This might start with getting her siblings to agree to a new plan of attack with their father. A huge part of the problem is that if your wife stops her part in all this, her siblings will be really resentful. So your DW will have to deal with an unhappy father, but also unhappy siblings. They all need to agree to stop their part in the dysfunction.

However. You don't say if your wife thinks this is a problem or not. When you talk to her, don't use "you always" statements. Say things like "when you xyz I feel abc". That's key to keeping people from immediately getting defensive.

Unless in critical condition or hospice, why does dw or anyone have to be at bedside 24 hours a day?? Can't even sleep elsewhere and be there during waking hours??

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. DH used to be like this with MIL, who enjoys illnesses because of the attention she receives. She's an incredible narcissist and also an alcoholic with lots of health problems, which meant DH was always ready to jump on a plane for the most minor health issues. There was nothing I could say without sounding like a total jerk. Therapy helped him see how thoroughly dysfunctional his family was and is, and he's drawn much clearer boundaries now.

How did you get to therapy? How did you even bring up this topic in a way that didn't turn your spouse off/make him defensive?

Therapy. DH used to be like this with MIL, who enjoys illnesses because of the attention she receives. She's an incredible narcissist and also an alcoholic with lots of health problems, which meant DH was always ready to jump on a plane for the most minor health issues. There was nothing I could say without sounding like a total jerk. Therapy helped him see how thoroughly dysfunctional his family was and is, and he's drawn much clearer boundaries now.

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of why ppl need to consider ALL the ramifications of divorce--look at the burden it places on your children for your care if you don't remarry. This situation is dysfunctional but I don't know what positive outcome will yield from saying anything. You will be the anti family scrooge who is satisfied with leaving poor dad to fend for himself. Sorry but you are kind of quietly screwed

+1. Divorce lasts forever. And the impact on the grandchildren too.

My dad called me last year, said he was going to divorce his second wife - who I can't stand. The first words out of my mouth were "I'm not taking you." They worked it out.

Perfect example of why ppl need to consider ALL the ramifications of divorce--look at the burden it places on your children for your care if you don't remarry. This situation is dysfunctional but I don't know what positive outcome will yield from saying anything. You will be the anti family scrooge who is satisfied with leaving poor dad to fend for himself. Sorry but you are kind of quietly screwed

Difficult situation op bc if you say anything to her she will guaranteed get defensive and dig in more- you will be painter as insensitive bad guy

Yes, my own experiences with watching DH deal with his family's dysfunction is to try and point out how it's impacting US and encourage therapy - but truly there's little you can do. (But your FIL sounds like a big baby that needs to get a life and stop manipulating his kids - who pays for all of this travel? You?)

I think your concerns are valid. Your observations are sound. But the thing is, this is your wife's family. It has operated like this probably for her entire life. You can say to her "Do you think you need to go right now? Do you think you can wait a day and see how serious things are?" But you can't make her into a different person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you get the wife to agree the sibs will agree they will only set up the round robin if FIL needs a certain level of care: if he's having in-patient surgery, for example.

Doesn't sound like OP's wife would agree to anything like this when she seems just as anxious as her father

+1

This is difficult, OP. Hate to say it, but the family sounds dysfunctional.

Anonymous wrote:What if you get the wife to agree the sibs will agree they will only set up the round robin if FIL needs a certain level of care: if he's having in-patient surgery, for example.

Doesn't sound like OP's wife would agree to anything like this when she seems just as anxious as her father

What if you get the wife to agree the sibs will agree they will only set up the round robin if FIL needs a certain level of care: if he's having in-patient surgery, for example.

complicated situation but will try to sum it up concisely.

-dw's parents are divorced for 20+years, neither remarried, they live across country from us
-fil isn't aging well, health-wise, but is only in his 60s.
-dw has 3 siblings, neither lives in same state as in laws, or us
-fil has always been demanding. i think he is also depressed/highly anxious/hypochondriac. since he lives alone, he has a lot of help, like friends domestic help, and part-time health aides.
-fil expects dw and her sibs to hop on a plane immediately for every health issue, appointment, etc no matter minor or undetermined. dw and her sibs argue and guilt trip each other over who has to go, when, and for how long.
-my concerns: fil has no regard for dw and sibs' jobs. i worry about dw's boss getting fed up with the frequency and last minute nature of time-off requests. example- bil was visiting fil and fil wasn't feeling well. fil insisted on going to ER and he was checked into hospital for observation. fil was in good spirits the whole time, watching tv, reading magazines, and playing on his smartphone. bil was scheduled to leave town in 2 days. my wife got a call from her brother to fly down there to "relieve him" and put in a 2 day shift at his bedside until the next sibling could get down there "because dad needs someone with him at all times." i asked my wife if one of his friends or health aides could sit with him instead of her running down there on a moment's notice. not an option.
-i'm also concerned that fil's anxiety and inability to be alone/without his children has turned my dw (and her sibs) into an incredibly anxious, fearful person. i'm also concerned that dw and her sibs are feeding this cycle and it's unhealthy for all. imo, dw enables the anxiety and inability to be alone/without the kids. like i stated earlier, i'm worried about dw's flippancy re: her job. fil wanted to have someone at his bedside literally 24 hours a day. this pattern replays itself more times a year than i can count.
-i don't know where to stand in all of this. i don't have a right to tell my wife how to manage her relationship with her father or to implement boundaries, but i'm concerned about how this increasingly affects her job, our income, and our family. fil isn't that old, this could go on for decades. dw and sibs also have strained relationships over this, because someone is always saying, "i dealt with him last time, someone else take care of it."

i hope this made sense. i'd like to hear thoughts on what to keep to myself, what to share with dw, etc. thanks.