Anonymous wrote:You could just nod and smile and be busy a lot. It may be one of those things that parents get obsessed with when first meeting and building the relationship with inlaws. That will fade with time. Also, this might be too much for your brother and his fiance. Might want to give your brother a heads up.

I totally agree about giving your brother and his fiance a heads up. They'll probably want to shut this down right away. Make sure you support their decision or your mother might just alienate his fiance.

Or they could turn out to be super nice fun people.

I like and have spent time with my oldest sibling's Inlaws over my life. But they are lovely people. Other siblings' inlaws I have not because 1) I was older when I first met them and 2) we were not as compatible.

Explain to your mom it is hard enough to manage holidays with just trying to juggle your own immediate family. But also don't write off these folks generally "just because." Just maybe not at holiday time.

Tell your mother you have WAY more important priorities than spending time with people you don't know from out of state.

And refuse to discuss the matter further.

That would be weird. We do see dh's brothers in-laws a couple of times a year, but that is at events held at dh's brother's house, where they've invited everyone (Thanksgiving, their dd's bday party, etc.). We've never been to the in-law's house (also out of state). I am fb friends with the mil, but we're both light users of it - she likes seeing pics of our kids.

No. Maybe I'd look them up if I were visiting the city. Maybe.

Hell no. SIL's mom tried to friend me on FB and I shut that down quick.

My mom was thrilled when my in-laws moved to another state so the only interaction they now have is Christmas cards, as it should be.

You could just nod and smile and be busy a lot. It may be one of those things that parents get obsessed with when first meeting and building the relationship with inlaws. That will fade with time. Also, this might be too much for your brother and his fiance. Might want to give your brother a heads up.

No, I just met my siblings in laws for the first time in 15 years.

OP here. Thanks for your responses. That is what I thought, too, people generally don't spend time with out-of-state siblings' in-laws. I wanted to make sure I wasn't saying "no, thanks" to something that was expected.

Does your mom think this is the only way she will spend the holidays with your brother, and now she is trying to drag you along?

Rotating holidays is the norm. Talk with your brother about coordinating so you both show up for some holidays at the same time. If his ILs want to welcome his parents when it's the ILs' turn, that is up to them.

No. If I bump into my brothers inlaws at my brothers house then of course I'm polite and we hug and chat and catch up. Or if I'm visiting the city my SIL's little ssister lives in then I'll reach out and meet her for coffee or yoga or whatever. But zero expectations.

We spend zero time with siblings' in-laws. Your mother is being ridiculous, especially since they're out-of-state.

That said, I'm wondering if this has to do with fears that there won't be big family holidays with her kids anymore. If you brother always spent holidays with your mom before this, and you joined them for at least some of the holidays, she may be feeling anxious about a future where you and your brother are always missing each other at holidays because one is with the in-laws when the other is with her, and she sees you going to his in-laws (along with her) as the solution. Especially if he's marrying someone who's very close with her parents, and your mother is afraid of being shut out in favor of them.

No, we don't. I never met my aunt's ILs.

My ILs were going on vacation with my SIL/BIL and his ILs and invited us along. It sounded like such a strange way to spend a vacation and luckily we couldn't make it anyways so we had an easy excuse. We had no desire to spend a vacation with sibling ILs.

I think for some families it might work really well and probably those families live fairly close together. I would never travel out of state to spend time with a siblings ILs.

No...I don't spend time with my siblings inlaws, even when I lived in the same state as them.

About the only interaction I've had with my siblings inlaws (or my husband's siblings inlaws) has been at major family events--such as that sibling's wedding, their children's baptisms or birthdays, etc.
But, even though we have lived "in the same state"--they were often still an hour + drive.

My aunts and uncles on my mother's side of the family, all live in Massachusetts. They all married other people from Massachusetts, whose family still live there too. So for them, yes, they do actually stay in touch with their siblings inlaws and socialize. For example, about a year ago my grandfather turned 90, so we had a large party. Some of the "inlaw's siblings" attended.

Do you spend time with your siblings' in-laws? What is the expectation in the U.S. for this? Aren't you just expected to spend time with your own blood relative and your own in-laws?

My brother is getting married soon, and my mom is insisting that we start spending holidays with my brother's in-laws. I don't know what she is thinking, she never batted an eye when he didn't spend time with my in-laws.

Can anyone relate? I just don't get it. I have already told her that I'm not interested in spending time with them (they are out of state) and that I already have a lot of family obligations (her and my dad live nearby, my in-laws live 10 min. away, sister-in-law lives nearby, our 3 kids are older and have a lot of school/after school activities, etc.)