Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the great ideas so far! Here's a little more info (didn't want to overwhelm with too much in original post). My brother is trained as a chef, and is actually quite talented at cooking, but his issues and complete lack of executive function have kept him from keeping a job. He does at least cook for my parents, which is actually a great help to them. And I think he absolutely could and should be on disability because his drinking has damaged his heart, which alone should qualify him. I've suggested it to my parents many times, but for some reason they haven't acted on it (my brother doesn't seem able to take on such things for himself). I don't know if it's an emotional thing, that they just can't bring themselves to declare him disabled (though he clearly is), or that the logistics of it are overwhelming for them given everything else going on. The family dynamics make it difficult for me to insert myself into current decisions about him, but I do think I need to push harder on that.

Whether or not they can leave him anything will depend on how long they live, as they're currently retired. It's such a sad thing that if they live as long as I hope they will, it means more financial challenges for him some day, but if they are able to leave an inheritance to support him (which I will try to ensure that I manage), it's because their lives were too short.

Thanks again for reading and replying!

Unless they can get him declared incompetent, your parents actually can't make this happen. Your brother is an adult, so he's the ultimate decider as to whether he'll get evaluations and treatment. From your posts, it sounds like you are just as invested in this dynamic with your brother as your parents are. I have no doubt that your brother is troubled and needs to help, but it might do you some good to get a bit of counseling so you can have a better understanding of your own emotions, set some better boundaries, and work with your husband to figure out what kind of help you can and should provide when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:Being lazy is not a disability. Seems he just doesn't want to work. If he hasn't been diagnosed WITH a disability, he's not disabled no matter what you or the internet medical staff here say.

Get him evaluated if you think he's that bad off.

The OP already said he has long term mental health issues.

Being lazy is not a disability. Seems he just doesn't want to work. If he hasn't been diagnosed WITH a disability, he's not disabled no matter what you or the internet medical staff here say.

Get him evaluated if you think he's that bad off.

I know how difficult this is. One of the things that helped us is finding a financial planner that discussed this with my parents. It's a different conversation when it comes from someone else. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You get together to discuss finances now. Will your parents leave him any money? He should not be in control of it! You may have to contribute financially, but again, not through a hand-out. You pay the landlord directly, you pay upon receipt of certain urgent bills, you reach an agreement with your brother about what you are willing to fund for him to keep body and soul together, and what he will have to fund himself.

Yep. It's a lifetime of hassle.

She in no way should have to pay his rent! He is an able bodied mad and can certainly hold down a job and pay rent. He simply never has had to because mommy and daddy were there. Do NOT support this man.

I posted paying the rent. I've known quite a few adults like this, with executive function issues. They self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. The executive functioning issues are the most visible, but underneath there is anxiety, which can manifest itself as anger issues, and attention problems. If they were children, they would very likely be diagnosed as severely ADHD. You could actually look into ADHD medication and see if that helps him.

Believe me, I am against enabling these people! But the bottom line is that if the most severely afflicted of them do not get help from somewhere, they will be out on the street. My friend's sister has been out on the street. She has exactly the same issues. My friend has her sister on a strict payment plan, where the sister never handles the money because she can't be trusted with it.
It remains for OP to see where her brother falls, but it doesn't look good. Disability payments are a good first step. However will he manage those correctly?

Good luck. It's not as easy as just throwing him out on his ear thinking he'll pull himself up.

OP here - thanks for the great ideas so far! Here's a little more info (didn't want to overwhelm with too much in original post). My brother is trained as a chef, and is actually quite talented at cooking, but his issues and complete lack of executive function have kept him from keeping a job. He does at least cook for my parents, which is actually a great help to them. And I think he absolutely could and should be on disability because his drinking has damaged his heart, which alone should qualify him. I've suggested it to my parents many times, but for some reason they haven't acted on it (my brother doesn't seem able to take on such things for himself). I don't know if it's an emotional thing, that they just can't bring themselves to declare him disabled (though he clearly is), or that the logistics of it are overwhelming for them given everything else going on. The family dynamics make it difficult for me to insert myself into current decisions about him, but I do think I need to push harder on that.

Whether or not they can leave him anything will depend on how long they live, as they're currently retired. It's such a sad thing that if they live as long as I hope they will, it means more financial challenges for him some day, but if they are able to leave an inheritance to support him (which I will try to ensure that I manage), it's because their lives were too short.

Thanks again for reading and replying!

Anonymous wrote:
You get together to discuss finances now. Will your parents leave him any money? He should not be in control of it! You may have to contribute financially, but again, not through a hand-out. You pay the landlord directly, you pay upon receipt of certain urgent bills, you reach an agreement with your brother about what you are willing to fund for him to keep body and soul together, and what he will have to fund himself.

Yep. It's a lifetime of hassle.

She in no way should have to pay his rent! He is an able bodied mad and can certainly hold down a job and pay rent. He simply never has had to because mommy and daddy were there. Do NOT support this man.

This is a discussion you need to have with your parents. It's not going away, you need to understand what the plan is for the future.

If he isn't on disability and has never held down employment then i have to assume your parents have been enablers. I know of a few families in this predicament and the parents often have enabled the adult child's behavior. This is not your fault. The best thing for you to do is to communicate to your brother that you will NOT be supporting him or helping him after your parents die. Make sure he gets you're serious. He has probably talked your parents into supporting him throughout his life and wont take your talk seriously. Youn need to make sure to be clear that you aren't your parents.

You have no legal or moral obligation to support an adult sibling. Your parents need to get their affairs straight concerning your brother.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for your brother to be on disability?

+1 start moving in this direction

Is it possible for your brother to be on disability?

You get together to discuss finances now. Will your parents leave him any money? He should not be in control of it! You may have to contribute financially, but again, not through a hand-out. You pay the landlord directly, you pay upon receipt of certain urgent bills, you reach an agreement with your brother about what you are willing to fund for him to keep body and soul together, and what he will have to fund himself.

Yep. It's a lifetime of hassle.

Get him into a vocational program in a field he likes, now.

My younger brother, in his late 30's, has struggled for decades with mental health and substance abuse issues and lives with my parents. Even if he can successfully address these challenges (which seems doubtful at this point), he has no history of real employment and I can't imagine he will ever be able to support himself. My parents are only in their late 60's, but both have health issues that will likely shorten their life-spans, and I am very worried about what will happen to him when they are gone and what I will need to do. I know I should be ready and willing to take on supporting him because he is family, but I feel like DH and I have worked so hard to create a good life for ourselves and our DS, have saved so diligently for college, retirement, etc. and that is all going to be threatened by this situation.

What would you do in this situation? How would you see your obligations to a sibling vs. to your spouse and child? What, if anything, can I do to prepare for the future?

Thanks so much for any words of wisdom and perspectives on the situation.