Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 12:36     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:What kind of ADULT prioritizes having sex with someone they're not married to over figuring out what's wrong with their marriage?


Here's what annoys me to no end about this response to the situation: there is a presumption that if the cut-off spouse merely tried to "figure it out" there would be a resolution (they'd get sex, affection, emotional intimacy again). That's a completely false premise.

Many spouses do not feel obligated to "work out" the issue: whoever is desiring of less [sex|affection|intimacy], is basically already getting all their needs met...they can just stonewall and ignore the partner left wanting, more or less indefinitely. I think the original question is fair: what kind of person thinks it's ok to make a promise - a commitment - to another person and then just neglect them and walk away from it. Staying in the same house and constantly rejecting them is walking away from their commitment.

Or did you mean "divorce them" when you said "figure out what is wrong"? Maybe I misunderstood that part.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 11:19     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think either spouse deserves credit here, and both deserve some blame.

I have out-of-state friends going through a messy divorce right now. From what I can tell, the wife didn't sleep with the husband very much, for years on end, and the husband kept trying and kept trying and finally walked out and moved in with another woman. I don't know if there was actual cheating. No kids are involved.

I blame the husband for muddying the waters with an affair, but the wife isn't blameless either. (I'm slightly more on Team Wife because of other factors, but again, she's not blameless.)

Unfortunately, I think one of the things you commit to when committing to a marriage is the idea that you should sleep with your husband/wife on a regular basis. "Regular basis" is different for everyone, and obviously there are factors at play, but I don't know many people who would be happy with a sexless marriage that isn't sexless by choice.


Unfortunately?? Sex is an integral part of marriage. If you don't want someone sexually, you shouldn't marry them.


If you do not understand that libido can wax and wane over the course of a lifetime, you shouldn't get married, period.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 11:16     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:I don't think either spouse deserves credit here, and both deserve some blame.

I have out-of-state friends going through a messy divorce right now. From what I can tell, the wife didn't sleep with the husband very much, for years on end, and the husband kept trying and kept trying and finally walked out and moved in with another woman. I don't know if there was actual cheating. No kids are involved.

I blame the husband for muddying the waters with an affair, but the wife isn't blameless either. (I'm slightly more on Team Wife because of other factors, but again, she's not blameless.)

Unfortunately, I think one of the things you commit to when committing to a marriage is the idea that you should sleep with your husband/wife on a regular basis. "Regular basis" is different for everyone, and obviously there are factors at play, but I don't know many people who would be happy with a sexless marriage that isn't sexless by choice.


Unfortunately?? Sex is an integral part of marriage. If you don't want someone sexually, you shouldn't marry them.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:57     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
I agree with the OP. Often women will lose interest in sex after marriage (well chronicled in this forum). I think my AP allows me to stay married without having to go through a painful divorce. On this forum there seems to be a pat angry and holier thN thou response. I love my wife and children and I get the intimacy I need with the OW.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:40     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
How about it's the guy's fault, assuming he's chasing the thrill.

A basic human need is to feel accepted and loved. If one spouse withholds that from the other, they've broken their marriage vows.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:22     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yep, I imagine I will be.

But what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?

It's easy to make excuses (kids, tired, etc.). It's hard to pay the piper. And the sad thing is, when it comes to pay, these folks never take responsibility for their own part in their marriage falling apart.


Sounds like you're projecting a bit, OP.

So basically you're saying if someone doesn't have sex with their spouse, it's their fault if the spouse cheats.


Nope. No projecting, just tired of seeing the women vilified (eg. The FB thread, the "what kind of woman" thread). The women in these cases aren't the problem. If your man can't keep it in his pants, you have a man problem or a relationship problem. Time to make changes in one of them. Unfortunately, most of the women on these boards refuse to accept responsibility for their own shortcomings.

It takes very little empathy to understand that most men feel loved through sex. But apparently it's easier to blame the temptress, rather than just have sex (or show loving, caring behaviours) to the person that you married. Or even talk to them openly and honestly about it.




JesusChrist. Enough with this myth. Men in happy marriages with plenty of sex cheat, too. Stop assuming that the wife doesn't put out.


But then is it the other woman's fault?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:21     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yep, I imagine I will be.

But what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?

It's easy to make excuses (kids, tired, etc.). It's hard to pay the piper. And the sad thing is, when it comes to pay, these folks never take responsibility for their own part in their marriage falling apart.


Sounds like you're projecting a bit, OP.

So basically you're saying if someone doesn't have sex with their spouse, it's their fault if the spouse cheats.


