Anonymous
03/06/2015 10:34
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know this is small potatoes compared to lots of family issues here -- but what does retirement look like for immigrants you know in the U.S.?
My parents are Indian and came here in the 1970s, so it's not like they are unacclimated to the U.S. or are like the parents who come from India for a few months at a time. They had 30+ yr careers here and retired about 5 yrs ago. When they were working and raising kids -- life was busy. They made NO effort to carve out a social life -- not sure why -- didn't want to make the effort and never particularly liked or clicked with anyone so they didn't get on the dawat (dinner party) circuit that lots of Indians have; they had 2 couple friends also from India who were dad's friends back in HS and college; one couple friend lives in a city 2+ hrs away -- they do make an effort to see them about every 2 months. The other couple friend -- the DH in that couple passed away and the wife has "moved on" from the old friends. So now my parents are in my hometown with NO connections whatsoever -- not with neighbors; haven't kept in touch with coworkers; and no established social life.
Thing is -- they lament this. Sometimes directly. Sometimes on days like today when they see a neighbor shoveling out another neighbor's driveway I get to hear "why is he shoveling THEIR driveway, he won't touch ours." (Um maybe bc THEY have at least talked to him casually in the last 30 yrs while you've found excuses not to.)
I don't know what I'm really asking -- besides experiences. I feel bad. But I know they'll make no effort to change. They don't want to involve themselves in anything community oriented -- i.e. they mock their couple friend 2 hrs away that has taken on volunteer tasks like helping prepare taxes for people in the spring. They are not a part of the Indian community in their area, and frankly isn't an option; while there are lots of Indians in the area most "activities" are through the "cultural" center which is geared towards Hindus. (I'm sure it's open to all Indians but 99% of people who participate are Hindu). My parents are devout Muslim and wouldn't go to even secular activities there -- and frankly knowing a lot of Indians in that area, I can see "what are YOU doing here, you're not Hindu" kind of comments. As for mosques -- there is one, but it's a tiny congregation and there's nothing to get involved in -- no activities or committees or anything. So is retirement just going to consist of talking to their extended family on the phone a few hrs a day, reading the newspaper a few hrs a day, and then watching the irritating Indian channels on TV!? Is there a way to make it more "exciting" or at least interesting?
OP, I think their best bet is to mingle with the Indian senior community. I don't buy the Hindu-Muslim divide thing. There are always a few bad apples, I don't deny that. Culturally though , they may fit in there better, for starters. You may want to get them started until they get the hang of it.
Agree. It's got to be a 2 way street though. If your parents wouldn't even go to the secular activities, it's hard to reason why they would make friends with anyone there.
I'm Hindu, my elderly aunt is Muslim and stays with me for months at a time. She has come with me to Temple functions, to my kids' religious ed classes, to dinners with my community friends. She's always very friendly, greets everyone and smiles and then eventually will make her way to a chair and read the Quran, even at the temple. There has never been any issues and she's never felt unwelcome, but she also puts herself out there and is very cordial.
They have to be in charge of making their life more 'exciting' and find what they are willing to do within their comfort zone. Would you consider moving them closer to you or in with you?
Anonymous
03/06/2015 10:16
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
Have they tried any senior activities in your community. My retired, widowed mom goes to senior bingo with a friend just to get out of the house on Mondays. She also joined a learn to play bridge club to keep her mind active to fill Tuesdays. She goes to the senior movie discount day on Wed. She goes grocery shopping/Target/etc. shopping on the fourth day. She visits us one or two days a week to watch her grand kids sporting events. She told me the activities force her to get out of the house if not she said she would get depressed.
Anonymous
03/06/2015 10:02
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
Anonymous wrote:I know this is small potatoes compared to lots of family issues here -- but what does retirement look like for immigrants you know in the U.S.?
