OP, you are a great SIL and I commend you.

I see this pattern with men a lot and my own DH was like this with his mother. There's a pattern with men and illness -- sort of putting it off, don't want to deal with it now, I'll deal with it later. Men seem to hate feeling helpless and doing "watchful waiting." They are not good at it.

I agree he should go and good suggestion from a PP about getting her house ready for her return. She may need care and he can make phone calls.

Have DH go now. I was in a similar situation with my sister a few years ago. I flew up and helped out. Mainly to have coverage at the hospital so BIL could concentrate on kids. I did the night shift and tried to sleep in the day. I also helped by being the contact for other friends and relatives so BIL did not have to do that. One designated person for each group. They brought a bed for me to sleep in next to my sister. She had 1:1 nursing in ICU for the first several days and nights. She was intubated and sedated for 3 days. It was like living in an episode of House.

Hugs all around.

Could your niece stay with you for a while? Not sure why dh would need to go right now. He can't help her at this point. Go when she is awake and recovering so he can help with things like building a wheel chair ramp if needed and things like that. Men like to be helpful not just sitting around stewing.

See if you can arrange for delivery of real meals, not just treats. Something to take the day-to-day burden of cooking off their shoulders. And a care package of quiet books and activities for your niece, such as sticker books-- stuff she can do while waiting around in the hospital or while having a babysitter.

Support your MIL by listening and giving her caring family contact, so that the burden of her emotions does not fall excessively on your SIL's DH.

My advice would be to do a whole lot of listening and not dole out any advice unless solicited. Definitely go out there and be helpful, but always ask for permission. Meals and babysitting are an excellent way to help.

Anonymous wrote:Of course he needs to get out there! I'd be there in a heartbeat. I don't get what's stopping him.

Sounds like your Dh is looking for an excuse not to go and face the music (waiting until she is awake, really?). Nothing substitutes for family presence even if it means a bedside vigil or spending a few hours with young niece.

+1

Of course he needs to get out there! I'd be there in a heartbeat. I don't get what's stopping him.

Sounds like your Dh is looking for an excuse not to go and face the music (waiting until she is awake, really?). Nothing substitutes for family presence even if it means a bedside vigil or spending a few hours with young niece.

What kind of support does BIL? If he doesn't have much, and you can manage, I'd have one of you fly out for a week or two and then decide if everyone should go. That way you/he can help with the house and child and let BIL focus on his wife.

Maybe it would help DH to be there.

Writing this here because I don't want to burden DH further when he's already so stressed & worried.

His sister (mid 30s) had a medical situation this week that resulted in emergency surgery and now she's been sedated and on a ventilator in ICU for 5 days. We live a plane ride away and there's not much we could do even if we were there, but it's a sad and helpless feeling and everyone's anxiety is running high. Drs are more optimistic than not that she will recover, but it's slow progress within a family that doesn't typically cope well with stress (drinking, narcissistic reframing of situations). We've sent care packages of treats, offered to go there for a few days to cook for & chauffer young niece, etc. but also have had to hang back and not make ourselves one more thing to deal with. DH would prefer to wait to visit until his sister is awake and aware of his being there.

It's all on top of a few years of serious medical stress of one kind or another within their immediate family in the last couple of years, including the SIDS death of currently ill SIL's & BIL's infant daughter. Some disfunction and big/controlling personalities make it harder to know the helpful thing to do sometimes. My MIL and SIL basically have their own orbit together and are typically in regular contact throughout the day via texts, talking, and in person visits, so MIL is really feeling that vacuum.

If any of you have good advice about being long distance and finding a good balance between staying out of the way and being supportive and helpful, it would truly be appreciated. They aren't big quiet time people, don't enjoy reading, and are still in shock at seeing SIL in this condition, so the understandably difficult hours in the hospital have been rough for them to manage.