Anonymous wrote:My father wants to sit and read to my children.
My kids really want to run around. I read to them only at bedtime, and only the same old stories they want to hear over and over and over and over.

Having someone read aloud is a great gift for kids. Kids in 3rd and 5th grade are old enough to learn to be patient when grandpa wants to read to them for 20 minutes. Does he have particular books that it wants to read them? If not, you can do some legwork and come up with some possibiltites--I'm sure DCUM could help you with that. And they're not too old to be read to. Make sure they have plenty of running around time before going to grandma and grandpa's (because it obviously doesn't happen there), and let them know you expect them to be polite while grandpa is reading. If they are fidgety, get some thinking putty or something similar so they have something to do with their hands.

Anonymous wrote:Grandma likes to cook with the kids, which they don't always enjoy (she's quite a stickler about food handling and preparation--everything must be done JUST SO.)

Learning to cook is also a great thing for grandparents to share with grandkids! I'm sure if she's so particular, it would be hard for younger kids to enjoy doing this with grandma, but now they're old enough to learn some of Grandma's favorite recipes--and how to do things properly. Approach it like a class--she's the expert, and they'll learn how to do things like the pros do it.

Anonymous wrote:parents complain that the kids are not relating to them.

Since your parents don't seem deft at coming up with ways to relate to the kids, then you can come up with ideas. Do they have old photo albums you can look at together? Can you get a book of questions for grandparent and have the kids ask them about their childhoods? (If this works well, record it for posterity.) Do they have any other skills or hobbies that they could share? (Woodworking, birdwatching, knitting, singing?)

They don't sound like bad grandparents, just slightly clueless ones, so do what you can to support their relationship with your kids. Keep the visits short and bring ideas of things to do together, but keep getting together.

Well, I think they have every right to say your kids can't invite friends to their place - that is just weird, and I can understand how they wouldn't want kids they didn't know messing up their house. But generally, it sounds like they need to be more flexible in terms of activities. If they shoot down a movie, theater, etc., tell them that you want to do more things together that the kids enjoy, and ask if they would do it for the sake of relating to the kids.

It sounds like they only want the relationship on their terms.

I would invite them to things that work for you and they can choose to accept or decline the invitations. When they say we never see you I would remind them that we invited them to dinner on Sunday and they declined, Susie's soccer game and they declined and the movies last weekend and they declined.

I wonder if you parents invest more interest in your kids and what their interests are your kids might not be so bored being around them.

Anonymous wrote:This is very helpful, thanks.
Kids are in third and fifth grades.
I will bring games for them to play with Grandpa (Grandma's not much of a game player or puzzle-doer). Grandma likes to cook with the kids, which they don't always enjoy (she's quite a stickler about food handling and preparation--everything must be done JUST SO.)
Yes, I have a spouse, but he's happy to sit and look at a computer screen and wisely avoid interacting with my parents.
My folks do get out and about, but they want time with us to be at their place. Which can be boring. If the kids bring tennis racquets or a ball, parents complain that the kids are not relating to them.

I won't invite friends. Sigh. ("I'm bored" translates into--I have no friends here, or no one to play hide-and-seek with, or whatever).
Yes, when the kids were younger, my parents INSISTED on picking them up Mondays and Fridays from pre-school and this was NOT convenient for me, especially having to cook for the whole crowd when I came home from work. I did brush my folks back--I like to pick up the kids after school, see who they're playing with, chat with other parents, etc. It was NOT helpful to me to have them pick up the kids. It WOULD be helpful to have them pick up the children on days when I cannot, and I'll try to schedule that 'way in advance, but they generally can't, or they cancel, sometimes at the last minute.
We'll see how Valentine's Day goes. I appreciate the posters who mentioned that they enjoyed spending time with grandparents, and have nice memories. OK. Will work towards that.

It seems this is going from bad to worse, and part of the problem is that you didn't assert yourself earlier. Perhaps time to agree on rules of the road that work for everyone, instead of just giving in to your parents' whims?

OP, I feel your pain, this sounds super annoying. Card games or dominoes sounds good. Maybe sit down with your parents and ask for some suggestions of activities they would enjoy.

Maybe you could look at it as an important life skill for your kids to get along with people of all ages, and a way to show respect for the elderly. Learning to converse with different people is really important in life. As is learning to feign interest in things that are boring. So if the grandparents want to read, your kids need to suck it up and read, even if they would prefer a different activity. Let go of the fantasy that everyone will enjoy this, and settle for having your kids do right by their grandparents and learn some life lessons.

I spent many a boring hour at my grandparents', at my mother's insistence, and am unscathed-- actually I wouldn't have had it any other way. It was only through her coercion that I actually got to know them, and then we were better able to spend time together. It was a long process, but gradually as I got to know them, it got easier.

This is very helpful, thanks.
Kids are in third and fifth grades.
I will bring games for them to play with Grandpa (Grandma's not much of a game player or puzzle-doer). Grandma likes to cook with the kids, which they don't always enjoy (she's quite a stickler about food handling and preparation--everything must be done JUST SO.)
Yes, I have a spouse, but he's happy to sit and look at a computer screen and wisely avoid interacting with my parents.
My folks do get out and about, but they want time with us to be at their place. Which can be boring. If the kids bring tennis racquets or a ball, parents complain that the kids are not relating to them.

