Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she rejects it. I refuse to go to a financial planner, because we are fine. The planner will not tell me anything I don't know. Fine as in: we bought our house in 1999, before the runup, and while my salary has gone up 2.5x, the mortgage is about the same (2K per month on 160K/year income). The real issue on the finances is she never looks at the big picture; she sees sometimes we have very little in the checking account....but sometimes we have a lot.

The suggestion of going to the financial planner was more for your wife so she could see the big picture. It's not about you getting advice. It's about an objective third party looking at everything and then helping your wife see the big picture and how cash flow works. Sometimes we can't hear this information from our spouse. We're too close emotionally. Perhaps there is a counselor who deals specifically with financial issues with couples.

As for your wife refusing to go to marriage counseling, my response would be, "If you choose not to go to counseling with me, then the complaining about my spending stops. You don't get to complain AND refuse counseling. I'm happy to sit down with a professional and work this out so that we're both happy. But I will not continue with the comments and the complaints if you refuse counseling. It's not healthy for us and for our marriage and for our child."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she rejects it. I refuse to go to a financial planner, because we are fine. The planner will not tell me anything I don't know. Fine as in: we bought our house in 1999, before the runup, and while my salary has gone up 2.5x, the mortgage is about the same (2K per month on 160K/year income). The real issue on the finances is she never looks at the big picture; she sees sometimes we have very little in the checking account....but sometimes we have a lot.

But they might tell your wife something *she* doesn't know, or explain it to her in a way she will process better than when it comes from you. They might also be able to find things - like a PT job - that would give your wife more feelings of control.

On the marriage counseling front - would she be more open to it if it were approached as something to do *in light of your health conditions?* Plenty of people need help navigating the 'what does this mean' of a serious medical diagnosis.

And to echo the other PPs - I am so sorry about your cancer.

You shouldn't spend $1,000 on something without discussing it with your spouse first, and that goes both ways. My DH and I make plenty of money, but we still speak to each other before making purchases greater than, say, a few hundred dollars. I'm not surprised your wife feels upset.

Do you have long term care insurance? Or a way to pay for home health care if you become disabled? That's the hole in my husband's financial plan, but I work, so it's not quite as critical. I know you probably can't get it now, but I'd look at emergency savings to be available instead.

How old is your child? How much is in your emergency fund/immediately accessible, liquid savings?

Off the top of my head, it sounds like you are not being unreasonable but cutting it a little close financially. With the medical expenses and technology and other incidentals, you are taking up 13K of your "discretionary" 15K. That's not a lot of wiggle room, and certainly does not allow your wife much in the way of similar indulgences. Plus, medical expenses can be very unpredictable - I imagine a bad year (even if not fatal!), could run you far more than your budgeted amount.

Seems like a good place for a compromise. Return the tablet but mention that you are saving up for a ____. Or keep the tablet but make a concrete promise to take a break, limit other purchases for the next 6-12 mos.

I wouldn't ask you to return technology. I thought this was about addiction and no time spent with the family.

I think you should go to a financial planner if that's something that will make your wife feel more secure. It doesn't really matter what you know or don't know. It matters that she feel better about finances.

Not to be morbid or anything, but your minor daughter would get a asocial Security death benefit until she reaches 18. And your wife would get a death benefit too as long as she's caring for your minor children. Total family benefit can be as high as 150% your estimated benefit. I don't think many people take that monthly sum into account. It might make your wife feel better.

Does "stuff you don't care about" include kid and house stuff, or is it all personal expenditures?

You each need a fixed budget for "fun money", and what you spend that on is completely under your own control.

No, you don't get a bigger sum of money because you are the breadwinner, which seems to be the subtext.

I'm sorry about your illness.

Do you have savings outside of your retirement accounts?

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she rejects it. I refuse to go to a financial planner, because we are fine. The planner will not tell me anything I don't know. Fine as in: we bought our house in 1999, before the runup, and while my salary has gone up 2.5x, the mortgage is about the same (2K per month on 160K/year income). The real issue on the finances is she never looks at the big picture; she sees sometimes we have very little in the checking account....but sometimes we have a lot.

OP here. Time-wise, very little. I use it when there is down time....like DW is out with DD, or if I have DD at the temple, and am waiting for her.

It is more than a hobby: keeping up to date on technology helps my career. And some of it is directly related to work (and in the budget). For example, I had to upgrade my laptop because I needed more speed for my number crunching; that is tax deductible.

But, I think you are saying, is it an obsession? Probably not. It is something to do during my down time (and with the medical stuff, there as been down time).

She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I forgot to start with "I'm sorry about your Cancer." It must be scary as hell for you, too.

But I'll ask one more question--how much does your love for technology take you away from the family time-wise? Is it more than just a hobby?

How can you compromise? You may leave her widowed and a single parent and she's scared, even with life insurance. Why DO you need the best of the best technology? Does it bring you more happiness than your marriage brings you?

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't golf, don't have any expensive hobbies/costs, except for technology and due to medical issues, medical care. But, I make good money by anyone but DCUM's standards. We have positive cash flow of about 15K/year. I spend about 3K/year on electronics -- computers, tablets, cameras, phones (usually singular at the time). (I spend 9k per year on medical expenses...damn cancer & heart issues). My only other extravagances is bout 400/yr in baseball tickets, my annual trip to spring training (cheap as the only expense is air fair to orlando and a car), and coffee.

This has become a major issue in our marriage. I started going through the bills to see how much she spends on stuff that I don't care about, and it is 2,400/year....so I spend more, but not that much more (and I am the sole wage earner).

I am an involved father, our DD shares my passion for baseball (but not technology).

Before getting cancer, I spent less on technology, but we ate out a lot (12K/yr), and more on attending professional conferences (I am a scientist, and need to stay current).

The strife is my wife thinks we are poor. We are not rich, but we are not poor. Her mentality is to try to get freebies from organizations (think our synagogue).

As for long term, well, frankly, I will be lucky to live for 5 more years. But, we have 300-400K in equity in our house, 750K in the 401K, and I have a 1 million dollar live insurance policy. They will be ok. Particularly if DW downsizes after DD goes to college. And if I live, we are fine.

So, the question is: should I return my hybrid tablet/laptop I bought for 1K to make my wife happy, and then resent her?

I will add, in closing, that, of course this is a one sided portrayal...I am writing this.