Anonymous wrote:
In your case, I would definitely stop doing it. No need for comment, since I'm sure he's heard it all. Just stop.

It becomes even more insidious if one spouse stays home and the other one earns the income. I am perfectly happy to do 99% of the housework, paperwork, scheduling and appointments, since it's my stay-at-home job, but I am not his fetch-and-carry maid!

OP here and I totally agree! Thanks

Anonymous wrote:DH here and I am in a similar situation. I'm a desk jockey and my wife can't do stuff like that during the day. So while it annoys me sometimes, I do it because I can. However, if it really bothers you, say something to him. If there are issues bigger than internet/calls during the day- then you really should encourage him to be a little more self-sufficient. But I find it funny that a PP said dump his ass if he doesn't get his shit together in a month. If its only about errands/favors during the day, that's a huge overreaction, especially if you've got a kid with him. After all, you've got time to post and read DCUM all day.

OP here. I agree that the PP's statement is a huge overreaction. I do slightly understand that I have more "time" to do these types of things, since I have all the time in the world at work (like you said, I have time to post/read DCUM lol!). But I also feel that he shouldn't rely on me to do it - he needs to be able to do things on his own. Thanks!

In your case, I would definitely stop doing it. No need for comment, since I'm sure he's heard it all. Just stop.

It becomes even more insidious if one spouse stays home and the other one earns the income. I am perfectly happy to do 99% of the housework, paperwork, scheduling and appointments, since it's my stay-at-home job, but I am not his fetch-and-carry maid!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I noticed a similar pattern in my spouse....he would say to me things like "DD needs more shampoo" or "We need to call a plumber." Originally I found myself doing it. Then I checked myself and started responding "Okay, why don't you get on that." Each and EVERY SINGLE TIME." Now he doesn't do that anymore.

OP here. That's exactly how I feel. Thanks for that advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child. We are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together for 3 years. The biggest problem I have with him is that he acts like he can't do anything for himself. It's like he can't handle his business. For example, if it comes to needing to call XYZ Business to find out about their services, he asks me to do it. If he needs to go buy something in particular, he asks me to call around to stores to see if they have it. I don't understand why he can't do things on his own. He works at a job where he cannot easily use his computer or phone to take care of personal business. At my job, I can use my time at anytime to take care of personal business. I understand that I have more time to take care of things, but I feel like he also needs to be more assertive in taking care of his business and handling things like a man. Do you think I should bring this up to him? Any thoughts?

That's not a spouse. Get married if you want to call him your spouse. He doesn't do anything for himself b/c he doesn't have to. Quit being a doormat and tell him HE needs to get off of his lazy ass and do this stuff. Why do women make babies WITH babies?

My goodness - sorry for the wrong choice of words. Is it that serious? Spouse, boyfriend, partner, idgaf. I don't see the big deal...

OP, I noticed a similar pattern in my spouse....he would say to me things like "DD needs more shampoo" or "We need to call a plumber." Originally I found myself doing it. Then I checked myself and started responding "Okay, why don't you get on that." Each and EVERY SINGLE TIME." Now he doesn't do that anymore.

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child. We are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together for 3 years. The biggest problem I have with him is that he acts like he can't do anything for himself. It's like he can't handle his business. For example, if it comes to needing to call XYZ Business to find out about their services, he asks me to do it. If he needs to go buy something in particular, he asks me to call around to stores to see if they have it. I don't understand why he can't do things on his own. He works at a job where he cannot easily use his computer or phone to take care of personal business. At my job, I can use my time at anytime to take care of personal business. I understand that I have more time to take care of things, but I feel like he also needs to be more assertive in taking care of his business and handling things like a man. Do you think I should bring this up to him? Any thoughts?

That's not a spouse. Get married if you want to call him your spouse. He doesn't do anything for himself b/c he doesn't have to. Quit being a doormat and tell him HE needs to get off of his lazy ass and do this stuff. Why do women make babies WITH babies?

OP heed my advice or resign yourself to misery!

So my parents have been together since 1966...they married in 1968 at age 19 and 20, had my brothers in 1969 and 1971 and then me in 1976. Oh.my.god. how my mother wishes she could go back to the first year of their marriage and change their dynamic into a partnership. My mother took on 100% of responsibilities outside of work. She stayed home while my father worked and handled everyones "business" for them. My father is retired and she is still handling all of his business while he engages in his hobbies. He is morbidly obese, depressed, diabetic and he has COPD. On their wedding day, he was fit and straight out of basic training in the military.

If she dies before him he will have to have someone taking are of him. Hes approaching 70 and hes never cooked, cleaned, repaired anything or done any yard work. Its a terribly dysfunctional pattern that was laid down decades ago and did not change because well...hes a bit entitled and dependent with a nasty temper.

My point is that its not good for spouses to handle each others business...people need to learn how to function independently...its terrible for self esteem to have everything done for you.

I feel for you. Set limits now. Even if addiction is no where in your family histories, read up on codependency for tools for not enabling bad behavior.

I am convinced that my father wouldn't have the health issues he does had my mother expected him to handle his shit and cooperate in the running of the household and with parenting. And before dcumers bite back...he might not have had the health problems he does if she had shared in the responsibility of earning income. It was bad for both of them.

DH here and I am in a similar situation. I'm a desk jockey and my wife can't do stuff like that during the day. So while it annoys me sometimes, I do it because I can. However, if it really bothers you, say something to him. If there are issues bigger than internet/calls during the day- then you really should encourage him to be a little more self-sufficient. But I find it funny that a PP said dump his ass if he doesn't get his shit together in a month. If its only about errands/favors during the day, that's a huge overreaction, especially if you've got a kid with him. After all, you've got time to post and read DCUM all day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can do it himself. He just doesn't want to. And you are doing it for him so why would he?

OP here. Great point. I enabled him so that's why he does it. I guess I need to put my foot down and say I'm not doing it anymore. I don't mind helping out, but I don't want to be his personal assistant.

I wouldn't even do this because he's probably heard you bitch about it enough. Just stop doing it, period.

"Honey can you make this appointment for me?"
"Sorry I'm busy at work today."

The end. He'll get the hint.

Anonymous wrote:He can do it himself. He just doesn't want to. And you are doing it for him so why would he?

OP here. Great point. I enabled him so that's why he does it. I guess I need to put my foot down and say I'm not doing it anymore. I don't mind helping out, but I don't want to be his personal assistant.

He can do it himself. He just doesn't want to. And you are doing it for him so why would he?

So he's your boyfriend, not your spouse.

Where's the mama's boy poster so she can see her future?

Why don't you just say "Sorry, I don't have time. You'll have to do it yourself."

I would not do that. I am married and my husband is self-sufficient. I would not have married him OR had children with him if he were not capable of "handling his business." So if I were you, I'd tell him he has one month to pull his shit together or I'm leaving.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child. We are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together for 3 years. The biggest problem I have with him is that he acts like he can't do anything for himself. It's like he can't handle his business. For example, if it comes to needing to call XYZ Business to find out about their services, he asks me to do it. If he needs to go buy something in particular, he asks me to call around to stores to see if they have it. I don't understand why he can't do things on his own. He works at a job where he cannot easily use his computer or phone to take care of personal business. At my job, I can use my time at anytime to take care of personal business. I understand that I have more time to take care of things, but I feel like he also needs to be more assertive in taking care of his business and handling things like a man. Do you think I should bring this up to him? Any thoughts?