I seriously can't imagine staying with my in laws or really any other home than mine. I'm pretty modest, yet still was pretty much topless for the first couple of weeks trying to figure out breast feeding and pumping. This will be a miracle if it's anything other than a massive disaster.

This is going to be a disaster. Stay at your own home and have people come visit. There is nothing your step MIL will need to do for you 24/7. She was an L&D nurse, not a post partum doula, and if your baby needs medical care he or she will be in the NICU. Most of figuring out breastfeeding will br you and the baby learning to make it work, you don't need someone standing over you at every feeding for a week. I agree with PPs that your step MIL is using her experience to get more time with the baby. That isn't fair and sounds like it will cause lots of drama.

Maybe they can take the dog to stay at their place for the first week if that would be helpful. You are really not going to want to be at someone else's house. My mom was super helpful but I still wanted her out of my place at a certain point.

If both sets of grandparents live close, there's no need to stay at anyone's house.

Just have one person or the other come by each day and help with the dog, hold the baby while you shower/nap, and the leave you to rest and breast feed.

I think staying at someone else's house would be extremely uncomfortable after childbirth. You are kind of emotional and want some privacy and enjoy bonding with your new baby with your husband.

Stay at your place and have FIL and step grandma come a few days to help, then your mom a few days and rotate. It is nice to have the help but it isn't very "fair" to rationalize why with professional experience. Most first time parents don't have experience, many never changing a diaper and figure it out just fine. Your mom will figure it out quickly as many of ours have.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All of this is helpful, thank you.

Yes, the reason we are going there is a space issue.
We live downtown dc in a large 1bedroom and not ready
to move yet. We have plenty of space for a newborn but not
for everyone who wants to be there right away.

We also have a dog and IL's have a large yard.

Grandmothers have been to many family events hosted at FIL and Step MIL's over the years.

This is the first grandchild on either side. And I agree I need to start setting boundries now

P, it sounds like you are going to inlaws to accommodate everyone else!
No way, they can rent a hotel room if they truly want to be helpful for the first few weeks.

OP here. All of this is helpful, thank you.

Yes, the reason we are going there is a space issue.
We live downtown dc in a large 1bedroom and not ready
to move yet. We have plenty of space for a newborn but not
for everyone who wants to be there right away.

We also have a dog and IL's have a large yard.

Grandmothers have been to many family events hosted at FIL and Step MIL's over the years.

This is the first grandchild on either side. And I agree I need to start setting boundries now

I would hate to be in someone else's home while recovering from childbirth, but then I'm a very private person.

DH and I were very happy with spending the first weeks just by ourselves, bonding with baby.

However, if it's your choice to go to SMIL's house, your mother and MIL should absolutely respect that.

I agree that it is a bit odd that you are going to them and they are not coming to you. Is it a space issue? I am wondering if maybe you don't have a spare room in your home so you are heading to the in-laws.

That said, if possible, you want to spend those first few weeks getting comfortable with the baby and getting into a routine. That will be easiest at home.

Can your step MIL come to your place?
This may help with your other issues b/c your Mom and MIL may feel more comfortable visiting you in your home.

FWIW I cringed at "ensure successful breastfeeding."
There is no such thing, and as a FTM I would hate for you to feel this pressure, or your step MIL, that either you failed her or she failed you if breastfeeding is not successful.
Just a thought!
Sounds like a wonderful offer but I'm not sure that would be a great start. What if you want to stop and she gets upset?

This will not be as helpful as you think, because you won't be at home.

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but your Step MIL is overstepping her bounds and using her "expertise" to justify it. It is understandable that your Mother and MIL feel slighted.

Not if the help is wanted. My MIL is the type of grandma who will sit and hold baby. My mom does laundry, cleans and runs errands in addition to holding baby. In the early days of survival mode take whoever is going to help the most. I will say, this could get ugly in the future. Set boundaries now.

I can see where they are coming from. I would imagine your mom doesn't like the idea of having to go over to her daughters ILs to see her grandchild and depending on the relationship with your MIL and step-MIL that is a lot to ask of them.
I understand that your step-MIL is being wonderfully helpful with her offer but I think it would be better received if she would be willing to help you in your home, not hers. It's pretty common for grandparents that are coming to help to go to the new parents, not the other way around. I also would not want to be at someone else's home after the hospital.
I know you are worried about the newborn phase as a FTM but every mother has been there, it's not necessarily as terrible as you are imagining and everyone survives.

I wouldn't stay at someone else's house in the early days. Other than that Grandmas need to chill.

Sorry but your Step MIL is overstepping her bounds and using her "expertise" to justify it. It is understandable that your Mother and MIL feel slighted.

And I'm only 19 weeks! Also a FTM. DH's parents are divorced and DH's step mom is a lactation consultant and L/D nurse. She has offered to take two weeks off work, have us stay with them and help us become comfortable with a newborn and ensure successful breastfeeding. I was really happy about this because I was already worried about the first few days as a FTM. Ive never really been a baby person either.

We told the family the plan, that we will stay at Step MIL's and FIL's first week or so after baby is born. They are welcome to come over but we feel most comfortable if it's not all day or all at once until DH and I feel we know more what we're doing.

MIL and my mother are complaining that as the grandparents they are getting left out, and will treat DH's step mom as the hired help and that they also are experts with newborns (with their youngest baby now 29 years old).

I just can't take the nastiness and fighting anymore. It's only 10 days! Why can't the family agree that this is what's best for a FTM and newborn, there will be plenty of opportunities to love and share this baby and we are lucky we have this knowledge in the family!

Any advice?