Np here with same issues as OP. There is some great advice on here; thank you!

Adding on to PP, sometimes it is even better to hold off on the "I'm so proud of you..." In some circumstances it is even better to try something first like "I noticed you took out the trash." This can lead to a sort of conversation with the child that "I'm so proud you took out the trash" won't.

Of course if the child reports to you she got an A on a test this won't work. Then you say something like, "Wow! Your hard work really paid off." (Never "See I told you--if you just tried harder you'd get better grades.")

My mil gave me one great piece of advice. Try to find a way to always say yes to the small stuff so that when you have to say no to the big stuff they listen.

OP, hang in there. Remember that saying nothing is often a great response and always better than a bad one said in the heat of the moment. Pick your battles and make sure to not only notice the positive, but let her know you notice the positive: "I'm so proud of you for xyz", "it was so mature of you to xyz", "you should be proud of yourself for xyz", etc. They light up when you do this but they seems to have a longer memory for the unintentional criticism so try to make these positive remarks frequent and genuine. And yes, these are just hard years no matter what, I think, but they will pass.

Anonymous wrote:

The eye rolling and snark she learned from you.

Stop doing it now.

She is just reflecting back your own behavior. It always sucks and is a bit disbelieving to us as parents that we could actually be acting that way but we are.

Speak for yourself, PP.
The eyerolling and snark can also be learned from TV and from peers. When they hit the teenaged years, parents are no longer the only role models.

+1 When will people stop blaming mothers for every single thing a kid does wrong?

The eye rolling and snark she learned from you.

Stop doing it now.

She is just reflecting back your own behavior. It always sucks and is a bit disbelieving to us as parents that we could actually be acting that way but we are.

Speak for yourself, PP.
The eyerolling and snark can also be learned from TV and from peers. When they hit the teenaged years, parents are no longer the only role models.

Here is a great read that's also an easy read, and breaks down girls' developmental stages and helps you figure out what you can do to support them and also guide them:

Girls will be Girls by (Dweck or Deak)

It's on amazon.com.

It's one of the few parenting books I find myself pickup up again and again and skimming through the parts I have previously highlighted! (I've got two DDs, 10.5 and 12.5)

The eye rolling and snark she learned from you.

Stop doing it now.

She is just reflecting back your own behavior. It always sucks and is a bit disbelieving to us as parents that we could actually be acting that way but we are.

Sounds like she is failing you, not you failing her. She should be able to make her bed and do her homework and turn it in without issue. Set up a special day with her and go to the spa. Make it all about fun and bonding, no criticism or talking about things that are too heavy.

read the book Hands free mama and read her blog
http://www.handsfreemama.com/

I think too often we don't realize how negative and critical our tone is. She loves her mama so much and is likely perceiving criticism and nagging as " you're not ok". The snark is hard to take, but try and ignore much of it. I run a tape in my head when the snark comes out that reminds me " she's passing they a difficult phase now and HAS to start questioning my authority in order to do the hard work of separating and growing up." I draw the line at more blTant forms of disrespect though. And when they start telling you thT you're a terrible mom because you didn't wash the dance leotard before class, invite them to laundry 101 class!

Can you establish a checklist for her so that it comes from her. Let her rise and fall for a week on her checklist by herself. Don't proctor her turning in homework, staying on task, etc. Arrange a time where you go over the list and ask her in a mentor fashion how she thinks she did. Don't make it a nag, make it a check-in. Give her feedback.

mother daughter relationships are terrible during adolescence

Pick your battles. Let more shit go. Draw the line where it matters.

Don't tolerate disrespect, though.

Looking for some guidance, just feel like my relationship with my daughter (9) hasn't been the best of late. I want to re-set my parenting button with regards to our day-to-day interactions (me: too much micro-management, too much yelling, too much criticism) and establish some healthier ways to address and improve things for the longer haul. She is a great kid, very bright and smart, and has good friendships with her peers - but lately has been smart alecky, with lots of eye rolls and attitude etc. Getting her to follow through on the basics (making the bed, handing in homework, staying on task at school) has been nearly impossible, never mind the bigger stuff... Its been a long time since she and I have had a good stretch without devolving into some sort of criticism or admonishment from me. I am trying to be a good Mom, but I feel like I am failing her and not building her confidence nor her trust. Thanks in advance, and please no snark.