Anonymous
03/10/2015 13:51
Subject: Re:Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
My sister is like this, even though she's a size 5/6 and used to be an 18/20. She comments on it ALL.THE.TIME.
Luckily this is a sister relationship and not a marriage, but I said to her, "look, you're in great shape. you look awesome. I'm telling you this because I am no longer going to respond to the constant 'I'm fat' remarks because I really truly believe what I just said, and because I don't think it is healthy for YOU to feel this way. I wish you'd work on seeing yourself as others see you."
Now I follow up and don't respond/change the subject on her. She's not fat. I can't help her to think that she is OR isn't. It is SO difficult for both parties. I'm sorry OP. Glad you're trying.
Luckily this is a sister relationship and not a marriage, but I said to her, "look, you're in great shape. you look awesome. I'm telling you this because I am no longer going to respond to the constant 'I'm fat' remarks because I really truly believe what I just said, and because I don't think it is healthy for YOU to feel this way. I wish you'd work on seeing yourself as others see you."
Now I follow up and don't respond/change the subject on her. She's not fat. I can't help her to think that she is OR isn't. It is SO difficult for both parties. I'm sorry OP. Glad you're trying.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 13:45
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh it's not about YOU or what YOU think or sex with YOU. There's not much you can say. Try a conversation instead.
"why don't you think you look good?"
"I think you look good, why don't you?"
"You want to lose 10lbs? why?"
"What happens when you lose 10lbs? Are you going to be happy then? or will it start over?"
"You just lost a lot of weight. How much is enough?"
If it's not at all about me, then shouldn't I just ignore the matter like I do with other things that are none of my concern?
But, ignoring that first bit, which is inconsistent with the second bit, I expect the conversation would go like this:
"Why don't you think you look good?"
I'm fat.
"I think you look good, why don't you?"
(It's not about me, so why am I asking this question?)
I'm fat. You have to say I look good, and you don't know what your talking about.
"You want to lose 10lbs? why?"
Because I'm fat, I want to look good in more clothes, I want to have more of my waist, I want to occasionally eat something without having to count calories, I feel ugly.
"You just lost a lot of weight. How much is enough?"
I lost 40 pounds two years ago. Since then I've barely lost any even though I work out every day and pay close attention to what I eat. My goal weight is to lose 30 pounds more.
Honestly, I don't tend to say a lot during these conversations because: a) she's not really looking for my advice or anything; and b)responses can be such a minefield. I mostly just listen. But I came here and asked the question because I wanted to see what other people (women in particular) found helpful, if anything.
And, I guess PPs knee jerk "ugh it's not about you" rubbed me the wrong way because she's wrong. It's a relationship. What affects her affects me and vice versa. (That's the nature of relationships). So, it is at least somewhat about me. That's why I laid out a couple of prime motivations - because I care about her and I care about me.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 13:25
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
OP, I think you're doing ok with what you're saying. When she says, "you have to say that," you can say, "no, I choose to say it because it's true. You are a tougher judge of yourself than I am of you."
As a woman, I get frustrated when women put themselves down. If you're unhappy with your body, do something about it, and if it doesn't work, accept it. I don't really see the point of body image complaints if they are not backed up by any kind of action. At 42, I am not 100% happy with my body - my metabolism has slowed - but I do what I can and I keep quiet about it for the most part.
As a woman, I get frustrated when women put themselves down. If you're unhappy with your body, do something about it, and if it doesn't work, accept it. I don't really see the point of body image complaints if they are not backed up by any kind of action. At 42, I am not 100% happy with my body - my metabolism has slowed - but I do what I can and I keep quiet about it for the most part.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 13:16
Subject: Re:Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Sometimes I just wish my husband would turn to me and say "You know what? I want you just as much now as I did 10 pounds ago. You are as beautiful to me right now as you were then, and I really mean it." To women, those 10 pounds are a massive amount whereas to a man, it could be it is something he barely notices. But if I knew he wanted me as much now as then, I could let those stupid 10 extra pounds since the birth of my DS go. It's all so mental.
Kudos to you OP for caring! You sound like a great husband.
