I was in your shoes 4 years ago. I gave DH an ultimatum- get sober or I'm divorcing you & will use your addiction to limit your custody of the kids. He went to rehab and has been sober 4 years now.

If you're going to say this- you have to mean it. I was absolutely at the point where I would have left if things hadn't changed.

I recommend Babette Wise as a great counselor for both you and DH. She's the best alcohol/substance abuse counselor in the area.

Unfortunately, the reality of being married to an alcoholic is accepting that they may (and, in fact, probably will) relapse at some point. If you can accept the relapses as part of your relationship, that's one thing. But to stay with him believing that some day he will become permanently sober and then you can trust him again is fooling yourself. Even if he eventually does sober up for good, you will never know for sure that he won't relapse again, it has to be part of your new thinking about your husband and your marriage. Trust him in other ways, but never trust that he won't relapse.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all--it is always good to not feel alone. I have shared with very few that he has a problem. It is very secret and embarrassing.

I have considered al anon and probably need to start.

It is so hard. He really wants to quit, but he does feel that a social drink here or there is ok. But I think it lead to the last 2 relapses.

I don't think the relapses, at this point, affect the kids. He just acts a little weird after the kids are asleep, and wakes up later. He still parents good enough.

It just affects our relationship. Somehow I feel too guilty ending a relationship over this. Yes, it is a crappy relationship with little trust and then less love. But we are an intact family, still communicate, have fun, no violence or poverty. I feel I need to keep working on it and so does he.

But I do know alcoholism is full of relapse and seeing no light at the end is so so sad.

I have been exactly where you are, including hiding it with the anti-anxiety meds. It's not enough that he "really wants" to quit. If he doesn't accept he can never have a drink again, he will drink again.

I completely understand the feeling of secrecy and shame. But this is what alcoholism feeds on. Tell him that you're not hiding his drinking from anyone again. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and the shame is what drives alcoholics to drink and drink more. Because they can't face what they have become. Shining a light on it and being honest with yourself and those around you is a major component of recovery.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all--it is always good to not feel alone. I have shared with very few that he has a problem. It is very secret and embarrassing.

I have considered al anon and probably need to start.

It is so hard. He really wants to quit, but he does feel that a social drink here or there is ok. But I think it lead to the last 2 relapses.

I don't think the relapses, at this point, affect the kids. He just acts a little weird after the kids are asleep, and wakes up later. He still parents good enough.

It just affects our relationship. Somehow I feel too guilty ending a relationship over this. Yes, it is a crappy relationship with little trust and then less love. But we are an intact family, still communicate, have fun, no violence or poverty. I feel I need to keep working on it and so does he.

But I do know alcoholism is full of relapse and seeing no light at the end is so so sad.

OP, PP who suggested soberrecovery.

The problem with alcoholics is that, except in very few cases, they can NEVER drink normally again. As I strongly suspect you DH is self medicating his anxiety, he needs to understand that alcohol and him need to become mutually exclusive things. This is especially as he's on anti anxiety meds - mixed, this is a dangerous cocktail.

Also, the the fact that it's not affecting your kids is nothing that y should feel comforted by. It can and it will if it's allowed to progress. And trust me, it will progress unless he gets help.

OP here. Thank you all--it is always good to not feel alone. I have shared with very few that he has a problem. It is very secret and embarrassing.

I have considered al anon and probably need to start.

It is so hard. He really wants to quit, but he does feel that a social drink here or there is ok. But I think it lead to the last 2 relapses.

I don't think the relapses, at this point, affect the kids. He just acts a little weird after the kids are asleep, and wakes up later. He still parents good enough.

It just affects our relationship. Somehow I feel too guilty ending a relationship over this. Yes, it is a crappy relationship with little trust and then less love. But we are an intact family, still communicate, have fun, no violence or poverty. I feel I need to keep working on it and so does he.

But I do know alcoholism is full of relapse and seeing no light at the end is so so sad.

Please find the strength to divorce him. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It will be a nightmare until you leave - and kids know more than you think.