My parents are Indian and came here in the 1970s, so it's not like they are unacclimated to the U.S. or are like the parents who come from India for a few months at a time. They had 30+ yr careers here and retired about 5 yrs ago. When they were working and raising kids -- life was busy. They made NO effort to carve out a social life -- not sure why -- didn't want to make the effort and never particularly liked or clicked with anyone so they didn't get on the dawat (dinner party) circuit that lots of Indians have; they had 2 couple friends also from India who were dad's friends back in HS and college; one couple friend lives in a city 2+ hrs away -- they do make an effort to see them about every 2 months. The other couple friend -- the DH in that couple passed away and the wife has "moved on" from the old friends. So now my parents are in my hometown with NO connections whatsoever -- not with neighbors; haven't kept in touch with coworkers; and no established social life.
Thing is -- they lament this. Sometimes directly. Sometimes on days like today when they see a neighbor shoveling out another neighbor's driveway I get to hear "why is he shoveling THEIR driveway, he won't touch ours." (Um maybe bc THEY have at least talked to him casually in the last 30 yrs while you've found excuses not to.)
I don't know what I'm really asking -- besides experiences. I feel bad. But I know they'll make no effort to change. They don't want to involve themselves in anything community oriented -- i.e. they mock their couple friend 2 hrs away that has taken on volunteer tasks like helping prepare taxes for people in the spring. They are not a part of the Indian community in their area, and frankly isn't an option; while there are lots of Indians in the area most "activities" are through the "cultural" center which is geared towards Hindus. (I'm sure it's open to all Indians but 99% of people who participate are Hindu). My parents are devout Muslim and wouldn't go to even secular activities there -- and frankly knowing a lot of Indians in that area, I can see "what are YOU doing here, you're not Hindu" kind of comments. As for mosques -- there is one, but it's a tiny congregation and there's nothing to get involved in -- no activities or committees or anything. So is retirement just going to consist of talking to their extended family on the phone a few hrs a day, reading the newspaper a few hrs a day, and then watching the irritating Indian channels on TV!? Is there a way to make it more "exciting" or at least interesting?
OP, I think their best bet is to mingle with the Indian senior community. I don't buy the Hindu-Muslim divide thing. There are always a few bad apples, I don't deny that. Culturally though , they may fit in there better, for starters. You may want to get them started until they get the hang of it.
Anonymous
03/06/2015 09:51
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
Here's the thing about our parents that I have found to be true- they (and I guess we someday) all seem to get more extreme as they age. More critical, more passive, more introverted whatever. So OP, I would just caution you that if they are crotchety now about neighbors and friends, they are likely to only become more crotchety.
This isn't to say they can't find things to enjoy - through the mosque or travelling or working on their house - but I would just suggest you manage your expectations about them suddenly becoming friendly and more welcoming...
This isn't to say they can't find things to enjoy - through the mosque or travelling or working on their house - but I would just suggest you manage your expectations about them suddenly becoming friendly and more welcoming...
Anonymous
03/06/2015 09:43
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
I can't tell if your parents live in the DC area or what, but it seems like maybe a relocation is in order. Move them here to live with you or nearby. I've lived in neighborhoods in northern VA that seem to be 80 percent Indian. There must be something going on for the elders. Or maybe there's another area they'd find more community. They're in a new phase of their lives, and their current place doesn't sound like it works for them now.
My in-laws are not Indian, but are all immigrants from an Asian country. There are a fair number who move back to the home country after retirement, for the lower cost of living and the community.
My in-laws are not Indian, but are all immigrants from an Asian country. There are a fair number who move back to the home country after retirement, for the lower cost of living and the community.
Anonymous
03/06/2015 05:17
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
I believe the culture in general increasingly isolating for older people these days. The days of the country club and "the Center" are dwindling. People are more and more isolated in their homes. I wish I had an answer for you, OP. I just think this is becoming a social phenomenon.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 22:14
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
DH's parents, also here since the 1970s, moved back to their village in Mexico. They come up to visit, but they are happier there. They only socialize with family. (They are Catholic so that's a lot of people.)