Kudos to you OP for caring! You sound like a great husband.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 13:14
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My wife has body image issues. Objectively, she's nearing 40, has had kids, and has always battled her weight. Subjectively, I don't care. I think she looks great. It really bothers her though. I tell her she looks good. My comments don't hurt, but they don't seem to help much, if at all. I get some variation of "you have to say that." I enthusiastically and appreciatively enjoy every inch of her during sex. She works really hard at exercising and eating right. For a year or two, this produced steady results. For the last year or two, she has kind of plateaued at a level where she's not really satisfied. And it bums her out.
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
So, my question for ladies who have struggled with similar issues is how, if at all, can your husband helpfully respond to your stated (or unstated) body image complaints. Is this one of those situations where a guy can easily hurt (e.g. "yeah, you look awful") but can't do much to help (e.g. "you look great, let me explore that body of yours!")?
Dude. You are allowed to be annoyed as fuck by her self-loathing. Don't get sucked into the trap. It's NOT your job to constantly offer reassurances, since as you've noted, they have no impact at all. The best you can do is take care of yourself, say nothing at all to validate or invalidate, and protect your children from absorbing her attitude/issues, especially if you have girls.
WOW. What OP did _you_ read??
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:55
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Ugh it's not about YOU or what YOU think or sex with YOU. There's not much you can say. Try a conversation instead.
"why don't you think you look good?"
"I think you look good, why don't you?"
"You want to lose 10lbs? why?"
"What happens when you lose 10lbs? Are you going to be happy then? or will it start over?"
"You just lost a lot of weight. How much is enough?"
"why don't you think you look good?"
"I think you look good, why don't you?"
"You want to lose 10lbs? why?"
"What happens when you lose 10lbs? Are you going to be happy then? or will it start over?"
"You just lost a lot of weight. How much is enough?"
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:54
Subject: Re:Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
First, OP, you're a GREAT husband. And your stated "self-centered husband" concern is completely valid.
I agree with PPs that, other than continuing to do what you're doing, you may not be able to change how your wife feels about her body. It's in her head and probably doesn't have anything to do with what you say or do.
What I think you can do, though, are two things:
1) Tell your wife why her body image issues concern you. You want her to feel good about herself, and want her to feel good about sex with you and the way you enjoy sex with her. Frankly, I'd tell her almost exactly what you put in your post, with heavy emphasis on the fact that you love her body and love sex with her, and want her to love it too. She may not realize that her body image issues impact you, too, but that's something she should know. She CAN change how she feels about herself, and realizing there's an impact on you may provide the push needed to do that.
2) Ask her what, if anything, you can do to help her feel better about her body. Maybe there's something in particular she thinks would help - we don't know her so can't guess what that might be.
I agree with PPs that, other than continuing to do what you're doing, you may not be able to change how your wife feels about her body. It's in her head and probably doesn't have anything to do with what you say or do.
What I think you can do, though, are two things:
1) Tell your wife why her body image issues concern you. You want her to feel good about herself, and want her to feel good about sex with you and the way you enjoy sex with her. Frankly, I'd tell her almost exactly what you put in your post, with heavy emphasis on the fact that you love her body and love sex with her, and want her to love it too. She may not realize that her body image issues impact you, too, but that's something she should know. She CAN change how she feels about herself, and realizing there's an impact on you may provide the push needed to do that.
2) Ask her what, if anything, you can do to help her feel better about her body. Maybe there's something in particular she thinks would help - we don't know her so can't guess what that might be.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:52
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Don't give the cliched comments. They sound empty and hollow to me.
Cook food that's healthy and tastes good. Invite me to go for hikes, or shoot baskets or other things that will be fun and burn calories.
Cook food that's healthy and tastes good. Invite me to go for hikes, or shoot baskets or other things that will be fun and burn calories.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:51
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Anonymous wrote:My wife has body image issues. Objectively, she's nearing 40, has had kids, and has always battled her weight. Subjectively, I don't care. I think she looks great. It really bothers her though. I tell her she looks good. My comments don't hurt, but they don't seem to help much, if at all. I get some variation of "you have to say that." I enthusiastically and appreciatively enjoy every inch of her during sex. She works really hard at exercising and eating right. For a year or two, this produced steady results. For the last year or two, she has kind of plateaued at a level where she's not really satisfied. And it bums her out.
