night he tells her, "I love you no matter what".


Don't blame your mother for behavior she can't control. I have heard of so many people with bipolar going off their medication because they feel they don't need it - it is a symptom of the disease. Explain to your children that their grandmother is ill and how she can't help how she acts.

Please remember, OP, that both of our mothers would do the right thing if they could.

Anonymous wrote:your mother would have flipped out about something else in the restaurant if your FIL had said nothing.

You dont know this to be true; it was completely wrong of FIL to bring it up. What's up with that dynamic, op? Why did he feel like he had permission to do that? (And,yes, of course she should still be on the meds.)

They always think they don't need their meds when they are up cycling. She has decided not to take her medication because she is not "in her right mind". And, your know what, OP - your mother would have flipped out about something else in the restaurant if your FIL had said nothing. Your Mom is mentally ill. It is not her fault. Of course you should invite her to your son's birthday party.

You and FIL went looking for a scene and an argument and you got one.

Funny how that works.

Do revoke the invitation for Easter dinner from your mom.
I suggest you also do the same for your FIL since it's unpredictable which of your other guests he will be inappropriate with.

Oh OP, a big big hug. You can only get it if you have been there and I have. My mom has borderline personality disorder and is extremely volatile, unpredictable and similar to your mom, lives only in the present (freaking out and then not acknowledging that it happened soon after). I have been there with the scenes in restaurants. And I think our moms also sound similar in that they can sometimes be high functioning, so it is jarring when they remind us just how ill they are. I'm sorry your boys had to see that. My son is only 2, but I worry about that as well. Just remember, we were trapped under their roof as children, but your boys are not. Likely it won't be as traumatizing for them as it was for you. Sorry I don't have too much advice, just support.

Well your FIL was way out of line.
TBH it would be good for all of you to be educated on how to interact with someone with bipolar disorder.

Your FIL was wrong to go all Doctor on her in a social setting, when he's not HER doctor. He's right in what he says. She will crash and accept her need for medication. Then she'll feel better and go off. It's a typical cycle.

Explain to your boys that Grandma is unwell in the head. That if they need medication, they are to take it until the doctor says they don't need to anymore, and some medications, you have to take your whole life, and that's what Grandma has, but she's not taking it. Why? Because she's unwell in the head.

I would not want to do Easter with her either.

My mom suffers from bi-polar disorder. Growing up around her was tough, but it's been a little more bearable now that I'm an adult and not around her 24/7. My whole family went out for my sisters birthday and my FIL asked my mother about her health and how the treatment ( medication) was working. My mom replied that she has stopped taking her pills. Her logic is " A person should only take them until the become balanced and it's no longer needed after that. I feel great". My FIL is a MD and grew concerned. He explained to her that this is false. The reasom she is feeling better is the medication and she needs to continue. I guess it's common to stop the use of meds once they feel better. Well my mom flipped out and made a big scene. She was screaming and we were kicked out of a restaurant. She then states " see...I'm fine. I haven't taken it I'm x weeks and I haven't flipped out." She did just minutes before. We have two young boys and it's traumatizing. I promised myself I would not let see that. We have a big Easter dinner early since we are all in town and half of the family wants to uninvite. I agree her logic is seriously flawed and she needs the medication, but I feel bad univiting her. I don't know too much about BPD but I would assume the statement about balancing out out and stopping is wrong, correct? WWYD in this situation?