Are there any hobbies they might be interested in that could become a group thing, like knitting or animals?
We have friends whose immigrant parents were like yours. Our friends got a dog and their parents became very involved with the it. They walk it every day while our friends are at work, take care of it when my friends want to travel, etc. They talk to people they meet while with the dog. Seems to help.
Are there any hobbies they might be interested in that could become a group thing, like knitting or animals?
We have friends whose immigrant parents were like yours. Our friends got a dog and their parents became very involved with the it. They walk it every day while our friends are at work, take care of it when my friends want to travel, etc. They talk to people they meet while with the dog. Seems to help.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 20:30
Subject: Re:Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
I'm surprised that their mosque doesn't have community events.
Would they be interested in doing something like a class? A lot of senior centers run classes on just about everything from lectures to knitting to or something equally innocuous.
Would they be interested in doing something like a class? A lot of senior centers run classes on just about everything from lectures to knitting to or something equally innocuous.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 20:26
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
OP - not sure what you are asking but... Are they happy? If so, what else matters?
Anonymous
03/05/2015 19:56
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
Anonymous wrote:My Korean parents have been retired for 20 yrs now, lived here since the early 70's. Their social life is around Church and the local Korean Community Senior Center. My dad is now addicted to youtube and learning how to make all kinds of weird things that he's proud to show me. This is a man who didn't know how to use the internet until last year. Before this, he did nothing but watch boring tv. Now, at least, he is outside making things (my mom will not allow him to make it in the house). My mom likes to garden, too. Your parents need to find some kind of hobby. They also go out for walks to get in their exercise.
My Korean parents moved back to Korea when they retired. They made more money from Korean real estate than they ever did in the US. Much happier living in Korea. They travel a lot internationally with their friends from college and high school and visit the US at least twice a year.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 19:00
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
My Korean parents have been retired for 20 yrs now, lived here since the early 70's. Their social life is around Church and the local Korean Community Senior Center. My dad is now addicted to youtube and learning how to make all kinds of weird things that he's proud to show me. This is a man who didn't know how to use the internet until last year. Before this, he did nothing but watch boring tv. Now, at least, he is outside making things (my mom will not allow him to make it in the house). My mom likes to garden, too. Your parents need to find some kind of hobby. They also go out for walks to get in their exercise.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 18:59
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
I am following this with interest. My inlaws aren't immigrants but they have no social life as a unit. Mil still works but had no friends, FIL golfs but it's becoming more rate with his health. In 5 years I think they will be mostly home bound.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 18:58
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
There are some retirement communities that offer very active social lives to people. An aunt of mine is in one - I swear it's like a college campus for old people. Maybe research options like that for them?
Anonymous
03/05/2015 18:55
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
My parents are also immigrants, fromEurope, came in the 60s. They have minimal social life, mostly because my dad is extremely introverted. So, unlike yours, they don't really lament the lack of social things.
They've been retired for some years. They travel a fair bit. They read a lot, putter in the garden, watch TV, go out for lunch at the crappy Chinese buffet, go to the Y and go swimming, etc. They always seem happy when I talk to them and they seem to find a lot to fill their days without getting bored.
They've been retired for some years. They travel a fair bit. They read a lot, putter in the garden, watch TV, go out for lunch at the crappy Chinese buffet, go to the Y and go swimming, etc. They always seem happy when I talk to them and they seem to find a lot to fill their days without getting bored.
Anonymous
03/05/2015 18:49
Subject: Retired (Immigrant) Parents - have lived here since the 70s
I know this is small potatoes compared to lots of family issues here -- but what does retirement look like for immigrants you know in the U.S.?