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
So, my question for ladies who have struggled with similar issues is how, if at all, can your husband helpfully respond to your stated (or unstated) body image complaints. Is this one of those situations where a guy can easily hurt (e.g. "yeah, you look awful") but can't do much to help (e.g. "you look great, let me explore that body of yours!")?
Dude. You are allowed to be annoyed as fuck by her self-loathing. Don't get sucked into the trap. It's NOT your job to constantly offer reassurances, since as you've noted, they have no impact at all. The best you can do is take care of yourself, say nothing at all to validate or invalidate, and protect your children from absorbing her attitude/issues, especially if you have girls.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:48
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
OP, you're a good guy. Honestly, if it were me, this bit right here that you told us, is probably pretty similar to what I'd need to hear. Preface it with, "I love you and think you look great." And then drop it, because there's only so much you can do. She's got to get to this place herself.
+1
I have similar issues. My DH makes it very obvious that he still desires me (and it is very quickly obvious) . But I feel so self-conscious sometimes. Unfortunately, it's all in the woman's head. Just keep what your doing OP. My DH hasn't let up in letting me know how much he still desires me after 15 yrs together and 2 kids. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.
+100
I had horrible stretch marks my first pregnancy along with a lot of weight gain so I was very self conscious but DH assured me that I was still all right in his eyes, still desirable, and that helped me get through it. Someone to hold and listen to me when I was feeling down, just to be there.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:31
Subject: Re:Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
She needs to wrap her head around the fact that there are *plenty* of men who love full figured women, instead of the size 2-6 the media touts as "ideal". She thinks it is just you saying it because you're her husband and being nice. If only she knew how many men are attracted to her body type. I am fuller figured, and somehow my DH made me realize how much I am looked at by other men. I didn't listen for a long time, and then all of a sudden, I noticed. It helped me. I also just got more comfortable with "me".
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:30
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
OP, you're a good guy. Honestly, if it were me, this bit right here that you told us, is probably pretty similar to what I'd need to hear. Preface it with, "I love you and think you look great." And then drop it, because there's only so much you can do. She's got to get to this place herself.
+1
I have similar issues. My DH makes it very obvious that he still desires me (and it is very quickly obvious
) . But I feel so self-conscious sometimes. Unfortunately, it's all in the woman's head. Just keep what your doing OP. My DH hasn't let up in letting me know how much he still desires me after 15 yrs together and 2 kids. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:26
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
Anonymous wrote:
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
OP, you're a good guy. Honestly, if it were me, this bit right here that you told us, is probably pretty similar to what I'd need to hear. Preface it with, "I love you and think you look great." And then drop it, because there's only so much you can do. She's got to get to this place herself.
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:19
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
When you see women who are slightly larger than her in magazines or tv or out (because I assume size is the issue?) make a point of saying they look good or you like that body type.
Don't be too obvious or weird or gross about it, but make it clear over time that you actually, genuinely, enjoy and desire the type of women who look like her (or make her feel that she looks better than those women).
Don't be too obvious or weird or gross about it, but make it clear over time that you actually, genuinely, enjoy and desire the type of women who look like her (or make her feel that she looks better than those women).
Anonymous
03/10/2015 12:07
Subject: Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?
My wife has body image issues. Objectively, she's nearing 40, has had kids, and has always battled her weight. Subjectively, I don't care. I think she looks great. It really bothers her though. I tell her she looks good. My comments don't hurt, but they don't seem to help much, if at all. I get some variation of "you have to say that." I enthusiastically and appreciatively enjoy every inch of her during sex. She works really hard at exercising and eating right. For a year or two, this produced steady results. For the last year or two, she has kind of plateaued at a level where she's not really satisfied. And it bums her out.
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
So, my question for ladies who have struggled with similar issues is how, if at all, can your husband helpfully respond to your stated (or unstated) body image complaints. Is this one of those situations where a guy can easily hurt (e.g. "yeah, you look awful") but can't do much to help (e.g. "you look great, let me explore that body of yours!")?
As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.
So, my question for ladies who have struggled with similar issues is how, if at all, can your husband helpfully respond to your stated (or unstated) body image complaints. Is this one of those situations where a guy can easily hurt (e.g. "yeah, you look awful") but can't do much to help (e.g. "you look great, let me explore that body of yours!")?