I won't invite friends. Sigh. ("I'm bored" translates into--I have no friends here, or no one to play hide-and-seek with, or whatever).
Yes, when the kids were younger, my parents INSISTED on picking them up Mondays and Fridays from pre-school and this was NOT convenient for me, especially having to cook for the whole crowd when I came home from work. I did brush my folks back--I like to pick up the kids after school, see who they're playing with, chat with other parents, etc. It was NOT helpful to me to have them pick up the kids. It WOULD be helpful to have them pick up the children on days when I cannot, and I'll try to schedule that 'way in advance, but they generally can't, or they cancel, sometimes at the last minute.
We'll see how Valentine's Day goes. I appreciate the posters who mentioned that they enjoyed spending time with grandparents, and have nice memories. OK. Will work towards that.

Anonymous wrote:I understand why they don't want your kids to invite friends to their house.

However, I don't understand why they're not willing to do things outside the house with their grandchildren. Do they expect every interaction to take place in their home? Most grandparents enjoy going places and doing things with their grandchildren, I would think. Is there a spouse in the picture here?

And BTW, if they picked up your children from daycare twice a week and played with them until you got home from work, that IS helping. Did you thank them for that? It sounds like they haven't wanted to help since then, which makes me wonder if they believed their efforts went unappreciated.

I agree that it's not at all surprising that they don't want your kids to invite friends to their house.

Do they otherwise get out and about a lot? How is their general health and mobility? How old are they and are they starting to get frail? Will they come to school plays, recitals, sports games, etc.? Will they come to your house for dinner if you invite them?

Also, try making going to Grandma's more fun--maybe get some games or have your parents teach them card games. Bring over the stuff for a sundae bar or taco bar.

I understand why they don't want your kids to invite friends to their house.

However, I don't understand why they're not willing to do things outside the house with their grandchildren. Do they expect every interaction to take place in their home? Most grandparents enjoy going places and doing things with their grandchildren, I would think. Is there a spouse in the picture here?

And BTW, if they picked up your children from daycare twice a week and played with them until you got home from work, that IS helping. Did you thank them for that? It sounds like they haven't wanted to help since then, which makes me wonder if they believed their efforts went unappreciated.

I hate it when people use guilt as a weapon. My MIL says this to me every time we see them. I think we see them frequently considering they live an hour away. She spends much of her precious time with my DD complaining about not seeing us, instead of enjoying the time she has. It's irritating. If our time together was more enjoyable, we'd all be bending over backwards to make it happen more. But when you spend most of the time complaining about the lack of time. UGH. I have better things to do.

I feel like we need to learn to "be" and engage with all different types of people. Your parents shouldn't need to change everything to be able to spend time with your kids. You can ask your kids to bring something to do WITH their grandparents. And practice having conversations with them.

We go to my mom's house every Sunday night for dinner. Same distance. My son is 8 and it's boring for him. We find ways around that, like playing pingpong or walking around outside in good weather.

Weekly is really frequent. But maybe you could do monthly? While I never had a great relationship with my parents, I realized my kid's relationship with them was entirely separate and may be great (it is). And it's important to me to foster family relationships. I still have fond memories of visting my grandmother and she's been dead 20 years now.

A few things:
-On your side, I get that you've made offers, they've declined and there's only so much you can do to accommodate them.
-On their side, I think it's fair that they don't really want to host their grandchildren's friends. They want special time with their grandchildren, not to babysit a playdate. So I think that request is fair. I also think it's fair that they aren't up for "helping" so much anymore - they did their time, handling two daycare pick ups a week for you when you had little ones, but now that the kids are older and your parents are older, they have less energy or just don't feel up for it for whatever reason and don't want to babysit anymore. They doesn't mean their special time with the grandkids should be over.

So I'd continue offering reasonable compromises. When the have a ball game, a school play - invite your parents to come and see the kids and then, if you're up for it, have them back at your place for a celebratory dinner. If your mom complains about your food or your cleaning, shut the conversation down. There are plenty of good threads on how to do that. Agree to a handful of "hang out with the grandparents" days a year and schedule them in advance so your parents can adjust their expectations and your kids can make their peace with the fact that they're going to be a bit bored for 4 days a year with the grandparents.

That plus holidays should be plenty for grandparents who are well but not up for helping.

They sound boring. Bring some games over and have everyone play! I used to love going to my grandmas. When I'd get there, she'd ask if I had my nickels (to gamble).

How old are the kids?

My parents live about 30 minutes away. They are elderly but very busy with their own lives, and we are busy with ours. When my children were young, my folks picked them up from daycare twice a week and played with them until I came home from work. (And had to feed everyone dinner, listening to parents' judgments about the state of my apartment, not to mention my cooking, but OK).
Now children are older and have after-school activities, homework, and friends they'd rather be with. We don't see my folks much, it's true. I suggested that my kids invite a friend and my folks were insulted. I suggested they pick up my child after school and bring her home, and they said no, they wanted us to come and be with them, regularly.
We are doing so, on Valentine's Day (it'll be cold out, anyway. And, I mean, it's Valentine's Day).
When I have needed them, to babysit or help out after a serious medical injury, they are not available. And yeah, I'm ticked off about that.

I know I should be grateful my folks want to be a part of our lives. I should be grateful they're ALIVE. And I am. But--I wish we could do things together, like hike or go to a playground, when I'm eager for adult conversation. I wish they'd allow my kids to invite friends over to their place. I wish we could go to the movies or theater together ("That's not really interacting together," say my folks. Kinda true.)
My father wants to sit and read to my children.
My kids really want to run around. I read to them only at bedtime, and only the same old stories they want to hear over and over and over and over.
And it's hard to mediate between them, and to hear the kids say, "We want to go home" when we're at my parent's house. I want to go home, too...And then my mom says, "We never see you." Guilt.
Suggestions welcome...