OP, I know this site relies on advertising dollars and I don't want to send you somewhere else while you're getting help here.

That being said there is a family and friends a section at soberrecovery.com community where there are people who are going through what you are. There are also addicts and recovering addicts of all ilk who can share personal experiences with you.

Al- anon would be a good start for you.

AA, Smart recovery or AVRT would be excellent for him.

Anti anxiety meds are greatly abused by professionals and those for whom drinking is too much of a risk. It's easy to try to explain away something you're prescribed, right? I see a lot of red flags in your post that tell me, while your partner isn't always drinking, he may be abusing other substances.

Also, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and relapses can lead to downward spirals very quickly.

You need to not be scared to do what you need to do. It's exceedingly difficult to watch someone you love in the grips of an addiction, but understand that unless he wants to change, there is no changing him. Protect yourself and your family first.

I understand the stress you are living with.

It will be continuous anxiety on your end all the time. You will be constantly asking yourself, "Is he or isn't he drinking?" You will be driving yourself insane practically monitoring his every single move. You will question every little thing he does and says. It will consume your whole life, this whole drinking situation. It really will take a huge toll on you and it isn't fair for you or your children.

You say that divorce will be tough, but so will staying in this marriage. At least with a divorce, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. In the end, you and your children will have the opportunity to set yourselves free from the constant stress and pressure of having to live under the same roof with an addict.

If you remain married to this man forever, then there will never be light at the end of the tunnel, only pure darkness awaits you. It will not end well. Trust me.

Of course he did. That's what addicts do.

I'm sorry. Agree with Al-Anon suggestion. I had to leave my functioning alcoholic, serial cheater "sex addict" ex after many years of thinking he was better, just to discover over and over again that he was "better."

He was so good at white-knuckling, so charming, etc. But at the heart of it, the addictions WERE HIM. I don't know if this will make any sense to you. But they were simply part of who he is. A heavy drinker who stops periodically and claims he's better. Someone who loved to charm psychologists with his stories. Etc. The rest isn't relevant to you.

Addicts lie. They white-knuckle. They relapse. They feel sorrow. They try harder. They white-knuckle. They relapse. They lie.

I agree with Al-Anon and a really really good psychologist for you - to give you non-biased and personal support. All too often, wives of alcoholics end up worrying so much about their husbands that they can't see the big picture, they can't take care of themselves, and they desperately need a little help.

Hugs.

Agree with Al-Anon suggestion...

Pp here - that should say similar tales from others - addicts and alcoholics

Have you considered Al-Anon? I am a recovering alcoholic. Nothing stopped me, not my 3 kids or my husband, until I was done. I hear similar tales from him. You can only control your own behavior/reactions. Maybe a break or some therapy for you would help you decide how to move forward? So sorry...

This is a dangerous situation with young kids, OP. I distinctly remember my dad driving drunk with us as kids. Wish my mom had divorced him sooner.

OP here. I guess maybe I am looking to hear some similar stories. Women who live with functioning alcoholics. And at some point, realize, the relationship really isn't functioning as the trust is gone.

He has been struggling and working so hard on the addiction. He was taking Ativan for 10 years for anxiety and drinking heavily, periodically. The addictions all became obvious about a year ago and he started getting help 6 months ago. It has been very painful realizing the lies and omission that have been going on for years.

He slipped up and started drinking 4 months ago, but had been doing very well since. And now I found out he was drinking again, maybe just the past 2 nights. He does it later and I go to sleep early, so I miss the signs sometimes. But tonight, it was the slurred speech and off balance walk. He denied and said it was due to the anxiety medications (same old excuse). but then I found the vodka.

It just causes so much pain to go through this again. The lies and then working on the trust, only to be lied to again.

On top of this, he has been underemployed/unemployed almost 2 years. And we have 2 elementary age school kids.

I am so tired and sad about this and want divorce. But I feel horrible still wanting to leave him and divorce is too hard--financially and emotionally. Life really sucks right now. I love him, but feel this relationship is too hard. But the alternative of divorce is likely harder.