Nope. No projecting, just tired of seeing the women vilified (eg. The FB thread, the "what kind of woman" thread). The women in these cases aren't the problem. If your man can't keep it in his pants, you have a man problem or a relationship problem. Time to make changes in one of them. Unfortunately, most of the women on these boards refuse to accept responsibility for their own shortcomings.

It takes very little empathy to understand that most men feel loved through sex. But apparently it's easier to blame the temptress, rather than just have sex (or show loving, caring behaviours) to the person that you married. Or even talk to them openly and honestly about it.




JesusChrist. Enough with this myth. Men in happy marriages with plenty of sex cheat, too. Stop assuming that the wife doesn't put out.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:16     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yep, I imagine I will be.

But what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?

It's easy to make excuses (kids, tired, etc.). It's hard to pay the piper. And the sad thing is, when it comes to pay, these folks never take responsibility for their own part in their marriage falling apart.


Sounds like you're projecting a bit, OP.

So basically you're saying if someone doesn't have sex with their spouse, it's their fault if the spouse cheats.


Nope. No projecting, just tired of seeing the women vilified (eg. The FB thread, the "what kind of woman" thread). The women in these cases aren't the problem. If your man can't keep it in his pants, you have a man problem or a relationship problem. Time to make changes in one of them. Unfortunately, most of the women on these boards refuse to accept responsibility for their own shortcomings.

It takes very little empathy to understand that most men feel loved through sex. But apparently it's easier to blame the temptress, rather than just have sex (or show loving, caring behaviours) to the person that you married. Or even talk to them openly and honestly about it.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:14     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:Yep, I imagine I will be.

But what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?

It's easy to make excuses (kids, tired, etc.). It's hard to pay the piper. And the sad thing is, when it comes to pay, these folks never take responsibility for their own part in their marriage falling apart.


I'm not sure what point you're trying to prove.

When you say: "what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?", are you talking about the spouse that won't put out, or are you talking about the spouse who is stepping out and blaming their spouse for it?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:13     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
The OW is not the party who's fault it is. It's the married person who stepped out!!! Why did you marry this woman who didn't enjoy sex as much as you (and I say this as a female married to a man who wants sex 1/4 as often as I do), why didn't you go to counseling before? Why did you cheat on your wife?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:10     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
I don't think either spouse deserves credit here, and both deserve some blame.

I have out-of-state friends going through a messy divorce right now. From what I can tell, the wife didn't sleep with the husband very much, for years on end, and the husband kept trying and kept trying and finally walked out and moved in with another woman. I don't know if there was actual cheating. No kids are involved.

I blame the husband for muddying the waters with an affair, but the wife isn't blameless either. (I'm slightly more on Team Wife because of other factors, but again, she's not blameless.)

Unfortunately, I think one of the things you commit to when committing to a marriage is the idea that you should sleep with your husband/wife on a regular basis. "Regular basis" is different for everyone, and obviously there are factors at play, but I don't know many people who would be happy with a sexless marriage that isn't sexless by choice.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:10     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:Yep, I imagine I will be.

But what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?

It's easy to make excuses (kids, tired, etc.). It's hard to pay the piper. And the sad thing is, when it comes to pay, these folks never take responsibility for their own part in their marriage falling apart.


Sounds like you're projecting a bit, OP.

So basically you're saying if someone doesn't have sex with their spouse, it's their fault if the spouse cheats.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:09     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Yep, I imagine I will be.

But what kind of ADULT blames someone else for their marriage failings instead of talking with and improving things with their spouse?

It's easy to make excuses (kids, tired, etc.). It's hard to pay the piper. And the sad thing is, when it comes to pay, these folks never take responsibility for their own part in their marriage falling apart.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:05     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
Anonymous wrote:And then blames a third party ("the OW") when their husband steps out?

And because I knows the world is an equal place, same goes for what kind of man steps out emotionally and physically on his spouse, and then gets angry when she finds someone else to fill her needs?

I think in both cases, straying spouse should be given credit for at least trying to keep their family together for the kids.


What kind of ADULT prioritizes having sex with someone they're not married to over figuring out what's wrong with their marriage? I don't believe that the straying spouse should receive credit for anything other than fessing up, if they did in fact fess up. Otherwise, suggesting that it's better to cheat and stay married (unless it is an open marriage with clear ground rules and everyone's consent) is pretty ridiculous.

Prepare to be flayed alive on this board.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 10:03     Subject: S/O what kind of woman neglects the physical and emotional needs of her spouse
And then blames a third party ("the OW") when their husband steps out?

And because I knows the world is an equal place, same goes for what kind of man steps out emotionally and physically on his spouse, and then gets angry when she finds someone else to fill her needs?

I think in both cases, straying spouse should be given credit for at least trying to keep their family together for the kids.