Anonymous wrote:It's just so hard . I see families that work so well together and I wonder why can't we be that?
Why can't we fix it?
Why can't I fix it?
I know there's a lot of generational damage so no one in my family really knows how to be in a family.
On the surface we try to project this image that it's all good but it's not . It's better than when I was a child but still very toxic.

You CAN fix it! You can create the family that you want. You can be the parents that you didn't have. You just have to look forward. I am personally in the position to carry a lot of resentment and anger. I could be in such a different place in my life had I had normal, supportive parents, but that's not life. I don't know how, or when even, but I simply accept it. I try to understand the impact it has on my adult life and I can guarantee that I will be such a different parent to my children. I accept my parents for who they are. I don't even think my mother, single mother, has any idea of the amount of damage she caused. Honestly, she doesn't need to know. I want her to be her happiest self and me to be mine. I want happiness in my life, not drama, so I moved on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just so hard . I see families that work so well together and I wonder why can't we be that?
Why can't we fix it?
Why can't I fix it?
I know there's a lot of generational damage so no one in my family really knows how to be in a family.
On the surface we try to project this image that it's all good but it's not . It's better than when I was a child but still very toxic.

You probably can't. I have answered this question for myself and have realized that the only way I can make things better is by breaking dysfunctional cycles. I try to be a better parent, a better spouse, and a better sibling. By no means am I perfect, but I have made great personal strides.

I agree with this. I don't think i can even fix myself, to be honest, but I know that I am doing better for my daughter and she will have a healthy, good-enough start at life.

Anonymous wrote:It's just so hard . I see families that work so well together and I wonder why can't we be that?
Why can't we fix it?
Why can't I fix it?
I know there's a lot of generational damage so no one in my family really knows how to be in a family.
On the surface we try to project this image that it's all good but it's not . It's better than when I was a child but still very toxic.

You probably can't. I have answered this question for myself and have realized that the only way I can make things better is by breaking dysfunctional cycles. I try to be a better parent, a better spouse, and a better sibling. By no means am I perfect, but I have made great personal strides.

Anonymous wrote:It's just so hard . I see families that work so well together and I wonder why can't we be that?
Why can't we fix it?
Why can't I fix it?
I know there's a lot of generational damage so no one in my family really knows how to be in a family.
On the surface we try to project this image that it's all good but it's not . It's better than when I was a child but still very toxic.

OP, this is a hallmark of childhood trauma and co-dependency. I spent two years in therapy to sort this out, and it was immensely beneficial. That investment in myself freed me to love me and to know the boundaries between what is and is not under my control. You cannot fix other people, only yourself. I know the sadness, confusion and hurt that you feel, but it doesn't have to be that way.

By accepting that you cannot control other people, only yourself.

I have hardly any relationship at all with my younger sister and father who live 1000 miles away. Both are difficult and I have accepted that they are who they are and that the physical, mental and emotional distance is a blessing. Contact is limited and that is okay.

My mother is never going to be an involved grandparent. She had a shitty role model in my grandparents and, after many years of raising kids on her own, has reverted to a kind of narcissistic teenage phase. She spends her time traveling with her boyfriend, and working a mindless part time job for supplemental income. She was a strong role model for me growing up in many ways and I've come to the conclusion t hat its hard to begrudge her this phase of her life.

I have a wonderful husband and son, a great job, a great house and friends whose acceptance, wisdom and love is an amazing gift. I focus on people with whom I can have a close relationship, whether it is biological or not. Shared DNA is not a guarantee of love, acceptance or support.

Anonymous wrote:
By killing the should's and if-only's.

I'd catch myself thinking a certain way and just shut it down. It helped a lot.

Excellent advice here.

And once you kill the shoulds and if-onlys, learn also to stop looking at other people's supposedly perfect relationships and pining for something like that. So easy to do -- "They have what I wish I had." You have no way to know if those enviable relationships are perfect, or horrific but well covered up, or are good but only got that way with infinite work and patience that you can't see from where you stand.

Then: Go out and fill the hole in the relationships with other relationships. If the problem is parents/siblings/etc., focus on your spouse/significant other/kids. Or your friends, and interests that really matter to you, if there are no SO/kids etc. Or volunteer to work with people who don't have time to think about shoulds and if-onlys in their relationships because they only have time to figure out how to get food, shelter or clothing. It really puts things into perspective.

Age. I started reaching the point where I realized I run my own show and I make all my own choices.

TBH, marriage and kids helped a lot - it gave me an obvious reason to set boundaries that was grounded in more than just my internal "stuff".

The first couple of times I had to draw a hard line in the sand were the worst - once I got past those it was easier for me, less dramatic in reality than I had feared, and less startling for my parents when I refused to just go along w/ whatever they wanted or were doing.

I also found and really spend time cultivating a couple of deep, true friends. I have people I can talk with who aren't my family and they have gotten me through some tough times.

Now, I try to focus my energy on being a decent parent to my kids and protecting them from the family insanity, while still allowing relationships w/ grandparents etc... Seeing that as my primary mission helps me enormously in deciding how to manage things.

Good luck OP.

My parents are assholes. I started to really accept that at around 30. I can be around them a couple of times a year, but I'm done being wistful for what should have been and resentful over what's not. I just have to make an effort not to think too much about how unfair their selfishness is to my children -- THAT still makes me angry.

By killing the should's and if-only's.

I'd catch myself thinking a certain way and just shut it down. It helped a lot.

Going through it now.

I think part of it is my concern about what others will think (as if the poor relationships are a reflection on me, which maybe they are). This is especially hard in the era of FB. Then there's also my judgmental/naive younger self with whom I always have to argue.

Once you've shut those voices, it's better. I focus more and more on my husband and children and just trying to maintain ties with everyone else.

Sometimes you just have to give relationships time. I do think the thirties-forties tend to be very spouse/kid focused and then that changes as we get older and try to reach out to the people who knew us in our childhood.

It's just so hard . I see families that work so well together and I wonder why can't we be that?
Why can't we fix it?
Why can't I fix it?
I know there's a lot of generational damage so no one in my family really knows how to be in a family.
On the surface we try to project this image that it's all good but it's not . It's better than when I was a child but still very toxic.

I went through a mourning period, to be honest. I grew up wanting my parents to become "the close grandparents" when I grew up and had kids. I wanted them to live no more than an hour away, and we'd visit once a week, they'd come to all our kids things just like my mom's parents came to all our things, they'd stay with my kids when DH and I had to travel, etc.

Turns out my parents can't be that, for many reasons. And I had to accept that, and be sad about it, and mentally re-build the village around my kids that I want them to have.

Subject says it all. Is it possible without cutting ties?