Anonymous
02/14/2015 20:45
Subject: Re:First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I think there are always clues to a person's real temperament and make up. The problem is that we ignore the signs because we want the relationship to work out.
All these topics about failed marriages and how the husband is a jerk, etc ....... don't tell me that in every instance it was a case of the guy suddenly becoming a whole different person.
Think of your failed marriage: looking back, do you really think there were no signs that he had issues?
Of course there were signs, the ones that I really missed:
1) Lack of a healthy social group (usually 3-5 friends and that is it)
2) Speaking bad of ex's - specifically having "crazy" ex's
3) Treating other people badly (harder to know if he behaves in front of me)
1. A guy is supposed to have more than 4 or 5 friends? Thats tough to do as you get older, everyone changes jobs, everyone acquires family obligations of their own.
2. What if the ex really was crazy? I loved her, but she required her share of lithium to keep functioning.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 17:50
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
I guess the only thing I can say is that regarding yourself, you need to be more open minded regarding red flags.
When something doesn't seem right in your gut, go with that feeling.
I know when you love someone and trust them, you don't want to be jaded about them so you try to have faith in them which is of course what you should do, but if you ever have that nagging feeling that something is "off" about someone's behavior, no matter how much it hurts you, you should delve deeper into it and think with your head vs. your heart.
It will save you a lot of heartache later on.
+1.
OP, I haven't started dating yet and your issue is one reason why. My ex lied to me horribly and hid major things from me. Whenever I think about dating, I think, how am I ever going to avoid someone like him again? My other exes were also very flawed, in retrospect.
I think one red flag with my ex that I wasn't even consciously aware of, but see now, is that his reactions to situations were not normal. I now realize it was always an act and that is why it seemed off. So one thing for me is that I don't ever intend to give the light of day to anyone who is putting on any kind of an act. And I think I've gotten much better at spotting that. The other thing, people say and it's true - watch how they treat other people, because that's how he will eventually treat you. Also, words are just words. Actions really do speak much louder. I think we get into trouble sometimes when we put too much weight on someone's words and not enough on their actions.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 14:42
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP.
Maybe that is the problem. I was giving people a chance that openly expressed issues with trust and relationships.
Yes, do not do this anymore. The other thing I think is that, at least given my family of origin, there is an expectation that the woman will make the marriage work - that we should compromise and forgive and be flexible, etc. This is also the kind of thinking that leads you to think, even when you see the signs before marriage or spending a long time with someone, that you are "being grown up" because we all know that love isn't like the movies. Then we set about trying everything to make it work, even in the face of abuse, addiction and serial infidelity.
Times may have changed, but when I was growing up men were not socialized the same way.
I am actually preaching to myself as well as you because I have been separated about 6 months, am moving towards divorce, and am trying to figure out how I will ever know what a good match looks like for me and how I can help my daughters not to make the mistakes I did. My therapist says we will work on this, but so far we have been spending most of our time helping me figure out how to deal with a still-abusive ex.
Good luck to us both and everyone else struggling with this.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 13:34
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
I wish there were a clear-cut way OP. If there were, it would save many people a lot of heart-ache and time.
I have invested a lot of myself in people who have turned out to be complete jerks and nothing like what I thought they were.
I have blamed them and myself for the break-ups.
I guess the only thing I can say is that regarding yourself, you need to be more open minded regarding red flags.
When something doesn't seem right in your gut, go with that feeling.
I know when you love someone and trust them, you don't want to be jaded about them so you try to have faith in them which is of course what you should do, but if you ever have that nagging feeling that something is "off" about someone's behavior, no matter how much it hurts you, you should delve deeper into it and think with your head vs. your heart.
It will save you a lot of heartache later on.
I have invested a lot of myself in people who have turned out to be complete jerks and nothing like what I thought they were.
I have blamed them and myself for the break-ups.
I guess the only thing I can say is that regarding yourself, you need to be more open minded regarding red flags.
