You move halfway across the world and build a new life.

BTDT.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

OP here, I thank you for this post and everyone else's. I have considered cutting them off, but that would be an uphill battle. I may still do that in the future. My parents try putting themselves at such a high level in my life. Meaning they feel they should be allowed to say anything and do anything in my house. An example, when my 7 year old was doing homework and my mom kept telling him he has to study hard so that he's not stupid and she kept asking him if he wants to be stupid when he grows up. I said mom he'll be ok no matter what. She said, what i can't talk to him??? He's my grandson I can say whatever the hell I want to him. It's so frustrating for me.

I have stopped looking forward to their visits and now hate it when they are here. I have to prep the kids into acting a certain way (make sure you say thank you and please over and over again, make sure you say good morning first to grandma, make sure you answer grandma immediately) for things to run smoother when they are here, but crap still hits the fan.

Ditto on what on the other posters have said. I have not spoken to my parents in about 4 years and they brought it upon themselves. I had a crappy childhood where my father was in bed sleeping 20 hours a day and then wakes up 30+ years later and wants this back and forth loving relationship. Yeah, not going to happen. That's just the tip of the iceberg. My parents had this standard of if I didn't kiss their ass or straighten up and fly right, they would write me out of their will. Father received a settlement so they now had some money and tried to hold it over my head. I didn't know what more they wanted from me. I got straight A's in school, paid my way thru college and later married an Air Force officer. I never asked them for a dime.

The final straw was when my father lied about something I did not say, said that lie to my mother who then basically told I was not welcome in their home unless I paid her money otherwise they would try to fit them in their busy schedule. Oh and that me and hubby needed to get our act together as parents. WTF ya know? We were planning to visit them with our new child (adopted). I called her back and told her what a bitch I thought she was and I haven't spoken to them since. I can't have this double standard of if you don't do as a say, I won't love you BS placed upon my child from his grandparents.

OP.... sometimes you just have to cut the cord yourself to maintain your sanity. It's not your fault. It's their fault.

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I have a really bad relationship. She is extremely controlling, manipulative, judgmental and she will talk about badly me behind my back, yet I feel forced to interact with her. She demands to be treated like a queen. When I say anything against this she plays the victim and says that I am being disrespectful. My dad used to stand up against her and over the years he has started to side with her because she will drive him crazy until he agrees with her. My dad has now turned into a hateful person. He thinks everyone is out to get him and hates anyone that is not just like him. They are both extremely hard to be around, If my kids don't act extremely happy to see them they take it personal. There is a long list of things my kids have to do while they are here and if they mess it up while my parents are here, we never hear the end of it. I am so sick of it.

When I see other people that love having their moms/dads visit or come over and they like their parents I just feel a sense of loss or hurt. When I forget how damaging she can be I try to get close to her and always get crushed. How do I get over the fact that I will never have a good relationship with either my mom or dad while still having to talk to them?
(Sorry for the grammar and spelling.)

you are not the only one. my mom is the same. my siblings are the same. just limit contact, it redefines the relationship or reduces the aggravation. you didn't choose your parents, but they chose the relationship they want to have with you so don't feel obligated to do anything for them. i was in therapy for years over this and it helped me get to a point where i could say enough, i am done. but it is a process b/c there will be times you wonder if you are doing the right thing as you see others with loving relationships with parents and siblings, which makes you wonder if you can have the same or should you have the same. relationships are a 2 way street, the other side has to at least identify that there is problem and then try to fix it. it is tough with kids involved, but limiting contact is healthy for you and your kids. after you have kids, they are your priority.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

Not OP but -- wow, thank you. I needed to read that. Karma +1 to you, I hope.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

I have heard this as well. Thanks for posting this PP. It is definitely true for my wife. She witnessed some crappy things in her childhood. Her relationship with our children is amazing and has been an avenue for her to overcome the hurt she experienced as a child.

My parents are divorced, so it makes it easier. I have cut off all communication with my father. Once I had children I lost all patience with his narcissism. I'm completely at peace with this and much happier now that I've let him go. I didn't choose to be born so I don't have to tolerate his toxicity.

my mother is not ideal. She has many shortcomings and we certainly don't have a traditional relationship. I don't think she should have had children.as she never really related to us kids. However she is a broken person, herself a victim of severe childhood abuses, so she really doesn't know how to act properly in a family. Because I understand this, I approach her with compassion and not criticism. Also since I have my own family, my energy is focused on them. My parents are an old chapter in my life and my family represents a new beginning. I'm ve ru happy at home with my spouse and children so I really don't feel the urge to focus on my parents.

I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

therapy. i have a good relationship with my dad, but very combative with my mother. someone said it to me once, and it really stuck with me -- you have to mourn the relationship that you want, but will never have.
just know that you're not the only one! My mom is CRAZY!!!!

Therapy.
You learn how to set boundaries and write a new script for yourself. You learn how to set different expectations. You learn to find "family" in your friends. You learn to let go of how you think things things "should be."

Unless you live with them or are dependent on them for money, you are not forced to see them. I'd stop.

If one of your parents is an addict, attending a 12-step group for friends and family of addicts can help you detach and recover. Al-Anon helped me distance myself from my mom

Therapy, draw boundaries and make friends your family. If you have a toxic family, see them as little as possible.

therapy

My mom and I have a really bad relationship. She is extremely controlling, manipulative, judgmental and she will talk about badly me behind my back, yet I feel forced to interact with her. She demands to be treated like a queen. When I say anything against this she plays the victim and says that I am being disrespectful. My dad used to stand up against her and over the years he has started to side with her because she will drive him crazy until he agrees with her. My dad has now turned into a hateful person. He thinks everyone is out to get him and hates anyone that is not just like him. They are both extremely hard to be around, If my kids don't act extremely happy to see them they take it personal. There is a long list of things my kids have to do while they are here and if they mess it up while my parents are here, we never hear the end of it. I am so sick of it.

When I see other people that love having their moms/dads visit or come over and they like their parents I just feel a sense of loss or hurt. When I forget how damaging she can be I try to get close to her and always get crushed. How do I get over the fact that I will never have a good relationship with either my mom or dad while still having to talk to them?
(Sorry for the grammar and spelling.)