My parents are Indian and came here in the 1970s, so it's not like they are unacclimated to the U.S. or are like the parents who come from India for a few months at a time. They had 30+ yr careers here and retired about 5 yrs ago. When they were working and raising kids -- life was busy. They made NO effort to carve out a social life -- not sure why -- didn't want to make the effort and never particularly liked or clicked with anyone so they didn't get on the dawat (dinner party) circuit that lots of Indians have; they had 2 couple friends also from India who were dad's friends back in HS and college; one couple friend lives in a city 2+ hrs away -- they do make an effort to see them about every 2 months. The other couple friend -- the DH in that couple passed away and the wife has "moved on" from the old friends. So now my parents are in my hometown with NO connections whatsoever -- not with neighbors; haven't kept in touch with coworkers; and no established social life.
Thing is -- they lament this. Sometimes directly. Sometimes on days like today when they see a neighbor shoveling out another neighbor's driveway I get to hear "why is he shoveling THEIR driveway, he won't touch ours." (Um maybe bc THEY have at least talked to him casually in the last 30 yrs while you've found excuses not to.)
I don't know what I'm really asking -- besides experiences. I feel bad. But I know they'll make no effort to change. They don't want to involve themselves in anything community oriented -- i.e. they mock their couple friend 2 hrs away that has taken on volunteer tasks like helping prepare taxes for people in the spring. They are not a part of the Indian community in their area, and frankly isn't an option; while there are lots of Indians in the area most "activities" are through the "cultural" center which is geared towards Hindus. (I'm sure it's open to all Indians but 99% of people who participate are Hindu). My parents are devout Muslim and wouldn't go to even secular activities there -- and frankly knowing a lot of Indians in that area, I can see "what are YOU doing here, you're not Hindu" kind of comments. As for mosques -- there is one, but it's a tiny congregation and there's nothing to get involved in -- no activities or committees or anything. So is retirement just going to consist of talking to their extended family on the phone a few hrs a day, reading the newspaper a few hrs a day, and then watching the irritating Indian channels on TV!? Is there a way to make it more "exciting" or at least interesting?
My parents are Indian and came here in the 1970s, so it's not like they are unacclimated to the U.S. or are like the parents who come from India for a few months at a time. They had 30+ yr careers here and retired about 5 yrs ago. When they were working and raising kids -- life was busy. They made NO effort to carve out a social life -- not sure why -- didn't want to make the effort and never particularly liked or clicked with anyone so they didn't get on the dawat (dinner party) circuit that lots of Indians have; they had 2 couple friends also from India who were dad's friends back in HS and college; one couple friend lives in a city 2+ hrs away -- they do make an effort to see them about every 2 months. The other couple friend -- the DH in that couple passed away and the wife has "moved on" from the old friends. So now my parents are in my hometown with NO connections whatsoever -- not with neighbors; haven't kept in touch with coworkers; and no established social life.
Thing is -- they lament this. Sometimes directly. Sometimes on days like today when they see a neighbor shoveling out another neighbor's driveway I get to hear "why is he shoveling THEIR driveway, he won't touch ours." (Um maybe bc THEY have at least talked to him casually in the last 30 yrs while you've found excuses not to.)
I don't know what I'm really asking -- besides experiences. I feel bad. But I know they'll make no effort to change. They don't want to involve themselves in anything community oriented -- i.e. they mock their couple friend 2 hrs away that has taken on volunteer tasks like helping prepare taxes for people in the spring. They are not a part of the Indian community in their area, and frankly isn't an option; while there are lots of Indians in the area most "activities" are through the "cultural" center which is geared towards Hindus. (I'm sure it's open to all Indians but 99% of people who participate are Hindu). My parents are devout Muslim and wouldn't go to even secular activities there -- and frankly knowing a lot of Indians in that area, I can see "what are YOU doing here, you're not Hindu" kind of comments. As for mosques -- there is one, but it's a tiny congregation and there's nothing to get involved in -- no activities or committees or anything. So is retirement just going to consist of talking to their extended family on the phone a few hrs a day, reading the newspaper a few hrs a day, and then watching the irritating Indian channels on TV!? Is there a way to make it more "exciting" or at least interesting?