When something doesn't seem right in your gut, go with that feeling.
I know when you love someone and trust them, you don't want to be jaded about them so you try to have faith in them which is of course what you should do, but if you ever have that nagging feeling that something is "off" about someone's behavior, no matter how much it hurts you, you should delve deeper into it and think with your head vs. your heart.
It will save you a lot of heartache later on.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 11:44
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
OP, how many special people does anyone ever have in their life? The overwhelming majority of situations are going to end of for all types of reasons.
I do believe that men and women treat each other much worse than 30 or 40 years ago.
I do believe that men and women treat each other much worse than 30 or 40 years ago.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 11:03
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
I'm so sorry he's been so horrible to you OP. You've gotten some great advice hear. May I also suggest you block his number/email address and stop responding to him? He's still saying nasty things but you don't have to be reading them and responding to them.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 10:17
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:I picked bad choices for me, all of my 20s and half of my 30s. I didn't marry, but i had several 4-5 year long relationships. I will say they each got better, but never good enough to truly have a life-long relationship/marriage with.
So I figured it was me. Why was I picking men who weren't ready for committment, love, honesty, reliability? I spend two years in therapy working through that, and NOT dating. When I felt healthy again, I started dating again, and immediately scratched off people with issues. Anyone who told me he had trust issues from cheating, etc., he'd immediately be out the door. Because he's not ready to date in a healthy way, much less marry in a healthy way. Do not sign on to someone with emotional baggage. Don't try to rescue someone. Or change them. Find someone who's happy with life and has an outlook that most people are generally good and trustworthy. Not perfect, mind you, but good.
I've been hurt a million times and HORRIBLY from intimate relationships. HORRIBLY. But when you finally work through it, the pain is gone. It really is. I don't think about any of it anymore, except when posting to DCUM.
Thank you PP.
Maybe that is the problem. I was giving people a chance that openly expressed issues with trust and relationships.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 10:15
Subject: Re:First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think there are always clues to a person's real temperament and make up. The problem is that we ignore the signs because we want the relationship to work out.
All these topics about failed marriages and how the husband is a jerk, etc ....... don't tell me that in every instance it was a case of the guy suddenly becoming a whole different person.
Think of your failed marriage: looking back, do you really think there were no signs that he had issues?
Of course there were signs, the ones that I really missed:
1) Lack of a healthy social group (usually 3-5 friends and that is it)
2) Speaking bad of ex's - specifically having "crazy" ex's
3) Treating other people badly (harder to know if he behaves in front of me)
Anonymous
02/14/2015 10:13
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
I picked bad choices for me, all of my 20s and half of my 30s. I didn't marry, but i had several 4-5 year long relationships. I will say they each got better, but never good enough to truly have a life-long relationship/marriage with.
So I figured it was me. Why was I picking men who weren't ready for committment, love, honesty, reliability? I spend two years in therapy working through that, and NOT dating. When I felt healthy again, I started dating again, and immediately scratched off people with issues. Anyone who told me he had trust issues from cheating, etc., he'd immediately be out the door. Because he's not ready to date in a healthy way, much less marry in a healthy way. Do not sign on to someone with emotional baggage. Don't try to rescue someone. Or change them. Find someone who's happy with life and has an outlook that most people are generally good and trustworthy. Not perfect, mind you, but good.
I've been hurt a million times and HORRIBLY from intimate relationships. HORRIBLY. But when you finally work through it, the pain is gone. It really is. I don't think about any of it anymore, except when posting to DCUM.
So I figured it was me. Why was I picking men who weren't ready for committment, love, honesty, reliability? I spend two years in therapy working through that, and NOT dating. When I felt healthy again, I started dating again, and immediately scratched off people with issues. Anyone who told me he had trust issues from cheating, etc., he'd immediately be out the door. Because he's not ready to date in a healthy way, much less marry in a healthy way. Do not sign on to someone with emotional baggage. Don't try to rescue someone. Or change them. Find someone who's happy with life and has an outlook that most people are generally good and trustworthy. Not perfect, mind you, but good.
I've been hurt a million times and HORRIBLY from intimate relationships. HORRIBLY. But when you finally work through it, the pain is gone. It really is. I don't think about any of it anymore, except when posting to DCUM.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 10:12
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry this happened. What time have you taken to reflect on why you were drawn to your first husband and what your perceptions of a good relationship were? I found that the work I did with a therapist after my divorce was essential to having any healthy relationship post divorce. My ex was a narcissist jackass, and only afterwards was I able to figure out how to recognize that and advocate for myself. Too many times in my marriage I ignored red flags and didn't question them. I was hell bent on not having that happen again.
I spent much time in therapy as well and have an equally strong desire to avoid a repeat of my ex.
The friend of my most recent ex only told me after the fact that I dodged a bullet. According to his friend the guy I was dating is a control freak that continues to believe people are "his" long after a relationship is over. That his anger isn't something to be messed with. He was actually scared when he once invited me to a group event and my BF screamed at him. BF said it was a joke, friend said that there was no joke at all. None of the control freak behaviors were overtly expressed to me, he exerted this behind the scenes. It was almost as if to keep from being mean to me he was mean to everyone else.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 10:08
Subject: Re:First heartbreak after divorce
OP, I think there are always clues to a person's real temperament and make up. The problem is that we ignore the signs because we want the relationship to work out.
All these topics about failed marriages and how the husband is a jerk, etc ....... don't tell me that in every instance it was a case of the guy suddenly becoming a whole different person.
Think of your failed marriage: looking back, do you really think there were no signs that he had issues?
All these topics about failed marriages and how the husband is a jerk, etc ....... don't tell me that in every instance it was a case of the guy suddenly becoming a whole different person.
Think of your failed marriage: looking back, do you really think there were no signs that he had issues?
Anonymous
02/14/2015 10:06
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
OP, I'm sorry this happened. What time have you taken to reflect on why you were drawn to your first husband and what your perceptions of a good relationship were? I found that the work I did with a therapist after my divorce was essential to having any healthy relationship post divorce. My ex was a narcissist jackass, and only afterwards was I able to figure out how to recognize that and advocate for myself. Too many times in my marriage I ignored red flags and didn't question them. I was hell bent on not having that happen again.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 09:56
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
Anonymous wrote:How did they pretend to be someone they are not? A person's true character shows sometimes in how he handles the end of a relationship, too.
There are many examples, but a few, he says:
1) I've been cheated on before, expect you to be faithful (he is secretly cheating)
2) We need open and honest communication (he withholds information)
3) I see us getting married (dumps me two weeks later)
4) I've been hurt badly, have trust issues (see again about cheating)
Etc
After the breakup he says I meant nothing to him. He says it was only sex for him and he made that clear to me (he didn't, we were supposedly in an exclusive relationship). He calls me ridiculous for caring for him. He continued to contact me to say these mean things. I continue to tell him to get lost and he does not respect my requests to leave me alone.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 09:31
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
How did they pretend to be someone they are not? A person's true character shows sometimes in how he handles the end of a relationship, too.
Anonymous
02/14/2015 09:00
Subject: First heartbreak after divorce
My exH was really bad to me - marriage ended after he assaulted me, but there was years of "minor" physical and emotional abuse. About 2 years after I met someone I thought was it again. Until one day he dumped me out of the blue and I slowly realized that the person he pretended to be was just that a complete act. He cheated on me with at least two other women. He was always very nice to me but I would hear about him being mean to other people. Shortly after the break up he became mean like that to me. I've since told him to get lost, but can't shake the hurt of having fallen for another faker.
Has anyone else dated so many men that pretend (for long periods of time) to be someone they aren't? How do you detect this earlier in the relationship?
Has anyone else dated so many men that pretend (for long periods of time) to be someone they aren't? How do you detect this earlier in the relationship?